Internal Conflict

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My everlasting and ambitious pursuit of social development has taken many strides and seen me become over time a better person but also a more conflicted person.
My communication both written and verbal has improved in leaps and bounds. I can exert diplomacy without the loss of my own opinion. I'm more understanding and empathetic of other situations and more aware of situations, people and conversations outside of my own little world and dialogue. However great, this quest for self improvement after receiving my diagnosis a couple of years ago has not been without drawbacks.

All the problems I had, I still have..only I have a better grip on them and perhaps the best way to describe it is they lay dormant like an old volcano. All those feelings of paranoia, egocentrism, cognitive dissonance, those desires to act on childish impulses, to be selfish or my brain's deliberate refusal to understand things outside of black and white context....they're all still there only I am able to hold them back 99% of the time. It's not who I am any more, it's not who I want to be, but those things will always be there trying to get out somehow. Additionally, my personality while a lot more vibrant is less colorful. By that I mean I express myself a lot better but I express far less emotions than I did in the past. I'm not even able to tell the people I care about the most I even care about them at all. Their comfort makes me rigid, when all I want to do is relax and be comforted by them. I'm constantly on guard trying to keep myself from being all the things I didn't like about myself that at times I'm not letting the bits I do like, out.

I think to sum up the above. I've improved and rehabilitated myself for the most part but the great cost of it all is I now have 2 personalities at work that are both merged into 1 yet at the same time constantly battling for dominance in my system. Have you ever seen Being John Malkovich? I am at times feeling like the puppeteer constantly switching between being in control and out of control. Is there any way I could just continue being as I am now without having to constantly maintain myself? I like how I am now. I've found the following helps a great deal:
-Heavily reduced my consumption of alcohol
-Eat healthier
-Reducing my medication
-Sleeping at "normal" hours
-Not carrying more money around than I need to avoid impulsive behavior.

I've probably written this whole thing more complicated than I need to, and I apologize for using "Internal conflict" as it's usually reserved for fictional characters and it might sound egotistic applying it to myself. I'd like to also say I hope to help others with things that are troubling them in this board over time but first of all I needed to get this off my plate before I can do that. Thanks for reading.

I feel humbled by reading your brave post.

The vast majority of people are at war with themselves - they usually block this out, and don't acknowledge it. By acknowledging it, you can do something about it - not saying that is easy, and it's certainly something I'm struggling with, which might be obvious.

The battle is between the part of you that would be 'God' - and the part of you that knows that you are not. You maybe don't understand both sides enough. And then comes a choice.

Some people choose a duality - sitting between these two mediums. This is popular in new age thinking. This never satisfies, and can only be temporary.

When you think about it, how much control does anybody actually have?

I might have something for you which might help you, or not - I don't know you well enough to say for sure. PM me if you are interested. Regardless, I wish you luck.

I don't think I can answer much of your question. Perhaps a professional who has a long history of dealing with Aspies and has seen patterns may have some more objective observations.

But for what its worth... that feeling of a split identity, when one has concentrated on acting more NT for extended periods, seems to be a common occurance. It may be the divergence of natural impulses versus learned behaviors.

But everyone has natural impulses. Freud theorized we all have an area or function of the brain that is our most basic instinctive and primative self. He called it the ID. That part of us doesn't have higher values, morals, or whatever you want to call it. It just wants. It serves itself. It does what it has to, to survive. And in general everyone must reign in or control certain impulses to live in societies. If you like your neighbor's car, you can't just go over and kill him and take it.

As Aspies however we have another set of impulses at variance with NTs. These I do not think are only rooted in that lowest function. If an Aspie saw a lion, he would still run away. He just wouldn't know from the lion's expression if the lion was in a good mood or bad. The Aspie differences do generally follow a predictable pattern. For instance tending towards solitariness rather then at the center of people and activity. But this is probably not because solitary behavior is an advantage in any way. Its more likely because the normal human circuitry is not functioning correctly and one retreats from the resulting discomforts.

So what you are experiencing may be both trying to manage the inner ape and also the autistic dysfunction.

The best help for me has been understanding it all and what is going on inside me. But it is not a one time deal. You have to evaluate your motives, desires, and needs and consider the same in significant others (friends, families, partner), many times over time until you start to see and become convinced of the truth of things. At that point things do merge and the different opinions become one, and solidify. But it is not all things at once. I get one thing figured out... but just that one thing. Then I figure out another, etc.

There are other ways to approach things. This is just mine. For instance, before I knew I had Aspergers, it was another ballgame entirely. I suppose it will depend on what works for you. Unless you do come accross a Doctor Asperger's foolproof personality re-integrator, it will be by trial and error.

I try to find a middle ground that I can be at peace with. Self improvement is a great thing, but when it becomes a relentless pursuit of your personal ideal(seeking perfection) it becomes very damaging.

I really connect with your description of 2 personalities in one person. And the comment about perfectionism rings very true to me as well. I find "improvement" to be a very painful endeavor. I'm always comparing myself to others who are "normal" and trying to adjust myself. It really hurts a lot of the time.

Thanks for the responses. It's nice to hear from people that have the same struggle and to see it from another perspective.
I guess duality sums it up well. It's something that might be a struggle for now but will get easier later. At least I hope so.