More silly games NTs play...

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My brother has been going through a really hard time. He has lots of stressful stuff going on in his life, and could really use a break of some sort. I volunteered last night to help him out any way I could, including giving him a weekly copy of my work schedule (it changes every week) so he'd know for sure when I would be available. All he'd have to do is let me know what, when and where he needed me to be.

In return I got b*tched out, in three separate phone calls! If that isn't crazy enough, here's his reasoning....
You don't just ask someone if they need help, because they will say no thanks, even if they desperately need the help. And they're not going to ask for help either, for some apparent fear of imposing. You have to just pitch in and start helping. You're not even supposed to ask what kind of help they need. You're just supposed to know. I called my dad last night to ask if he needed me to take him to his CT scan appointment instead of my brother. I got in trouble for that too, because I shouldn't have even called -- I was just supposed to show up to take Dad to the doctor. Never mind that I didn't know when the appointment actually was, just that he had one scheduled.

Another situation -- our paternal grandparents (in their late 90s!) are living with my brother. He complains that they are driving him crazy. I told him to let me know how I can help him. He got mad and said he shouldn't have to ask, or even tell me what he needs. I'm just supposed to drive 65 miles to his house every couple of days and see if anybody needs help. He said that way if help if needed, I can be there. If everything is cool, then it's just a good visit. (Oh, and just to clear things up, there's no way the GPs can move in with me. I don't have the room nor the financial stability to make that happen).

So...my question is -- who has the problem? The person who asks if they can help instead of just jumping in -- which btw doesn't work for me, because I find I'm more in the way than a help -- or the person who says they don't need help even when they really do? I swear -- if I live to be 1000, I'll never understand these kinds of games. If you need help, SAY SO! If someone asks you if you need help and you do, ACCEPT IT! Don't expect people to read your mind.

I've really never heard of anybody being that way when asked if they needed help or got an offer to help. Maybe if somebody is really stressed out and thinks it's obvious what they need they might yell at you and say something like "Yes I need help, come do this for Gods sakes!" but maybe your whole family were just taught that you jump in and do and not ask, or something. I've offered help to plenty of NT's and never been told that kind of thing. The only time I get yelled at about something like that is by my crazy mother when I don't call to find out if she needs something because she usually asks me, but sometimes she wants to play martyr and "does without" because I didn't ask her or offer something. I don't buy into that guilt though.

It honestly sounds like something that was one of those "unspoken rules" that get passed on in families and groups.

What he is saying to you is unreasonable. No human being is a mind reader, whether they have AS or not. This kind of thinking causes problems in families where all the members are NT as well. I am not sure why people automatically assume that other people should just know what is going on in their head.

If you lived in the same street it would be reasonable to expect you to pop over every-so-often, but not if you live so far away. In that circumstance a phone call is acceptable.

Sounds like he is very stressed and not thinking straight and taking his frustration out on you.

You seem to have been very supportive so far, but maybe he feels too down at the moment to realise that. Ordinarily I would say that communication is the best way to sort things out, but I'm not sure what to do when someone doesn't want to communicate.

I thought it was a really good idea for you to give him your schedule as well so that he knows when you are available.