Something that drives me mad...

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...when someone takes a strong dislike to you and you can't figure out why. And then other people can't work it out, either. And the person who almost hates you is generally agreed by most to be a nice person. And you haven't done anything to upset or offend them, but you still feel like you have.

I realise that people aren't rational and that I could possibly trigger some emotional or subconscious reaction that can't be controlled, but it still plays the hell on my mind: 'What have I done?' 'What have I said?' 'Am I a nice person?' 'Should I change?' goes round in my head.

I had one person like this once, and in the end I put it down to frustrated homosexual attraction. It was just so in-your-face and unremitting that I asked and asked myself if there was something I was doing to cause it, and could finally honestly answer 'no'. It's fine for not everyone to like you (hey that's life) but when someone is hostile to you for no reason, the problem lies with them and not with you imho. Ignore, walk away, wave and smile. Why would you want to get along with someone like that anyway?

@CharityFunDay

I can normally just ignore it if the person seems to generally be a a bit of an arse. If it's someone who is otherwise a nice person, it bugs me. I guess life is too short to let it bother me but still it does.

I think it's because I've always unintentionally upset and offended people (comes with the territory) and working on making that happen less often has been so painstaking. I still have to analyse the way I come across and even after all these years of trying, I can still be insensitive and rude. It's less frequent but here I am nearly 30 and still trying to work on it.

When I can't figure out what I've done wrong (because I haven't done anything wrong) it drives me mad because I'm so analytically-minded and like to find answers. It's a waste of mental energy. I invested so much brainpower in working out social situations because it seemed like a good survival strategy, so now my brain automatically prioritises solving 'problems' in my social life. If I want to stop my brain trying to solve a problem (like this one) I have to consciously try to override this programme that's running in my head.

I've had this happen to me there was this girl at school who took a dislike to me and later she was working in the same factory as me, As far as I know I never did anything to her, my mum said she could've been jealous of me but I can't think why, as I was never popular or the type of person that had a lot of friends.

Yeah, that's not fun. For me the feeling is less of concern for what I might have done anymore and more that they are a present liability and that I do have to walk on eggshells, hence when they're around it's simply less fun to be wherever I'm at (ie. it's draining to deal with that).

From what I understand from most people the idea is you aren't really supposed to take people's crap regardless of how liked they are or how much people generally respect them - seems like that kind of 'deal with the present' is something that people do who haven't been trained to second and triple-guess their impulses the way we have. I partly avoid confrontation just because yes I'd feel awful if it was a matter of my own analysis stuttering (ie. they were on a crap day enough times when around us or just woke up and tend to be down-in-the-mouth first thing) but even if I am right I hate being right on that kind of thing and it seems like, if I can help it, slowly influencing the situation by not feeding energy into the dynamic, ie. really choosing to ignore their dislike and be ambivalent to their vibe while letting them know in little ways that they can make amends any time they want, I find that strategy preferable to honoring the dislike and making it a two way thing (unless they really go out on a limb to make it an issue - at that point I start ignoring them as a person).

^That was interesting to read. I don't know how I deal with it apart from getting anxious.

I don't know, I've always been taught to take crap off people if the general consensus is that they are superior to me in terms of social skills or empathy. If it's someone who has a reputation for being a 'sensitive person' (which I am, but I have the opposite of that reputation) then it's the worst. It's like other people can't think what I've done wrong, but they also don't completely let me off the hook just because of what I'm like compared to what the other person is like.

but how do you even know they don't like you if they are being a nice person? Did they actually say, 'Look, I just don't like you, mkay?'

Not everyone will like you just as you will not like everyone. Sometimes your personality just doesn't fit in snuggly with that other person's personality. Nobody is wrong as such, they are just incompatible -in outlook, in manner, in sentiment..whatever.

You need to give yourself a certain margin of error, you are not a robot and cannot aim for 100% success rate - that's just unrealistic.


I like you - if that helps

Sometimes people spot a personality trait in someone else that they don't like in themselves, and actively avoid displaying that part of themselves...and you are there as a reminder. Or, you remind them of something that they really want i.e. jealousy.

I like you. You should come down here sometime.

I'm also ready to admit that being a guy and being in the US it could be a different scenario. I've had times where, being technically a black belt student intructor, people have stepped on my toes who were well liked and who I liked. My example there - I've learned and moved though the ranks, I didn't ask for 'authority' but it's there whether I want it or not, and part of it is holding the line to a certain point in making sure that people don't get the idea to look at me and say 'Oh it's just (name insert)' strictly because if they'll do that to me, they could easily enough do that to the main instructor. I'm not too worried, nor would I cash my black sash in for a red to get away from the stresses of being new at that level, just that I'm not supposed to be corrected but at the same time I'm a space-case aspie (well, maybe not *that* spaced out but I don't live, breath, and eat self-defense) versus some people who are halfway through the lower ranks but who legitimately do live breath and eat self defense who then rather arbitrarily, even having better minds for it, have to honor a custom to where they're not allowed to correct me in class. Occasionally very well intended people, who I know are well intented, have stepped over the line and even stepped on my toes to an extent to where I was forced to let on that there was a problem mainly because it was less about the me to them transaction I was worried about so much as the line of social convention that I was charged with holding.

Areas that are supposedly more cut and dry like that, even people who other people I talked to like a great deal felt like I was extraordinarily forgiving and if in my shoes would have taken it personally or still would have that or those people on their isht list - even knowing that they're good people. I'm somewhat more used to what you're talking about, ie. reputation taking the front seat, so this is all a bit new to me but it seems like in the over 25 crowd there's a push more for people to call things like they see them and then expect the other person not to take correction - even if caustic - as a referendum on their totality?

I'll have to look into that more and get back to you on it. Seems like every group and situation may have its own internal caveats.

In this case, someone said something hurtful that was out-of-character for them. I guess they must've been stressed and something I said (that wasn't necessarily bad) triggered their stress reaction.

If I get my Christmas bonus, I will be in London in February.

Cool. Let me know via PM nearer the time if you do.

[quote="smudge"]Sometimes people spot a personality trait in someone else that they don't like in themselves, and actively avoid displaying that part of themselves...and you are there as a reminder. Or, you remind them of something that they really want i.e. jealousy.

I like you. You should come down here sometime.[/quote

I agree completely its just such a shame that it happens so frequently.

Good luck

I've had it happen to me, and I've felt that way about others. Sometimes they remind me of someone I can't stand, sometimes they make a remark or seem to have an attitude that I can't stand and I can't get past it. It happens to everybody. If it makes you feel any better you could catch them alone and not busy and say something like "I think we have got off on the wrong foot. I may have been in a bad mood when we met, or said something without thinking, if so I'd like to apologize and start again". If that doesn't work, then it's their issue not yours.

For what it's worth, I like you.