I gotta give a eulogy ...

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A friend of mine - an elderly woman - passed away earlier this week. She was nice to me; always smiling and giving encouragement.

Her family asked me if I would give a short speech about her, and I agreed.

Last night was the first memorial service, tonight is another, and tomorrow is the burial. People who knew the deceased spoke at length about her last night, and pretty much everything that could be said has been said. Tonight it's my turn.

Any advice on the kinds of things to say? I'm no comedian, and my speeches all tend to sound more like statements given by police at news conferences ("Just the facts, ma'am ... just the facts ...").

I'm also one of the pall-bearers.

Advice, please?

I'm sorry to hear that.

I've never had to give a eulogy myself, but your first statement sounds like a good start.

Do you have any stories you can tell about something she did that encouraged you? I find that at funerals people always want to remember the good things that people did and share stories about them. You don't need to entertain, it's about sharing and remembering.

It might be a good idea to share some of your own vulnerabilities and say how this woman made you feel safe.

Little day to day stuff like how her non judgemental kindness put you at ease in a world you find difficult to comprehend.

For a masterclass in delivering eulogies, check out John Hannah reading Auden from 4 weddings and a funeral. It's bound to be on youtube.

Best of luck - it's bound to be emotionally taxing.

<hugs>

I wouldn't worry too much about being witty or entertaining, or even if you are repeating elements of other speeches. Maybe think of a personal exchange or anecdote that you can share, or what you appreciated about her. Keep it simple and sincere.

Done a few of these myself (being a priest....!). Agree with all said so far, plus write it all down and read it, this will keep the speed right, and avoid your mind going blank.
Good luck!

I'm sorry about your friend.

Maybe you could talk about the things you valued most about her friendship -- doesn't matter what they are... describe the things you liked most about her, or talk about the kind of person she was from your perspective.

A factual framework - how you met , how long you knew each other, what you had in common …

Describe the personal qualities which made her so special and such a good friend.

One reasonably complex or a couple of simple anecdotes which you feel illustrate and give more depth and a sense of story to what you've already said.

Finish with a brief summing up, and by saying how much you'll miss her.

Most importantly - be honest and sincere. That will come across more than anything else, and that is what people will remember afterwards.

Try to make it flow, so you move from one quality or thought to another in a way which seems natural.

If you want, pm me what you're thinking of saying, and I'll give you some feedback.

I know I left, but I was reading some and wanted to give Fnord some advice. Start with "Carpe Diem, Latin for "seize the day". <her name> knew how to seize each day and use it to be a friend. Not only was she a good friend, she was an example to us all about how to treat others and to strive to be the best we can be. I feel honored to have known her and to have been her friend. She was someone who I looked up to, and to follow her example we should all set our goals further and set the bar higher, so that we can be a person of the same caliber as she was."

That really doesn't say anything, but it sounds good. It's short and sweet.

Good luck!

Thanks to all of you for your insightful advice.

I'm off now to change clothes and take the Missus to the funeral chapel.

I'll let you know how it goes.

(Later that same evening ...)

It went well enough. When my turn came, I spoke on five major points - How we met, how long we knew each other, the things that impressed me most about her, what I will miss about her, and a few random complementary statements.

Then I went outside, stood in the middle of the lawn away from the lights and got my breathing back under control.

It was crowded, but I got through the service with "only" a small anxiety attack - no meltdowns or panic, just the urge to get the heck out of there and into an open space without any people or bright lights around for a while. Then I went back and stood on the edge of the crowd.

A lot of people told me that I did well, that they were touched, that I really expressed the essence of what made the "Guest of Honor" so special ... et cetera ...

Now, if only I could remember what I actually said ...

Tomorrow's the interment, and I'm one of the pallbearers. They're predicting cool temperatures and a chance of rain. Afterward, we will meet at an Asian seafood restaurant for an all-you-can-eat buffet dinner. Then I can come home, wrap myself in a blanket, and try to relax.

Thanks again for all the advice!

I'm glad it went well. Whether or not you remember what you actually said doesn't matter. You did a good job. People told you that you did. If you hadn't done good then it would have just been awkward silence or maybe just one person thanking you for trying or something like that. I'm sure it was difficult to do, but you did it and obviously did it well. I'd congratulate you on it but somehow that doesn't seem appropriate, so insert whatever thing like that that's appropriate here please.

I´´m sorry for your loss. I hope the funeral went well as well.

You're doing well.

When my dad died a few yrs back I was the high profile family member at the funeral, but couldn't bring myself to deliver a eulogy.

Look forward to - and enjoy - your blanket; you will have earned it.

The funeral went well. Four more people, plus the pastor, shared their experiences. There were eight of us pallbearers, and I was the only one who wasn't a "blood relative". There were no accidents, no incidents, and the only wailing occurred when the musicians at the grave-site inadvertently played a hymn that the deceased used to sing to her children when they were very little. Those children are now in their sixties and seventies, and two of them became nearly hysterical, crying "Momma!" over and over ... very sad ... they were nearly inconsolable.

They calmed down in an hour or so, and we all (100+ people) went to an Asian seafood buffet restaurant, where we all ate too much, and shared more memories of the deceased.

As memorial services go, I guess this one was better than most.