asking for hugs in counselling

Post Reply New Topic

I'm in counselling presently for severe depression and other ASD-related issues and have had one of the worst weeks of my life, as far as my mental well-being goes. I've had five pretty intense sessions with my counsellor so far and we've developed a good rapport. She knows that human contact generally makes me uncomfortable, or even hurts sometimes. I'm not a victim of sexual or physical abuse. But I could really use some physical consolation. Would it be OK to ask her for a comforting hug when I see her tomorrow?

Obviously, whether it's OK ultimately rests with how comfortable she is with it. I'm male and she's female. I have expressed positive feelings about her in the past; obviously, it's hard to know how she felt about those things because she didn't say anything explicitly about it, but I said nothing obviously inappropriate (e.g., when she told me I did a good job with practising small talk, I told her it was easier with her because she's smart and interesting, and she said, "Oh," seemingly a little surprised).

I'm curious about both the ethical and the emotional issues here. From what I have read, it's generally OK to hug a client if they ask, but issues like transference after sexual/emotional/physical abuse complicate things. I don't have any of those issues, so I can't see her refusing me on those grounds. Ethically, if something helps the client without crossing any boundaries, then the consensus seems to say it's OK. I guess the main emotional problem is, what if she says no?

I guess, like with all things in counselling relationships, it would be best to discuss it before asking.

Does anybody have any relevant experience or advice?

PKM, If I was in your position, I would say that I want hugs, but I have no clue how to go about. Explain, if possible for you to do, that you have problems with any contact. I doubt that the person will go through with it as it may be to unprofessional, but I've known counselors who would give a hug.

You may not want to go full hug straight off. Do you have someone you could bring with you to experiment with? Maybe someone you know that can fill-in as the one being hugged instead of the counselor. Maybe start with hand shakes.

See what the counselor says about this. she may have better ideas than any of us here on WP. I'd start with saying I want to work on dealing with adversion to physical contact.

I'd advise against. It blurs boundaries.

It's common to feel attraction for a counsellor, either as a lover or as a parent. Physical contact could emphasise this.

A counsellor offered me a hug once after a particularly demanding session. I refused. I refused cos I was scared of the precedent it would set. I was desperate for a hug but declined, to keep self and therapeutic relationship safe.

No, I think it would be inappropriate. Are you sure you have no feelings towards the couseler?

It's not about attraction or any such feelings. I've had a rough week: ended up in the hospital for self-harm, continued to self-harm, and have been suicidal most of the time. I have no family or friends in the city I'm in, so there's nobody I can go to for emotional support. A hug would be of comfort. But I recognize these issues still relevant. Still, it's not really about blurring boundaries. She's well aware that I have strong personal boundaries, physical and emotional, so I don't think a request for a hug presented in this way would suggest a blurring of those boundaries.

As a person who works in the mental health field...I can give you some information on what my own experience and training (refer to counselor's ACA code of ethics online if you'd like more specific information) has been so far.

First, let's start with the counselor/therapist. If he/she knows a client has had recent life cirumstances (i.e., parents died in car accident, etc.), the therapist can even ask the client, "Is it ok if I hug you?" The hard part for the clinician is... they have to ask theirself, "if I ask this or do this...will they become too emotionally attached to me b/c of some blurred lines once minimal contact begins?" This is why most therapist will do their best to avoid any hugging and so on...as to keep things on a professional level. Some will agree to give you a "side hug," and/or a simple hug instead of a full frontal hug. Where I went to school...it was often suggested to do this when possible.

Now, let's talk about you, as the client. You have every right to ask the clinician and therapist..."Is it okay if I hug you?" But...please keep in mind to never take it personal in any way if they refuse. Every counselor is different and most professionals have been trained to be extremely careful with any contact beyond a handshake (and some may not even feel comfortable with that). We have to weigh out if the benefits to the client outweigh the potential harm and/or mixed signals. Often times the latter does outweigh the benefits...which is why therapists are cautioned to be careful.

So...those two things aside for a moment, I have a thought. In both small towns and big cities there are a variety of support groups that people can get involved in. Anything from depression/grief groups, codependency known as CODA, etc....that may be a good start for bonding slowly and carefully with people that are often relating with similar issues. Would you be open to trying this as a supplement to your individual therapy so that you may get more of the interaction you need/desire. I know it may seem hard at first...but it might be a step forward in the right direction. Also, you could ask the same question (as said above) once you feel comfortable being with a member in the group. For instance after a group meeting...you might say, "do you mind if I give you a hug?" And then go from there...depending on the response to your question.

I do apologize for this lengthy and detailed response...it is just that this is a subject that comes up sometimes...and I felt like I could shed some light on what the perspective is on this end of the therapist/client roles. Also...I hope you get to feeling better and that you are able to receive some human contact/hugs. All humans need this...and research has been coming out for some time now about just how important it is too keep us healthy. May I give you a virtual hug?

That sounds like a perfect approach to me!! ! I think that being honest in the way that you mentioned and open about it is most definitely the best way to go. This in turn shows her that you are aware of what you would like/feel and at the same time conveys your respect for her.

You have some good questions.

Nearly every therapist has some type of theoretical orientation. For instance, I had to choose one area to focus on. Although some counselor's can take an eclectic approach...most who are trained well tend to focus on one main area. For example, a doctor might become a cardiologist that specialize in heart procedures or an oncologist that treats people with cancer. In that same way, a counselor tends to narrow in on a type of counseling (such as CBT, Gestalt, or in my case Rogerian/person-centered). Person-centered or Rogerian therapy uses techniques of empathy, unconditional positive regard, and so on. From what you mentioned about it sounds like you are seeking what many people/clients need....validation. If you know what type of therapist she is...that might be of the most help in understanding how she will approach various things that come up during the session. Some counselors are accepting yet are trained to be gently confrontational or prodding...where others are more relaxed, accepting, and help the client to find their own answers. In today's world there has been a bigger shift toward person-centered counseling b/c it fits across most cultures, can help with a variety of issues, etc.

Anyhow...I'm glad you are keeping an open mind and are able to look at things from her possible perspective. That being said, if your therapist is Rogerian/person-centered, she should be able to help you feel at ease and respected as a person. However, as with anything else...there is always a catch. Person-centered therapists are strongly discouraged (as are those with most other orientations) to give any compliments because these are referred to as what are called "value statements." We also aren't allowed to personally disclose information about our own experiences, life, etc...unless there is a major exception that self-disclosure could strongly benefit the client's treatment/healing in some way. I hope that makes sense. So in answer to your question..."it is not likely that she will be able to give compliments" even though she can help by continuing to provide a non-judgmental environment for you to be able to express yourself and come to your own understanding that you are a good and worthy person.

I hope you take what info you like and leave the rest if it does not apply to your situation. Have a great afternoon/evening...and I'll try to check in here again within the next day or two...if not before. Please keep me updated if you'd like...k.

Thanks for the advice. I'm just too exhausted to go through with any of this though.

I'm really tired of this process of trying to identify and deal with my emotions. I've only become more miserable since trying to get help.

Okay and you're welcome. I still do think it's best to just let her know what you are feeling and any thoughts about things. Honesty really is the best way, and for many reasons. I hope and believe that things will get better for you...will keep you in my thoughts.

im a female
couple of months ago i went to a psychiatrist for medication
during course of session he asked me to hold his fingers
i did and he eventually grabbed my hand in his hand running his fingers in my fingers
i felt odd.....

next time again i went for a session he did the same thing and this time he moved
from fingers towards my arms...

in indian culture its inappropriate to touch a women
and a doctor doing it is seen completely wrong.

we dont even shake hands in indian culture.........

i wont know whats appropriate in your culture

but professional relationship should be restricted to professional level