Trying to cope with a past filled with abuse.

Post Reply New Topic

Taking my first steps into adulthood, I'm carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I have had a lot of people in my life who had taken great pleasure in tormenting me, physically and emotionally. My peers were bad enough, but when I got home from school, my older brother would take his frustrations out on me any way he saw fit. What's worse is a majority of my tormentors were girls. I grew to resent my brother, I had difficulties forming romantic relationships(odd, I didn't have trouble, before), and I currently only have two friends, both of whom live in different states.

You're not alone you're never alone.

I was sexually, emotionaly, and physicaly abused as a child. My brother used to torture me for sadistic plesure and I was frequently treated like an outcast in school. A lot of girls at school used to spread rumors that I was perverted deviant who liked to Jack off in public. Lots of people go through tough s**t in life, but does it put people like us down? No what our abusers do not know is that they failed in their quest to make us out as the worst person, because in the end we just turned out better people. I know you're better than any who may hand hurt you in the past, I've seen it in your posts you are a very intelligent human being.

I've been abused many times over and, sure enough, the images of it never leaves you. In fact, depending on the person, it can affect them quite negatively to the point they become suicidal addicts. For me it seems like reaching out to others like me helps my mood.

I have always had some form of abuse since I was mistaken for a child with learning disabilities in 1967 ( then they called learning disability mental handicap, in those times) and a lot of the abuse was related to that erroneous label. I started to receive a lot of physical and emotional abuse from my family starting in 1974 and was treated as an outcast too by the allistics I was surrounded by from 1977 onwards. I should also include in this abuse the unreasonable demands put on me from 1977 onwards too what I don't like is that everyone is unrepentant and it was carried out with impunity and with all the excuses as well from aspiphobe apologists. What I do remember is that the allistic people working in the learning disability system, some were incredibly arrogant. In mainstream school they put me in with thickos which cause irreversable damage to my self esteem with the experience of direct aspiphobia but I did not know the bullying I was given for almost 24 hours a day 364 days a year was in reality, aspiphobia until 2003. This is the sort of thing which can radicalise an aspie who can therefore hate or feel distrustful of allistic people as well. During most of my adulthood it was not much better even then I was still surrounded by predominantly thick people who just hated any person that has any condition that has a superficial resemblance of Asperger syndrome.

The way I moved along from my past was to see it in a new way.

All memories are false representations to at least some extent - they are prone to distortions, deletions and even complete fabrications.

You don't have to hold on to them. You don't need to carry them. Some people do, because of identity, because of loyalty, and because what happened was 'unfair'. I'd argue that continually punishing oneself with memories is unfair.

If the images and memories are vivid and powerful, there are steps you can take to break them up and to weaken them. If you forgot what you did on a random Saturday sometime in the past year - well, that's the sort of power you can relegate certain memories to.

Doing this isn't a denial of what happened.

I grew up in an abusive household myself and I was bullied around by my father, mother and one of my sisters when they saw fit too.

I understand.

I have grown the most resentful towards my first sister and my mother and I have not bothered to talk with them. My sister tries to order me around about contacting my family and I try to tell her about how I feel that we just bring the worst out in each other even though I love them.

It's like I can't get through to her about it. So she goes and throws a tantrum by accusing me of always victimizing myself. She also has the nerve to go and tell me about how cold and abusive I was to her when I am really attempting to stand up for myself by fighting back because I could not communicate.

my mother is struggling with untreated mental illness and it's like my dad lets her go and talk to other people anyway that she wants. He also has that problem along with a bad temper.

I also took other abuse and bullying from father's sister-in-law 10 years ago by being rejected and neglected. They did this because they heard stories that I was beating my mother and sister up without really wanting to know why. They always listened to my mom, dad, and sisters all the time while never listening to me. I had also managed to call one of their daughters the B word for ignoring me in a mall. This was because I was mad that she seemed to look interest in me once hitting adolescence and stand still like a stone cold statue staring into space. So I was not allowed to go over to their house over the fear that I might make future scenes.

Anyway you hang in there, it's not you that's has the problem, it's the problem with them. How you handle the situation in front of others makes all the difference.

For many years, I wallowed in the fact that I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse.

But that got me nowhere.

I recognize that the people that abused me are very spiritually ill. And I recognize that when they were abusing me, they were projecting their illness onto my spirit.

I don't have to let them off the hook. I don't have to trust them. I do have to forgive them, because I recognize that they are the product of generations of batshit insanity in my family.

They are acting the way that they were taught to act by the generations before them. I was playing the role of the perfect victim, which I was groomed to be. I don't have to play that role anymore. I can transcend this sickness. Whether or not my family changes with me is not my problem.

I grew up getting roughed up and chased into corners by my parents over homework, grades and weather or not I chose advanced classes. It seemed like I was the only one in giant public schools who knew why his peers fell asleep on their desks. That's not even accounting for all the mean-spirited jabbery those public schools also stood for. I wish I was joking... It can happen to anybody, for several years my dad told me daily to 'stop being a victim', but that's really not anybody's goal, just a qualifier for people's indignation and general horribleness. We all have our own ways of recognizing our immediate safety, but the positive things we do in this cathartic state define how we stay out of such horrible situations. I understand it's not for everybody, but I hold no compunctions over being a 20 year old guy who drinks tea and meditates. I'm absolutely certain I wouldn't be alive otherwise.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos