Homeless, Unemployed, Undiagnosed, Unable to Help Myself

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Like many, I look back at my childhood of seeing counselors and going to psychiatric hospitals and wonder why no one once suggested Asperger's syndrome. From sensory sensitivity, non-communication, fixation, concentration issues, social impairments, weird posture - EVERYTHING is there. And while they may not be scientific, every Asperger's quiz I've taken has given results like '188 out of 200'!

Like many other people here, a lifetime of unacknowledged developmental issues and being blamed for them by school and family led to increasing alienation, withdrawal and hostility; my already impaired coping abilities overloaded by the stress of having the impossible expected from me every day. How people don't realise they're doing the worst possible thing to help us I sometimes can not understand (the same goes for depression in general: nothing makes me want to kill myself more than the stupid advice people give me).

Meltdowns and severe executive issues have always been a problem, I will sit hours agonizingly unable to start or stop activities I WANT TO DO yet I am expected to engage in activities I have severe weaknesses in. Earlier it was dealing with school (I still resent my mother and sister for ever making me go to such a Hellish place as public school). I am so sick of people treating me like I am LAZY because I can not cope. They don't understand that even talking to a stranger takes as much effort from me as a full day's work and is as stressful as a bar fight would be to them. My sister claims to have read up on Asperger's syndrome, but despite the fact that any resource will tell you about these executive function issues and 80% of Aspies are underemployed or unemployed she can't seem to accept that maybe I CAN'T work in any ordinary job and that looking is not only not going to get me a job, but that the pressure to do so is WORSENING my mental condition.

And neither the State or its mental health agencies have been particularly useful. I went to the the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation in Vancouver, Washington and the woman there's attitude from start to finish was unchanged: "I don't want to believe you have Aspergers" she said (direct quote), and "all I'll give you are the same resources Worksource would." It was very difficult for me to put myself out there, and being spurned by them preceded a meltdown after which I was hospitalized and sent to a confined facility for suicidal depression. Despite this, no effort has been forthcoming to actually diagnose me with Aspergers which I repeatedly cited as a serious possibility. The therapeutic and prescription 'help' I was given has not been useful, and like many other Spectrum people I have been reading since I find it 'helps' minimally if at all, and that the stress involved with it put me down further than any assistance I've received. I am having a hard time managing this, and my affairs are falling apart; I am essentially homeless, unemployed, no identification, vehicle, or phone.

I was seeing a counselor but found it tedious, useless and draining, and the 'medication' they gave me was useless. Again, the lack of tractability to therapy and medication is WELL DOCUMENTED in Asperger's cases, but my sister seems to think I'm just being difficult.

The fact that I can not function in ordinary work environments, that it puts me under intense stress to do so, that I can not effectively cope with that level of stress and the fact that it will put me into an uncontrollable meltdown conforms exactly with my history and with what I have heard from many other people with similar Asperger's traits on here and elsewhere. It feels like I'm being expected to do things that I am no more capable of doing than a crippled man can walk, and now my sister doesn't want to help me because she assumes I'm just being difficult 'because I don't want to do anything'; she implicitly seems to assume I have some 'control' over the descent into asocial raging self-destruction; that I 'prefer' sitting around being bored and angry all the time. It's infuriating to not even have this taken seriously by anyone, and as there are apparently no resources or caring people up here (sheltered workshops have even been closed, and as I rely on cannibas to avoid sitting in a suicidal slump all day I can not be accepted by Goodwill!). I was denied SSI, my lack of vehicle, home or phone has resulted in my being denied Food stamps, and my executive and social functioning issues are preventing me from doing anything about it; even trying involve so much God damn paperwork, driving around, rejection, confrontation and lying (again: social services expect you to lie, telling the truth gets you stonewalled and rejected) that I approach meltdown even trying to plan it.

I need to find autism resources in the Portland/Vancouver, and really what I need is an understanding PERSON who I can sit down and talk to who can bring some executive and planning information to bear to help me get real assistance and clinical aid, because there is apparently NO WAY to get diagnosed without already having MONEY to pay a psychiatrist. If I don't get this I am going to be tossed out on the street, no one wants to hear that I can't work because I'm not drooling on myself, and probably the only reason I'm not already dead is my poor ability to follow through on plans.

hiya RJ welcome to the club
http://www.disabilityrightsoregon.org
tell me what you think of these people, por favor

First thing you gotta do is get your priorities straight.

The pot you smoke saps all initiative and makes you want to just sit around and veg. I know this because I'm strongly "420 friendly" myself and have been all my life. You know I'm right when tell you that this is not the best medicine for you at this particular time, so stop using it (no exceptions!) until you get your affairs in order. Now is not the time for excuses, rationalization, justifications, or "reasons". You won't drown in reality while you're off it. I know it does a great job of taking the nasty edge off of life in an NT world, but YOU HAVE TO STOP FOR NOW! Besides, what you spend on MJ is money you won't have for some of the other things the "system" requires you to have before they'll even look at you. Think of it as short term pain for long term gain, as you can always return to self-medicating after your life is on firmer ground. It'll take a few days for the THC to wear-off, but you will regain a sense of initiative that will empower you to at least get in the game.

Next, try and find some part-time work, even if it's volunteering at your local soup kitchen. Two things will come of this, together with one huge benefit to your Aspie-like personality. First, you'll begin to experience a sense of heightened self-worth because you'll be helping those who are even less fortunate than yourself (which plays naturally to our innate AS sense of benevolence). Second, you'll be networking (I HATE that word) with people who might very well be in a position to open some doors for you, doors you may never have otherwise thought of... doors that address some of your basic needs like food and shelter, maybe even payed employment. Plus, volunteering always looks good on your resume, no matter how short it may be! Now here's the clincher: It is extremely unlikely you will ever encounter workplace 'attitude from bosses' in any volunteer situation. They're always only too happy to have you on-board and will put up with all sorts of personality quirks which would otherwise get you fired from typical jobs. They'll even defend you against workplace bullies just to keep you coming back! That will relieve a whole lot of the anxiety you've come to expect from being among people. This alone is worth its weight in gold to you! You will have almost unlimited latitude to just be yourself, regardless of how idiosyncratic or weird you may happen to be... as long as you prove yourself honest, willing, reliable, and non-violent.

Hopefully, once you establish that you are "trying to take responsibility for your life" and they (the people who you identify as impeding recognition of your mental health status) see you are making an effort to "fit-in" according to their definitions and expectations, they will view you as more than sub-human and deserving of some degree of due consideration. Yeah, I see the Catch-22, but that seems to be the way the field is leveled.

I'd say Good Luck, but luck has nothing to do with it. It's up to you! So instead, I'll simply wish you all the best and hope you get the breaks you need! Goodness knows, it sure looks like you could use a few!

Oh, and one last thing. Stop trying so hard to get an AS diagnosis! You may very well be one of us, but there's nothing medical people hate more than a patient insisting, or implying, or even hinting, that they already know what they have. It's an ego thing. You have to allow them to "tell you" what they think... otherwise you're guaranteed sunk before you even start any assessment process. Without exception, you must let them be the expert, so always play dumb.

If all else fails... join a convent.

Not everyone has all the same issues that the Op has but may resonate with some of the points made.
Better to have a lifetime of solitude than a lifetime of fixed hell and reluctant redundancy due to staff closure and s**t. Get the diagnosis and work towards being that person they see you as and the person you know you are in your heart. That way, all the boundaries are never redialled more than once, if you have explained yourself to dipshits who couldn't give an apeney for instance,(and there are people out there who you wouldn't want to meet) do something that makes you the better person for having whatever it is you end up having.