Living without dignity.

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At this moment I feel less hopeless than yesterday - living without a certain purpose, drowning in my own thoughts of self-doubt and self-defeat, hating everyday of this pathetic life. Sometimes I just wish God could take my life in an instant, or wish I wasn't even born, for living in this world is almost like a living hell for me.

Every time I have the guts to make friends, I always end up hurting them in ways I never even expected, and worse, I've never had the guts to take the initiative to apologize to them. I only apologize to them if they approached me personally, and afterwards, things start to go bad again. Pathetic, right? Sometimes I just think I'm freaking narcissistic, not caring about anyone's feelings, just living a life of my own, but I never really wanted to hurt them. Sadly, I always end up doing so. So, here I am, no friends, no family or relatives to support me (they hate me right now). I'm a student right now and I just effed up my college life. Lazy, resentful, and depressed. This is what I feel right now.

P.S. People think I'm crazy these days.

It sounds like you know what you need to do.

I'm no expert in this field (hell, I barely rate as an amateur in any field you care to mention) but it sounds like your problems are a combined effect of your negative perceptions of other people (which I infer to have roots in your family background -- am I wrong?) and your tendency toward low mood levels and associated negative self-perception.

I would therefore recommend that you approach your GP, explain your current emotional state (and the effect it has on your relationships) and ask to be referred for Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy.

This is an extremely useful tool for adjusting self-perception, social interactions, and the partial controllability of unstable emotional states.

It's by no means a happy-clappy cure-all, and it can involve some quite hard work (in terms of self-analysis) but under the guidance of a qualified specialist, it can have immediately-perceptible results.

That isn't to say that once you've finished the course of sessions you will be a 'cured man' -- far from it, the effect it has on your life depends on your willingness to apply to everyday situations the methods and approaches you learned during therapy, and to subsequently adopt them as personal standards and develop them on an evolving personal basis, potentially for the rest of your life (should it prove necessary, which is an extreme but possible outcome).

Doesn't sound like you've got much left to lose. Why not give it a shot?

Wishing you all the best in any eventuality --

And while speaking with the GP, perhaps a discussion about starting or changing anti-depressants could prove helpful.

It may sound trite, but if you are aware of what is going on (and it sounds like you are) then its all about your next choice. Are you going to do the right thing, or smart thing, or are you going to screw it away. And lets say you make the right choice. Then it begins again with with what will you do with your next choice.

It sounds like you need to man up to the poor choices of your past (and not try to run from them) and start making good ones.

I didn't mention medication, but I am always amused by those who claim that they 'don't do it'.

On what perverse principle is this?

Would you not take aspirin for a headache? If you had a chest infection, would you turn down antibiotics? If you were visiting the dentist, would you decline novocaine?

No, of course you wouldn't, don't be so blimmin daft.

Comparing aspirin to anti-depressants is laughable. Sort of like comparing a single 12OZ wine-cooler to a case of vodka...

OP said "medication". I presume that applies to all medication. Or is some medication 'good' and others 'bad'?

In any event, what's so undesirable about taking anti-depressants if you're ill?

I have an axe to grind about anti-depressants. I think they should only be administered in "serious" cases. But as it stands now, if you even imply to a medical practitioner that you are slightly unhappy, a prescription for anti-depressants will arrive shortly.

I would tend to agree with you on that score -- one of the things I remember most clearly about the explosion in antidepressant prescription that occurred during the 1990s was a rash of media coverage about how 'unhappiness' was being treated as a form of mental illness (which theme seems to have been dropped, although I'm sure it's still relevant) -- but that's not to say that some people suffering from serious depressive illnesses shouldn't be prescribed them.

Generally, unhappiness is a transitory emotional state which is usually situation-reactive in nature and is strictly limited in its effects, whereas depression is an all-pervasive mood disorder that may not have any material cause, and which has all-pervasive effects on all aspects of an individual's conduct..

Only the prospective patient can tell the difference (and sometimes not even then) so we should not seek to discourage such sufferers from seeking appropriate treatment.

To take a personal instance: I suffer from depression, but also recognise that I am sometimes simply unhappy (for whatever reason) -- this doesn't mean that my depression is an illusion.