I am going through a nervous breakdown

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I am going through a nervous breakdown. Everything is on top of me. I can only cry to so many people, and so sometimes writing things down in the Haven helps too because if you don't feel like reading someone's pain, then don't.

I cannot cope with work any more. Some idiot has blurted around that I have Asperger's and now some people speak to me like I'm a baby or like I'm about to melt down if I get stressed about something, and others think that everything I decide isn't me deciding it but is somebody else thinking for me, as though people think that Aspies can't think for ourselves. I knew all this would happen if everyone knows I have Asperger's. I was happy with just telling people I have an anxiety disorder, now people know I have this Asperger's s**t, they think it's more serious than what it really is. I feel embarrassed about it as it is, and each time somebody says that awful word in front of me I feel like hiding under the table. It's because I feel so secure about the whole condition.

I keep hearing of all this ''winter blackout'', meaning they're cutting off our electricity in the winter. Watching DVDs at night is one of my calming strategies, and I don't read books because I can't focus. Watching DVDs before going to sleep is something I have done every night for almost 10 years. Now I've just got to sit in the dark looking at my family in candle light, and we all hate each other anyway, only me and my mum are close but we can't be ourselves when there's my impatient dad and critical brother being there. Bloody men.

Men, that's another thing. I'm so f*****g lonely, I can't get on with dating sites and I thought I had a boyfriend but I can tell that he is seeing someone else, and that he's making up lie after lie to me so that it can look like he's busy with work when all the while he's seeing this f*****g b***h (whoever she is) who is probably prettier than me and better than me. Now I have no-one. I really thought, for a few months, that my life might actually be changing for the best for the first time in my whole miserable life.

I just wish I can move away, in the middle of nowhere, because people agitate me. People let me down and think I have no feelings, and here I am running around trying to please everyone else and putting their feelings first before my own. And then Aspies lack empathy and NTs have empathy? I swear, the next person that says that I'm going to punch. I wish people would stop giving Aspies a bad name by believing all this empathy s**t. In fact I find other Aspies actually less selfish, so I'm going to try and find more Aspie friends (I only have one friend on the spectrum, and she's so easygoing and good with compromising. So am I).

Anyway I am going through or at least heading for a nervous breakdown. I keep crying and crying and crying, and feeling miserable at work (not to people, just when I'm on my own), and I keep thinking about suicide. I am going to the doctor this week but all they will do is put me on antidepressants and think that will solve all my problems. I just want to shut myself away from the world and lay in my bed and get lost in films but you can't when you've got responsibilities with work and things.

All in all, I hate Asperger's. I was diagnosed with it at 8, I denied it to everyone for years after that, then when I got to about 19 or 20 I was more willing to talk about it to people like close family or doctors, etc, but it still hasn't made me happily accept it. Now I think I've come to a point where it's too isolating and it's eating me up inside - and I just cannot comprehend how I've got Asperger's Syndrome, when I come from an all NT family, no birth complications, both parents were in their 20s, my mum never smoked or drank or took any drugs whilst pregnant, I was a healthy baby, I developed normally as a baby and toddler.....so I know it's caused by back luck, so I must be cursed. What's next? Cancer?

I'm really sorry you're feeling so awful. I can't say anything to make you feel better because I've felt pretty crap myself several times. Just one thing though:

Don't worry too much about that. It's just media scaremongering. Today the media have been screaming: "Electricity demand may be greater than supply this winter, so the power may be cut." Well, they said that last autumn as well, and it didn't happen last winter - at least, not to me.

If I allow myself to believe their scaremongering, it worries me, too. However, since the scaremongering didn't come true last winter, hopefully it won't come true this winter, either, and there will be no UK blackouts. So that's one less thing to worry about.

If you can't cope with work and genuinely think you're having a nervous breakdown you could consider applying for benefits. I was in the workplace for ten years but had a nervous breakdown in the end and don't think I could ever go back to a workplace, EVER.

I hear what you are saying. I know the Haven isn't necessarily the place to offer solutions, but I feel compelled to, and I hope that is okay with you.

If you think you're moving towards a nervous breakdown (and I mean it in the proper use of the word), I'd suggest that you stop while you can. They are especially difficult on people around you - they don't understand. And the pain, and loss of control, is far from fun.

Now, this isn't denial - it's parking some of the issues to deal with later. It sounds like you're trying to deal with everything at once -past, present and future.

You say "everything is on top of me". This is a kinasthetic reveal of how you are storing the feelings. Lift it off the top of you, and move it! How? Imagine you can, and do it. Or find a way. This sounds utterly stupid, I know, but it can bring rapid relief. You literally have the weight of the world on your shoulders, which are probably stiff and tense.

What music do you listen to? If it's emotional stuff, then I'd change it for a bit. Honestly. Anything helps when you are entering 'survival mode'.

Forget the winter black out. Just forget about it. You can only deal with the now - unless you are God.

Ask yourself - do you want to feel better, or worse? Do you want to heal, or get sick? As hard as it is, you've got to concentrate on things that make you feel better as much as possible, and minimise the things that are worse. Even if that sometimes borders on the naive.

I don't know if you drive. There's a saying - if you look at the wall when you're driving, you'll hit the wall. Look where you want to go. Don't look at where you want to go.

People behave in patterns. Your crying is now a pattern. You need to interrupt the pattern - stupid comedies, new music, hot water bottles, herbal relaxation - anything. I know a great yoga exercise that kills panic attacks in seconds - there's lots of stuff that can help you.

Your life could well be 'getting better' - but who said this was a straight upward line? "The darkest hour is before dawn".

It's up to you, though, how it goes - you can do it.

Joe, have you considered getting yourself a dog? Though my life is almost idyllic now, there have been times in the past when I was just as unhappy as what you are expressing. At those times, my dog frequently was what allowed me to keep it all together.

It was good old "Uncle Joe" Stalin who scornfully dismissed loyalty and gratitude as "dog's diseases". He was right, but what wonderful diseases they are.

I'm sorry you're so sad
I know that you hate having Asperger's and I wish I say something helpful, but I can't. Rather than trying to persaude you that your Asperger's is ok, I'll just agree and believe you when you say it's sh***. This makes me think that you're a strong person to live with it and keep going.
I've also never really understood the whole "NTs have empathy and Aspies don't." which is complete and utter rubbish! It makes me angry when people say that
As to the blackouts I've it said that they're only more likely, but not inevitable. They might not happen and only for short amounts of time. If you have a latop you could maybe watch your DVDs on there, although battery power never lasts long.
I hope you get some better luck soon, Joe.

Why not deny at work you have AS?

Reading your 'unhappy posts' always makes me very sad, but I refuse to cry because it ruins my contact lenses.
Plus I'm too often in public. And a man, so I'm not allowed.
Empathy, sympathy, I dunno. And I never know what to say to you even though I very much wish I could say something, so I often don't post anything.
But I do read them. All the way through. Completely. Usually at least twice.


For whatever it's worth.

I agree with what OktoberTiger said. I would also like to add that you should consider changing jobs, and also, remember this important rule regarding private info: Need-T-Know! If someone doesn't need to know something private about you, then don't tell them. People tend to reject, or at least treat differently those who don't fit well into the "herd", so don't give out info about yourself that will give them a reason to treat you differently.

If the power goes out, take up knitting or some other handicraft. That doesn't require electricity during daylight hours, and at night, go to bed once it's dark, so that you can get up early, to spend the daylight hours doing stuff that needs light.

As for dealing with your serious depression, you need to find ways to keep yourself occupied.

> Read and watch funny stories and shows. Humor generates mood boosting endorphins.
> Moderate exercise. That also generates those endorphins.
> Eat healthier foods. That will improve your overall health.
> Get involved with volunteer work. Helping others boosts your mood, too.
> Take up a hobby.

Hope this helps!

Depending on how long are the blackouts, you could use a laptop to play DVDs on. This is all the advice I can muster at the moment.

Also, dating sites are evil. Go to Meetup.com (don't know if it works for the UK), find groups of people with similar interests. Then you can safely evaluate other people around you with no pressure, and if you're naturally drawn to someone, so be it.

^^^ yes dating sites are evil, so are the power companies. Hope your job works out but if you lose it, it may be a good time to do a geographic and get out of gloomy northern latitudes for a while - when God nails a window shut, a door opens or vice-versa, pardon my mangling of a Facebook fortune cookie philosophy post but the case often goes that inability to get forward is a precursor to a launch to the next phase of good vibrations

^^^ yes dating sites are evil, so are the power companies. Hope your job works out but if you lose it, it may be a good time to do a geographic and get out of gloomy northern latitudes for a while - when God nails a window shut, a door opens or vice-versa, pardon my mangling of a Facebook fortune cookie philosophy post but the case often goes that inability to get forward is a precursor to a launch to the next phase of good vibrations

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I didn't think many would reply to this thread.

At first I didn't tell anybody about it, but my employer was told by my personal employment mentor (who came to the interview with me). I can't complain because I had support - but I do wish I had told the employer/manager at the time that I prefer this to be kept confidential in the office and not have the whole workplace knowing. I had to tell some people about anxiety disorder because anxiety affects most of my life and I wanted some of my colleagues to be aware, since it works for me to just tell people that. But another person from the office then brought up my Asperger's in front of some of the other colleagues, now one of them (she's younger than me) is asking me questions about it. I had to quickly think of a lie and say that I don't have it and that the manager was just using it at an example. But it's probably got all around the workplace anyway, because of the way people behave towards me now. I know they're not horrible, but I still rather nobody knew about the actual label.



A couple of people have mentioned this here, and yes I do have a laptop with battery power what lasts for about 3-4 hours, so that'd be ample time for me to watch DVDs. But it still makes me annoyed and upset about this whole stupid idea of blackouts, especially when practically everything is done on computers now.



That is empathy. Being quite unsure of what advice to give does not mean you lack empathy. Knowing how somebody is feeling and relating to them IS empathy. I don't always know what to put to people either, since I'm not very good with focusing on reading.



I do watch comedies a lot, and I hardly ever watch films what involve too much death and sad emotions. It can really affect the brain. I do listen to music a lot, which does cheer me up at the time. Some songs are philosophical and have good words to them, for example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQycP_XfUkc&hd=1. I have a lot of different sorts of songs on my laptop, from nursery rhymes to songs from musicals to happy songs.

Hi Joe,

Hang in there. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got and which got me out of chronic fatigue was "You are fine, and you will be fine." Even when you feel like you are dying, just saying this to myself over and over seems to make things better.

I'm in a middle of a meltdown myself at the moment and have had to take time off work for a few days to rest. I mention Aspergers in passing sometimes, nobody really asks me about it much, I guess with older people they are just happy that something finally explains my weirdness, but the young people will be more difficult for you. One one hand they are likely to be a lot more open minded, but they are also less likely to respect personal boundaries so it's a bit of a 0 win situation as I like to say. No matter. You are fine and you will be fine. No matter what happens. You will be fine.

Know yourself and forgive yourself for being the way you are and keep learning how to be who you are in a most harmonious way possible. That's all you can really do. ...I was going to say hugs, but around here that would probably not be a wise idea

I have been advised by some close relatives today to try to see the funny side of things, if there is one. Like about the manager letting everyone know that I have Asperger's, try saying to myself (or other people who I feel comfortable with) something like, ''why don't the manager just put up big notices all around the whole building, broadcasting that I have Asperger's Syndrome?!'' then kind of imagine it in my head and laugh about it. That has worked, and it now makes me grin every time I think of that thought.

Also they said to not to compare myself to other people's good points in life, but also their bad points. Like when I had a big outburst a few weeks ago one evening, when my mum first came home from being out all day (long story what it was about). My mum thinks that the next door neighbours think it's her, and said, ''they probably think it's me. It's always so quiet here, then they see me coming home and it all erupts.'' That is true, I don't have outbursts when I'm alone (except crying fits). So I suppose my mum has something to be embarrassed about when she comes into contact with our next door neighbours, just like I have something to be embarrassed about when I face people at work. The neighbours are still nice to my mum, just like my colleagues are still nice to me at work, so I suppose that's the main thing.

I'm still a bit emotionally fragile and I might be feeling OK than my mood can change like the wind, but it's no Bipolar, it's just part of depression. I feel depressed and bitter with everything, then I'm OK again, and sometimes these feelings swap over a few times a day, other times a few times week, and other times a few times a month. I have been socialising in comfortable ways today (having small talk with people on the bus, meeting a close friend and just walking into the town then back to her's for lunch), which I find always helps with depression, even if I didn't feel like it to begin with. I've been told by NTs that's normal in most people that suffer with depression.

sounds like you've got a good management plan and a lot of support, so that's great!

Emotional ups and downs are difficult to manage, they are all chemicals based and so make sure that your blood sugar remains even throughout the day by eating sensibly and don't take stimulants like coke, coffee, tea etc and if you can, take herbal teas or green tea instead.

But yes, the biggest challenge is always to try and remember to look at things from a different perspective when you are in a middle of the crisis, but it can be done. And by sustained repetition you can train your brain to think in certain ways which are better for you and your health.