I'm recovering from what could have possibly been the worst week of my life. School is really getting on my nerves now, and it's the main cause of my depression, but my parents say "it's just your hormones" and want to keep me on hormonal birth control to regulate them, which I hate since it's counterproductive and is just making me fatter and unhappier.
I've had no group of friends to sit with since the beginning of the year, when I ditched one group all because they were nasty and stopped liking me thanks to my interests shifting back to normal after a phase of obsession with Game of Thrones which I will never, ever repeat. I also hate their drug/alcohol habits, since I refuse to do any of that stuff, but the majority of my year group at school loves to drink/smoke/do drugs.
My subjects are annoying me, too. I chose them impulsively last year based on what I was like back then, so I ended up with English, chemistry, biology, music and drama, and the last two are the ones I hate the most since there's a lot of performance in them, and performing for an audience is all about body language, which I just can't do no matter how hard I try. Music is the worst since I only sing a little, am terrible at guitar and have very narrow music tastes and like it better that way.
My teacher wants me to stay because I'm okay at music theory, but I would give anything to never hear another jazz song or look at another music score ever again. Music students are also forced into joining either band or choir, and I was forced into choir because I don't want to learn a new instrument. This morning I refused to sing and ran out halfway through the rehearsal, since I loathe pretty much any form of music now. I also refused to do an experiment in biology class all because my worst enemy is in that class, and I do not want to be paired up with her since I know she's going to make some stupid joke to put me down or brag about the last time she drank alcohol/smoked weed/had a one-night stand all because she knows I refuse to do any of that.
Playing video games on my phone is literally the only thing that will bring me comfort now, but even that gets stressful when I get stuck on a particular level. I've never had suicidal thoughts, because I always want to stay alive and conscious, but I just wish I was someone else and not this friendless wreck of a failure I am right now.
It's my best friend's (who I barely see, because she's on the spectrum too and very reclusive) birthday tomorrow, and I know I'm obliged to at least wish her a happy birthday, though I feel it's unfair to wish happiness on someone when you're downright miserable yourself. And when she does talk to me, it's about things I really don't care about, like an anime cosplay event I couldn't care less about because neither anime nor cosplay appeal to me anymore. It's sad, because this is how everyone at school feels about me, and talking to her is just like talking with my mirror image or something.
Sorry if this got long... I felt the need to vent.
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Make cupcakes, not war.
01 Nov 2013, 6:26 am
