"Why me?"

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The two words that my brain is yelling frequently. Each time I think about it I only think of reasons for why I am thinking this and I become even more depressed. I'm failing my classes purely because of lack of interest which is just another way for me to say "I'm a procrastinating douche bag." I am having horid girl problems, I was able to talk to a girl and ask her out but she rejected me, people have called it a milestone for me for actually being able to ask out a girl but all I think is "she rejected me how in the hell is this an accomplishment?" And on top of that a dark past full of sexual abuse is starting to resurface and with this I think "I'm just using it as an excuse." I've lowered myself now down to the point of self-hatred, I can't see light anymore. All life has just become an endless collection of psycopaths doing psycopathic things. And the people of this world are the last ones I want to take my anger and frustration out on. God, Buddha, Quetzacoatl, any out there please answer me this one question "why me?"

Not just you. Us. We've all been handed the short straw when it comes to "normalness." I'd love to be married, living in my house in the suburbs, with my 2.4 kids, my dog and cat, my car and boat, and my retirement plans in place. That would be sweet. The ultimate achievement.

For a lot of us, that just wasn't in the cards. For myself, I'm quite sure I'll go to the grave penniless and alone. I think what keeps me going is WP. I've discovered a lot of misfits like myself and realize I'm not alone in my weirdness. There are others like me and that's a relief.

"a dark past full of sexual abuse" is not an excuse. it's a reason. give yourself a break. get some help.

the OP needs to get past the "why me?" stage and start walking. standing in place=going backward. it took me decades to learn this.

I never thought to ask Quetzacoatl for anything - this could be the root of all my troubles!

There are no excuses in the context of one mind; only rationalizations and presupposed facts. It's actually an asset in many ways to be this self-conscious. Your second-to-last sentence was proof of this, people who lead tough lives such as ours are inherently peaceful, to the point where our diplomatic abilities can actually tie together whole groups of people, weather we realize it or not. Often I think I'm abjectly out of touch and lost, when really in some ways I'm leading by example. Case in point, I'm about the most awkward loner guy you can imagine, but I'm actually none to shabby at throwing parties and generally keeping my head above all the chaos implied. Psychopathy is dangerous to be sure, it takes a practiced eye to discern it from the pathology of most NTs. Sometimes even you might lash out for one reason or another, for example I chewed some guy out for his terrible driving once, sure, I felt bad for having offended him, but I probably saved (N^X) people from a swift silver Camry in the rear end that day - public safety outweighed the burden of my conscience, he sure was driving like a psychopath. I might even have kept him out of a rollover, not that I necessarily should've . Doubtless, people have been on your case about your various missteps, it's stressful for anybody, but I think when you begin to meet them in the middle and raise mutual issues as they arise, you'll begin to notice more respect for your attention and presence. Bad teacher? Ask all the questions you need. Boring subjects still represent more or less infinite complexity you can apply later on to something you actually want to do. Down on yourself? Forget what you were doing for a while and go have some fun. There's a price on everything in the world, but some things you just have to view as long-term investments.

Things were definitely better for me today.

I met a girl, and even though she has a boyfriend, she's an awesome person whom I am glad to have made friends with. I don't really care about having a romantic interest with her, what really attracts me to her is the fact she is a comic book artist looking for a writer, and I am comic book writer who has been looking for an artist. So now I'm thinking that if I'm failing my classes "then big whoop it's only college." I may be having horrid girl problems "but hey you met a girl today, even there is nothing romantic that's still something." And that I must move on "to let the dark past go, and look towards a future of light." I guess I should thank good ole Quetzacoatl, after all he is probably the one responsible for all this happening, that awesomely delightful serpent in the sky.

I just go into these bouts of bipolar depression, that are hard to control even on medication. I wish I didn't have these near suicidal moments, they really scare me and make me feel like the weakest link.

^^^
one can only be "the weakest link" if one persists in being part of a chain- remove oneself from said infernal chain and one can no longer be the weakest link.

That is a very intelligent statement, but it unfortunately goes against what I believe in. See I go by the philosophy that we were once one but then we became many, but we all still retain a link with each other no matter what. I believe that when one makes themselves stronger (emotionally, physically, or mentally) then they in turn make this link and all those around them stronger, but when he is filled with such self-doubt as I am then he makes everyone else weaker. I believe in this and that great feathered serpent in the sky.

i believe in the bright world that is 3' above our dark world and at a 45 degree angle to it. i bide my time down here in this dark world until i am allowed to return to the bright world above.

I had another very bad day. I left my classes cause I just couldn't take it, I was to much of a coward. As soon as i sat down in class everything just began to storm my brain it felt like a hurricane inside of my head. My pitiless sense of self-doubt, my neglect for school, and my lack of a love life, all of it just went off like Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I don't know why things aren't getting better, last year they were, now this year everything that is me is just collapsing. I've been up and I've been down, I've smiled and I've frowned, but this, the perpetual loneliness is killing me slowly. I need someone or something to show me the way, some girl to give me love, or some boy to be my best friend. Please don't let it end this way, I want to move on with life I don't want to take my own. When will it be my time, when will it be our time? I want to have a moment where I'm on top of the world and no one can kick me off, why deny something like that to me?

If someone is out there please help me. I am at the peak of desperation, and soon I am going to fall off.

^^^
oh Frank, i know what it feels like to be young and full of hormones with no outlet, it sucks big wind. but i have to tell you, that if you take a shortcut to heaven it only leads you to the back of the line. there is no way out of here but THROUGH.

Slow it down, Frank. Maybe you'll have 'your time', but sadly you can't control the world. Slow everything down and concentrate on healing. Then, when your time comes, you'll be ready for it, and not burnt out or bitter to the core.

Last edited by octobertiger on 22 Oct 2013, 1:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by auntblabby on 22 Oct 2013, 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fair point, I forget where I am. I will amend it and I apologise. I meant well.

of course you meant well.

Personally, I believe that challenges exist to make us stronger. We have to learn how to overcome them. As Katy Perry says, "After a hurricane comes a rainbow." Personally, I can relate to you because I am going through a rough patch. I'm having more meltdowns than I used to, my grades are dropping because I can't get myself to do my work, and I'm crying in public--something I thought I grew out of. I have to tell myself that all things must pass.