I'm sick of having nobody to talk to

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Not even my family seems to give a crap about what I think, it's all about them. I haven't been going to church, which is the only thing that matters to them, and since I'm not it shows that I'm "prideful". Today and several times before my grandma has caught me not going to church (usually I pretend by just going out to a restaurant or store for a few hours and then come home). Each time she gets all annoyed and says she is "very disappointed". I don't freaking care if you're disappointed! There are a lot bigger problems to have than being "disappointed". Maybe if you'd take one second to think about the fact that there may be a good reason I don't like going (perhaps because being there makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and/or like a worthless failure?).

I try explaining things, but I can't do it, because for one thing it's just so much to try to explain all at once like they want, and they don't want to hear the truth anyway. They want my problems to be because I'm a rebellious, stupid, selfish teenager, so they look for ways to prove it. And they conveniently overlook the fact that most rebellious stupid teenagers would probably be out partying and hooking up with girls, and just doing tons of pointless, stupid, "fun" things. Me? I just go to work where I am constantly getting confused, then I come home and hide in my room for the rest of the day, every day. Man, I'm such a rebel. Screw the rules, I do what I want.

I tried going to the young adult church activities, and most of the people didn't even talk to me (a majority of the ones that did were the older married folks that just come to supervise things). Some of the younger people introduced themselves, and I tried to find things to talk about with them, but I didn't know how to keep the conversation going beyond a minute or two, so they didn't talk to me after. Last time I went people were actually being kind of mean and getting mad at me for breaking the rules in a game where literally everyone was breaking the rules anyway, but somehow when other people do it it's just funny, and when I do it I'm messing everything up (and the guy next to me did literally the EXACT SAME THING, AFTER I did it, and people just acted like it was really funny or cool). Well fine, obviously they don't like me, so why should I go? My grandma says "you just need to put yourself out there". But isn't that what I did?

They don't care about me at all. They always shut me down when I try explaining how I'm feeling to them. They think I should be able to give all the information to them in 2 minutes or less, even though these are problems that have been developing and worsening for my whole life. And since I start shutting down and telling them "I don't know how to explain it to you!" because they want me to make something extremely complex be extremely simple, they think that just means I'm making it up. Since I can't explain things to them in a way that they can understand in just a few short sentences, I must be making it up.

And it's not just my grandparents, everyone I've ever talked to is like this. They either just don't care to listen in the first place, or they don't care enough to be understanding of any perspective but their own.

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

Hey.

Have you considered writing a letter to your parents/grandma/family? That way, you can clearly explain to them what's been going on in your life, the reasons as to why you're choosing not to attend the church services, and the emotional support you would like from them. The letter method gives them the ability to read it in their own time and allows you to get your message across without being interrupted.

Your grandma? Screw her. You don't need her approval. What does she know about the challenges you face? Nothing! That's what. She won't even listen. You're an adult so you can go wherever you want want on a Sunday morning. You can find a better church or do some other thing.

Changing churches really can help. My mum kept on getting harassed at church. They thought she was immoral because she was a divorcee and a single mother. When she told them of her struggles they told her she must be happy because God wants everyone to be happy. She started going to a different church and they were much nicer to her there.

you express yourself very well in this post. i second the idea of you writing a letter.

^I have thought about it, and there were times that I tried, but I always gave up because even I didn't understand myself well enough to explain it in writing. I would just get frustrated and give up, or they would read what I wrote and say I'm obsessing over nothing.

Their attitude was always, "If he wants to talk, or if something's wrong, he'll come talk to us." But I didn't do that because when I tried they seemed to interpret my seeking support as me wanting them to pity me, and they would say that the issues I was having were issues everyone has and I just need to try harder. They were always condescending and dismissive of me, and yet expected that if I really had problems that I would come to them about it. I was only avoiding them because I don't like being made fun of, ignored, and called a liar.

I feel like if I tried to talk or write to them they'd think I was making things up or just wanting attention, because most of my problem is internal. I just feel depressed about life in general constantly. I have a lot of difficulties with normal things that most people don't (which I now know is probably due to being autistic, which I never knew I was before; everyone thought I was just making up my problems). Recently I started cutting myself too, and I keep doing it more and more. But of course if I told anyone they'd think I was just doing it for attention.

People just don't take me seriously. For me it's easier to just pretend like nothing's wrong than to try to convince people that I really need help, because nobody has ever believed me before. And in a sense, I do want attention. But I think pretty much everyone does. I want it in the sense that I want to matter to somebody. It's hard to be happy when you feel like you simply don't matter to others.

And that is exactly how people would make me feel. I would try to talk about something that was important to me, and try really hard to be honest about my feelings so they could understand, and they'd just roll their eyes and say things like, "That doesn't matter." And tell me how much I annoy them, and that I only talk about myself, and all kinds of crap like that. I JUST WANTED HELP

I guess what I'm getting at is that I've had so many bad experiences with trying to communicate my feelings to others, verbally or in writing, that it's really hard for me to do so now. It didn't matter who it was -- parents, grandparents, siblings, "close" friends, church leaders, therapists -- at best they would be confused as to what I was trying to say (that was mostly just therapists), and at worst they would basically mock me and act like my thoughts and feelings don't matter to them. Certain individuals (like a girl who was my best friend and who I really liked) did this to me a lot.

These days I'm always afraid of talking (or writing) to people about personal matters, and I also tend to be extremely paranoid about a person's intentions if they even seem slightly critical of me, so I get defensive pretty easily, which only makes things worse. I just don't feel like others will ever fully understand. Ironically, I've found by far the most understanding on here, from people who have never met me and barely know me. I don't think my family will ever be that understanding.

If I try to do that I would probably get kicked out. And if I told them what I really think about their stupid church I'd probably get disowned. I really wouldn't care if they kicked me out though, I just don't care about anything anymore. They learned this when they kicked me out for a week a while back. I guess they figured I'd come back and apologize for my meltdown (which was a result of my grandpa shoving me in a closet and having two people threatening to put me in the hospital, all because I got irritated at my grandma for tossing my belongings around). But after they told me to leave I was seriously ready to freeze to death sleeping in my car, and I was honestly a bit disappointed when they called and told me I could come back. I really do want to die. I would probably kill myself if I had a method that would ensure my death. I haven't found any though, and I'm not old enough to buy a gun.

I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Before long you'll be able to move out again and then you'll never have to look at the old bag again. She'll again. She'll die a painful death from some old person disease and you'll skip her funeral.

The next time you think of killing yourself, think of this. Don't give your family the satisfaction of seeing you dead. Don't let them win. Live to be a hundred juSt to spite them. You're younger then they are and you will outlive everyone of them. Just wait. Your life will get better. Wait and see.

Mormonism sucks, from your other posts I've gotten the impression that the "stupid church" is Mormonism. I grew up in "the morg" as apostates call it, and it was horrible. All the kids made fun of me, and among other things I was told I would go to hell if I didn't stop listening to "devil music", which wasn't even heavy metal but regular 80s pop music. Finally I told my mom that I wouldn't go anymore, and she let me get away with it, but my family isn't one of the old line LDS families, they converted in the 1960s. Idaho is full of Mormons, so you really can't get away with bailing out like you can here in California. I would recommend simply moving elsewhere. Mormonism is more a tribal cult than a religion.

^ Yeah, that's it. I definitely have met people in this church that are similar to those you described. Some were ok or even pretty cool, but overall most of them (especially the ones in my family) are very judgemental.

They want me to go on a mission, and they say it's my decision, but really, I know there is only one choice they would respect. I told them I wanted to go because I knew it's what they wanted to hear. I'm definitely moving eventually though. When they find out I don't plan on going, I definitely don't want to be anywhere near them.

And yet when they knock on my door they always pretend to be so happy. They say I'll be so much happier is a Mormon. They casually say I should get baptized like it's no big deal but I know after it's done they'd treat it like I signed an iron-clad contract.

I ask about their mission and they tell me it's completely voluntary. Yeah right.

One time one of them told me he was disappointed he got sent to Australia and not Africa because Australians don't suffer enough. He said he thought starving Africans would be easier to convert than contented Australians

One time they wanted me to pray so in prayer I demanded God get his lazy butt down here right now. They didn't like that

Missions suck. My parents keep having missionaries over, they're old and I guess they like the company since they don't get out much, but I know that the missionaries are always bugging them to go to church.

I resigned officially from Mormonism about 10 years ago. Some of my other family has too. One of my uncles resigned a few years before he died. The funny thing is, he was the first convert in the family, he got baptized soon after JFK was killed. He was the guy who converted everybody else.

Anyway, missionaries do a lot of unpaid "service" work, my dad asked them to rake leaves and do a little painting of the trim on the house, and it looks good to the mission president to see his charges helping old people. But they get like $5 a day for expenses, and have to depend on church members to feed them.

Long ago mishies were asked to live off the land, they were sent to foreign countries where they didn't speak the language and were expected to learn the hard way, and they were sent to countries in famine and expected to eat like locals. Fortunately the church isn't THAT nuts today, but mishies have been murdered in places like Bolivia. You're 19 so you will be "called by God" pretty soon, and when you have to explain that you're not going all hell will break loose.

As you know Mormons used to be polygamous (some still are) and some have speculated that the real reason boys were sent on missions was to free up girls for "plural marriage". The Fundamentalist LDS deals with the problem by dumping boys in the middle of the desert with no clothes except what they've got on, no food or water, and telling them to hike. Nobody knows how many have died.

Anyway, try out exmormon.org, they have a forum where you can be anonymous. Also, josephlied.com, if it's still up, is a good exploration of the history behind Mormonism and goes into such things as who REALLY wrote the Book of Mormon, it was intended to be a satire of the Bible. You can read Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer, it's all about Mormonism and their love of polygamy.

They'll try anything. I once got treated to a badly off-key rendition of "I Know My Redeemer Lives" by two female missionaries (yes, females occasionally go too). It was so pitiful that I finally resigned from the church. If they snag somebody, they literally show up at their door every couple months trying to cajole them into coming to church.

It wasn't until the church lost a lawsuit that they were forced to set up a pathway towards resignation. Before then, their attitude was that if you join you are a Mormon for the rest of your earthly and eternal life. It was similar to the "billion year contract" of Scientology, not quite as weird but bad enough. The SCOTUS ruled that freedom of religion means freedom to change religion or renounce a certain faith.

In pioneer days anybody who tried to escape Utah had their throats slashed and were dumped in the desert as buzzard food. Brigham Young said that they should be drawn and quartered too and a few other gross details I can't remember, but usually it was just a slit throat. Of course, Mormons deny all this, they call it lying for the Lord. They put up a brick wall that you can't scale, they just deny deny deny.

Not just old people. I got a pair of them to mow my front and back lawn one time. No, not the pair of them. Strangely enough the Pacific Islander asisstaint did all the actual mowing. I sugested to the white Guy that he could do half but he insisted the islander had volunteered.

I know. It was cute blond one I pissed off with my unholy prayer. She yelled back that I should "treat God with respect"

That sounds like what I read in a Sherlock Holmes book. The Mormons at Yahoo Answera tried convince A Study in Scarlett wasn't a realistic potrayal of the early LDS but perhaps they too were lying for the Lord.

Churches are supposed to be places full of lovely/patient people that would at very least know how to accept and respect the others. I don't mean that i should be welcome as a king when i go to a church but i think that when they are not that kind of judgemental people the whole atmosphere feels nicer and more comfortable already, even if we don't even speak.
I'm a christian but i have no patience with all this hypocrisy that almost every church group that i've met are filled with, and for me the solution is simple: If i'm not comfortable with them i don't even try to stay with them.
Luckily my faith is in God, so the bad things that people do do not affect my beliefs and if you are too you should not care about what those people and your grandmother wants from you. This is specially truth if they are having such a bad impact on your life to the point that you think about ending it. This is like the extreme opposite effect that anyone who claim to be a christian should cause in your life.

I'm extremely reluctant to say I'm a Christian because of stuff like this. Besides I have a unique view of Jesus and the Gospels that doesn't mesh well with mainstream Christianity. I just tell people I'm a Jesus fan or something similar.