People and their stupid social games...at church

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Yesterday, I was at church with my family. We had a surprisingly pleasant time, with no major meltdowns from my son. My five-year-old son and I both have autistic spectrum disorder and church is often stressful. But not this time. The problem happened after church. After church, my family and I stayed in the gardens for a while. My mom, grandma and sister were sitting a few yards away, chatting, while I was supervising my son and niece, who were running and playing in another part of the garden.

Then, one of the ushers, who was on his way to his car, walked by. I had never had any problems with this guy and he always seemed like a pleasant, genial fellow. He smiled at me and said in a light tone, "Those kids are going to fall and get hurt and then you're going to want to sue us!" Several elderly people at my church, including my grandma, are known for saying aggressive statements like that as a type of tongue-in-cheek joke,--I guess it's a generational thing?--so I interpreted him as meaning, 'hey, cute kids...be extra vigilant!' So I smiled back at him, gave a soft chuckle and said, "Oh, you know I wouldn't do that!" Then he said, "They run around too much. You should make them behave." Still thinking he was being friendly and wanting to chat, I said, "They're good. And the boy is autistic, so--" But before I could continue, his smile went into a frighteningly aggressive expression and he yelled, "Bull****! It doesn't exist! It's your excuse for him being a brat! Make him behave!" I went berserk.

I screamed at him, "You're bull****!" And followed up with a long string of curse words. He started walking away from me as fast as he could. When I took a breath, he called out, "Now I know why he's such a brat! His mom's an idiot!" At this point, I realized I was about to cry and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing that. So I ran to my family (when the man started yelling, my niece grabbed my son's hand and ran to the rest of the family) where I stood there and cried.

I flagged the deacon down and told him about it, and the first thing he did was admonish me for my inappropriate use of language. (Fair enough. The swear words were involuntary, but more on that later.) He agreed that what the usher said was judgmental, confrontational and ignorant. He promised to talk to him about it. My family is furious. My mom is going to contact the priest tomorrow and arrange a mediation between her and the usher. (She doesn't want him around me.)

I've been very depressed. Until the man started yelling at me, I thought his intention was to have a friendly chat. Maybe he's right and I am an idiot. I think people are insulting me when they're trying to be friendly and that people are being friendly when they're insulting me. I think that people who mean to sit down and have a conversation with me are just passing by and that people just passing by want a detailed conversation. So then, when I get the feeling that a person wants something, I do the opposite and I still get it wrong! I actively look for all the signals: eye movement, mouth position, hand placement, vocal tone. But I can't even do that right! How can I be a good mother to my son if I can't even navigate the most basic social situations?

About the involuntary cursing. I have this unfortunate problem with unscripted speech. When I'm talking with people I don't know, I try to stick to a script. If someone says "Lovely weather we're having," the proper response is "Indeed it is!" accompanied with a smile and a nod, etc. But if someone says something I'm not expecting, I begin to stutter, cry and then just turn and walk away. This is highly embarrassing. To avoid this, I have been taught to actively look for expressions, tones, word choices and mirror it back at the person using it. (So if a person walks up to me and says, "Orange two, blue five," and, of course, I have no idea what they're saying, so I look and notice that the mouth is smiling, one hand is being held out, palm up, and the tone is light. So I smile, extend my hand, palm up, lighten my tone and say, "Red one, green four!") In a friendly interaction, this has been highly effective and has lead to rewarding conversations and even friendships in which I can relax and be myself. But in an unfriendly interaction, it leads to, well, what happened yesterday. If that man hadn't been smiling or using a higher pitched tone when approaching me, I would have used my scripted response of "Thanks for your concern. Bye." And ignored him. But he tricked me into a conversation and then turned aggressive. And then, 20 years of conditioning took over and I mirrored his angry tone and unfortunate word choices. I don't know who to hate more--people and their stupid games or me and my lack of ability to succeed at stupid games.

So this guy says it's bull**** and they accuse you of swearing? Considering the circumstances it sounds like he got the tirade he deserved. Saying something like that is the equivalent of using a racial slur. We've make racism taboo but still haven't eliminated other forms of discrimination. I have to say that I think that guy was acting in an unchristian way. It's a good thing you have a family that stands up for you.

That guy really does sound like an horse's rear end.

I don't have as much difficulty understanding communication, but do occasionally run up against people like that, and they are hard to read. My own tendency is to take it at face value and assume they are serious and not joking. So I will go on the defensive and respond as seems best in the situation. If they were kidding, its on them to clear that up.

I guess the bottom line is I guess I would rather repond to them coldly, then give them an opportunity to fool me into a 2nd unexpected putdown. It really is their problem, even if they are joking. Playing with people is like playing with matches.

What a frikkin douche that guy was. He had the audacity to make an ignorant remark like that??! Far as I'm concerned, he got the blasting he deserved. That's the thing with these "holier than thou" religious hypocrites. Clearly, he refutes scientific evidence that people (esp. kids) with autism are inherently prone to rambunctious episodes as such, because of inability to cope with the elements of their environment. It's just another example of theology trumping science in his narrow mind. Just be glad you weren't in the middle ages, when he would have accused your son of being possessed by the devil.

I can't believe a church usher would be that rude. He should be given disciplinary action, and I would avoid him from now on if I were you.

Time to find a church with real Christians. Hint, though: NEVER disclose socially. Someone who cares won't criticize a kid for being a kid, and someone who criticizes a kid for being a kid won't care.

Sounds like your church is something of an aweful place. No wonder it's stressful going there.
I'm a Christian and its always upsetting to hear that some of us can lack such love and acceptance for others.
Jesus wanted us not to judge others or have holier than thou attitudes. He gave us 2 important rules, "Love God, and love others." That usher and deacon showed neither. If Jesus had been there he would have playing with your kids and told that usher off for such a stupid and terrible attitude.
It worries me that the deacon was more conernced about you swearing than the usher's un-Christian attitude. Also, he said Bull*** to you first, right? They should get their priorities right. Then there's the whole "autism doesn't exist" thing
Also, your kids were doing nothing wrong by playing and running around.
Sounds like you should stop going. Some churches lack God's love and grace and are more concerned about enforcing rules on people. And the one you desrcibed sounds like one of them.
You'd be better off staying at home and watching Veggie Tales for an hour then listening to those spirturally dead muppets preaching at you.

Thank you all for your kind words

Retrogamer87: I'm going to mention to the priest that what the usher said about autism is on par with a racist slur. I tend to go into long explanations when talking and people miss the point I'm trying to make. This will sum it up succinctly:) Thanks! I am grateful that my family is as supportive as they are.

Toy_Soldier: "Playing with people is like playing with matches." That's a really good simile. I agree. I don't understand the need for the games people play--they're far from harmless. Yeah, I think from now on I'll just assume people I don't know are being serious and respond accordingly. I'd rather be seen as cold and aloof than enraged.

Jayo: I was shocked that he made that remark, too. I've heard that some people think it's just an excuse for kids to be "bad," but never met anybody like that until yesterday. I found out later that my grandpa knows the guy and dislikes him immensely. When he found out what I said to him, he laughed and said, "About time someone put the old *bleep* in his place!" So that made me feel better. What really gets me is that my son wasn't being bad. He was outside, playing, having fun, interacting. Not bad at all:) It's true--several centuries ago, people would have thought both my son and me to be possessed. Or thought we were "changelings."

Asperger96: I couldn't, either. I told the deacon that anyone acting in an official capacity should be held to a higher standard. He agreed. I hope he's asked to step down from being an usher, which isn't very nice of me, but, let's just say it's not the meanest thought that's crossed my mind. I get vicious whenever someone says something negative against my son. Avoiding him is definitely in the plan:)

BuyerBeware: That's an interesting concept, that a person who cares won't criticize a kid for being a kid, but a person who will doesn't care. I'd never considered it before, but it rings true. I always thought that people who were critical just lacked pertinent information and that all they needed was a bit of information so they could understand. Whenever I'm critical of anyone, this is usually the case and I like it when people care enough about me to offer some enlightenment. I guess I keep forgetting that not everyone is like that.

AshTrees: Thank you for your kindness:) I know...it is painful when others lack love and acceptance, especially in a place where love and acceptance are spoken of constantly. The good news is that I go to a large church and not everyone is like that. There are many people there who are quite nice and understanding, including the priests. When I inform some parishioners about my son's autism (usually after hearing a whispered comment they think I can't hear), many of them apologize and say they just didn't know.

This church is better than some others I've gone to. In one church, when my son got away from us during the service, (and we couldn't chase him down because I was having a seizure and my family was attending to me) one woman picked him up, took him outside and left him there! When we complained to the pastor, all he'd say was that my son was distracting and that his behavior wasn't appropriate for church. Other people who had previously been supportive of us sided with the pastor and the offending woman. We left that church. The problem was greater than one person. So far, this problem is with one person (I forgave the deacon for his admonitions about my cursing. I wasn't calm at the moment and I think he was just saying whatever he thought might calm me down. I'm scary when I'm that upset and people tend to panic.) I'm going to see how mediation goes before I make any big decisions. I don't think the usher will get away with the "autism doesn't exist" remark, though. The deacon's son has Asperger's Syndrome

It seems that you all probably don't attend church very often ...



... and it seems that you two have.

Am I right?

I don't need to be a church goer to know that he is all around me. seems to me you could do no worse than accept the blasphemy at a forgiven cost.

I actually attend my church every sunday (and sometimes attend a second one if I have the time), and the real thing is that church-people vary individually, but also on denomination. I think the author of this topic is Catholic, while in my denomination (United Church of Christ), we tend to be very open minded (one of the ministers in my church is a gay woman). I don't like it when all christians are judged by one person (or denomination) just as much as I hate it when people judge all Autistics or Aspies based on the one they have met. That is not fair to judge an entire society based solely on the words/actions of a few.

You ran into intolerant people at church? I am shocked.

I also attend church reguarly.
I go to a small Baptist Church and I like it. The minister is kind and so are the people. But, I am aware of just how wrong church attitudes can be. I have faith in God and Jesus. I have less faith in people.

I stand corrected, then. Thank you.

I will say this, though: The only church where I've ever felt accepted (not just tolerated), fired its pastor for preaching in favor of charity-based missions from the pulpit, rather than preaching in favor of building a new memorial wing to one of the church founders.

About half of the lay ministry (including my family) left that day, and the pastor went back into the construction industry.

You're right. I only used to go to church when they had a movie night and they stopped that a few years ago. Still, I've meant some Christians who were pretty kind and the church than ran the movies actually seemed pretty decent. I went to a different church in childhood but stopped going because it was too religious.