Need help! I lost a friend and I don't know what happened!

Post Reply New Topic

*Scroll down to my second reply for the short version. This long version is here just so everybody knows the exact details.*

My first semester of college started back in September and I made a great friend named Erica. She was geeky, a little quirky like me, and I started to become attracted to her over time. We had alot of similar interests and I did alot for her. I started to become attracted to her the more I got to know her. I began to do things for her like let her borrow my comic books, my copy of Skyrim which she was dying to play, and as a Christmas gift I drew her a portrait of Garrus Vakarian (Her favorite character from the game Mass Effect that she loves.) Unfortunately the week I was planning to ask her out in December, some other guy came along (A guy who wasn't a quarter of the man I am.) and started dating her before I even got the chance. I never asked her out and we still remained friends. We also signed up for some of the same classes.

First week of January I decided to give her my old router so she could have set up Xbox Live because I remember her telling me that she has to buy one so she can finally set it up on her Xbox. I texted her I found my old one and was willing to give it to her. Friday afternoon she picked me up and we hung out. We played games and watched a movie and talked about alot of things. She brought up that during that week, she had a fight with her boyfriend because they had different religious views (Her being atheist and him being devout Catholic) and she wants to break up with him. I encouraged her to do so because it's obvious that he didn't respect her at all. They broke up the next week. It was mutual.

So she had Xbox Live now, and over that I became friends with her best friend Samantha and her gay friend Leo. We talked alot together on there and I liked it. They were really cool people. I told Samantha and Leo that I had a crush on Erica and they offered to help me out when she was ready to date again. I told them about my plan to give Erica a surprise Valentine's day gift, and (Of course) they told her and ruined it. Erica sent me a message that she wasn't ready for a relationship and we should just stay as friends for now, but I had a shot if I was patient. I was cool with it and respected her space and gave her as much time as she needed.

The semester at college started up again the next week. She offered to share her textbooks with me in the classes we had together. We talked alot. We had a discussion about relationships and she started flirting with me, but I never picked up on it at all. Everything she said to me I never registered emotionally. It went through one ear and out the other and I had no idea she was until after I thought about it. It was then I revealed to her about my autism when I failed my driver's test. I never fully explained to her what it was but she said she knew.

The week after signed back up for a class I had originally dropped that she signed up for, so I could offer to help her out in it because she was graduating when the semester ended. Everything seemed good. She continued to flirt with me and try to feel a connection with me, but I still never picked up on it. I still gave her what was originally her Valentine's day gift (A t-shirt with Garrus Vakarian on it) and she was grateful.

Thursday of that same week, I texted her if it was okay if I could call her. She responded "Why do you want to call me?" and I responded "Just wanted to see if you still wanted to hang out?" because a few days before that I asked her if she wanted to hang out with me just as friends and she said she wouldn't mind. She texted back the following "I think hanging out with you was a mistake. It gave you the wrong idea about us. I have no interest in pursuing a relationship."

I was confused and didn't know what happened. I thought I made her mad so I texted her back saying I was sorry and that I valued our friendship. She responds "Thanks? So the parameters are we can hang out at school after class. Anything else would be uncomfortable and awkward." She said she wasn't mad and I was okay with that. talked to her later that night on Xbox Live, and I asked her what happened about why she just flat out rejected me before I even asked her out on a date. She said she didn't feel a connection between us. I didn't understand and she said she tried to feel one before when we had a conversation last week and she flirted with me. I told her I didn't pick up on it and to give me another chance because. I told her about my Asperger's and she said it had nothing to do with this. I tried explaining to her what it was like but I screwed up because I couldn't focus and I was crying and she called me "weird". I told her I'm sorry at the end and she left the Xbox Live Party and that was it.

Next day I sent her a message on Xbox Live saying "Hey" and she just replied "Too soon". Sent her a message back saying I'm sorry and I didn't want any of this to happened. I couldn't tell what she was feeling about me at that point and during the argument if I was making her upset. I just assumed she was mad at me so I talked to her friends Sam and Leo about it. Sam didn't help me much, and Leo told me to not apologize because that makes it worse, and to give her space and time for her to get over it. So I did. Tuesday comes along and I didn't say a word to her and she didn't to me either. I was afraid and embarrassed of what happened. At the end of class I went to approach her to talk to her and give her textbook back that she let me borrow. She saw me walk towards her and when I called her name she ran out the doors and down the staircase. I saw her outside and when she saw me try to approach her she walked away from me.

Next day in Geology class right before it began she moved her seat as far away from me, then got back up and approached my desk and asked for her book. All she said and that was it. When I gave it to her I said I want to be friends still and I'm sorry. She responded "I can't-- This is awkward" and walked away back to her desk. I texted her back to please let me explain what happened and to apologize and she texted me back "lose my number".

I left the class room, went to the lowest floor of the college in the bathroom nobody uses and I had an autistic meltdown. My head started hurting and my stomach, and when I get really anxious I have heart palpitations. My parents picked me up and I explained to them what happened. I came home to discover that she deleted me off of Facebook (Still kept her ex-boyfriend on there up until Valentine's Day) and Xbox Live. Sam did the same thing too. I went for Leo for help and he said he'd help me out and he felt bad for me when I explained what happened. He said to give her time and wait for her to contact me back. He also deleted me off of Facebook and Xbox Live while I talked to him also, and I still do. Not sure why, maybe to keep it a secret from Erica and Sam. He said he never spoke to Erica or Sam about this and they never brought it up. I'm not sure if he's hiding something from me.

This was all in the first week of February. Its been four months now. No contact from Erica. I tried sending her a friend request on Xbox Live and she rejected it, and also blocked communications with me on that.

I did everything for her, and I cared about her, and that Tuesday because I ignored her I gave her the wrong impression that I was pissed at her, and she was never really mad at me. I've heard people say she blew this out of proportion and it was her fault or it was all my fault. I don't want to believe she used me either despite what some have suggested because I know her well enough that she'd never do something like that. I believe it's both of our faults, mine a bit more than her's. I'm not using my autism as a crutch here, but because I misread her emotions and misunderstood the whole situation, I reacted to this the wrong way, and she reacted to my reaction of this the wrong way also. She doesn't know what autism is like and I never explained to her what I go through. This happens alot. Because people don't understand they way autistics do things, they get the wrong vibe from our actions and get mad at us even though we weren't doing anything wrong. She probably thought I was coming off too strong and I might have weirded her out when I was just trying to be a good friend to her and I never made it seem like I was too attached.

I want to see another autistic's perspective on all of this and what I should do. I want her back as a friend because she was a good friend to me, I felt connected to her but didn't know how to express it and when I was with her I didn't have this feeling of isolation, and I don't want our friendship to end over something this stupid and childish. She's intelligent and open-minded and rational and I know if I explained to her what happened she'd understand. I didn't expect her to be so emotionally fragile and I didn't mean to hurt her. I've also considered the possibility that she may have a form of autism also because her behavior was similar to mine in a way. It's possible her last relationship ended up bad because her boyfriend took advantage of her so easily.

I know there's a way to solve this all so please don't respond "There is no way" because there is always one. I'm considering writing her an apology letter. I still have her number and while she deleted me off Facebook she hasn't blocked me on it. I just want her to stop being mad at me. I want to talk this out and explain myself so we can go back to being friends. I'd give anything to have our friendship back.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. It means alot to me that people are willing to help me out in this situation. And sorry that it's a long read, I just thought it was important to mention most of the details. Any questions feel free to ask, and I encourage you do because I think there's some things I left out and some things may be misunderstood when read at first.

Last edited by MDWebster on 03 Jun 2012, 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Couldn't this post have been abbreviated SOME KIND OF WAY??! !

my bad. If you read the entire thing, you sir (Or madam) deserve a cookie.

Alright. Basically I had an autistic meltdown when I got rejected, thought she was mad at me, talked to her friends on what to do, made things worse unintentionally, she cut off all contact with me and it's four months later and she still hasn't spoken to me. All due to a simple misunderstanding.

I want to explain to her what happened so we can go back to being friends but I don't know how. School is over and she graduated. Still have her number, can still contact her on Facebook, I know where she works, and I can easily find her address. Was thinking about sending her an apology letter through the mail. What should I do instead of "doing nothing because there's nothing I can do" because I don't believe in those kinds of answers?

If your description is accurate, it does not appear to me that you actually did anything wrong.

She attempted to be, but she was not romantically attracted to you, and she felt too awkward knowing you were attracted to her to continue a relationship with you.

I do think you were too soon to approach her after this issue arose, and too persistent, but I don't think it really had much bearing on the outcome. Some individuals are just not comfortable knowing individuals they are not attracted to are attracted to them.

I would not write her an apology letter. I don't think you have anything to apologize for and I think it will only worsen the situation as she had made it clear she does not want to have any contact with you. If you persist she might report you to the school or the police.

I'm not attracted to her anymore, I've moved on. I just miss her friendship. I didn't mean to come off as too strong. I told her I have never been in a relationship before and I didn't know what to do, and my autism makes things complicated.

But why'd she have to cut me off like this and put me in a depression, especially someone who is autistic? no closure on what happened and leaving it to haunt me? Did she not value everything I did for her and the friendship we had together? We could have talked this out and came to a simple understanding.

I wish I could just explain to her what it's like to live with autism, because then she'd see what actually happened. Maybe later on (I mean many months from now) I could visit her at work one day and pretend to be a customer. Might give us a chance to catch up.


As for the letter idea, I'll just send it to her on Facebook. Don't care if she blocks me afterwards. I'm doing it for myself so I get closure on the fact that she knows what my perspective is in all of this.

i understand how you must feel right now as i two have lost a friend in a similar way but i`m afraid what Chronos said is correct and if you persist she might call the cops or something i know this is hard but you have to move on

Among our many "failures", us spectrumites, is our ability to leave well enough alone. We have to probe and dig and analyze and dissect our special interests. Whatever is our focus we simply have to see it through to some kind of conclusion. If we're focused on writing a book or a song or a thesis for college or painting a masterpiece or learning about all the bugs in the Northern Hempishere, we'll excell. When it comes to abandoning a failed relationship, he fall flat on our faces because he just can't simply let go. This is when it gets scary. This is when that kind of obsession gets the attention of authorities. We. Just. Can't. Let. Go.

Yeah. I live in Seattle so I'm still reeling from the latest multiple murders-suicide from the past few days. And you know what? The killer was autistic. He thought the musicians in a particular coffee shop we his lifelong friends. When they finally rejected him because of his erratic bahaviour, he went on a killing spree.

Boys and girls, the art of letting go eludes us. (I have an ENORMOUS problem with it). That's why I'm glad WP exists. You can talk about your 'letting go' issues and get support before you do something rash.

Whoah whoah whoah, I'd NEVER do something like that and it would never get that bad. I'm just analyzing the situation so I can understand it better. It helps me get over it.
It was only the first month since this happened when I was really depressed and couldn't stop thinking. I try to forget about it, about her, and it works and I wouldn't think about this for weeks. Sometimes when situations end like this, they tend to pop up randomly in my head and I can't help but think about them. I don't feel an emotional response like anger. It's more of a confusion combined with curiosity.
It's how I learned to cope with my life and get by before I was diagnosed (Which was fairly recently) and it has served me well so far.

This was all over a simple stupid misunderstanding because she thought differently of what I was doing. I wish I could talk to her and explain what really happened, tell her about what it's like living with autism. It's ignorance about what people like us go through that I hate.

It was because of this whole event I became more open about my autism. I'm not embarrassed anymore by it. I accept it as part of me, and those who refuse to listen to reason and still regard us as wierdos and freaks and names of that nature and make fun of us, they can go to Hell.



But why I don't understand is, why can't they let it go? If someone makes me mad, I get over it fairly easily. Maybe I have more tolerance and patience with people. I fail to understand why people prefer to be enemies and hurt others than be friends. Being enemies is too much negative energy. Not good for the mind.

Maybe I was wrong about her being a good friend. Pretty crappy of her to just cut me off and not take into consideration every thing I did for her and how I'd feel about it, instead of talking it out because it'd be "too awkward". Every day of my life is awkward. When I was with her and hung out with her that one day, I felt awkward. When she told me about her past relationships, it was awkward. But I didn't let that hold me back. I dealt with it. She brought this upon herself by leading me on the entire time. Say she wasn't ready for a relationship yet still flirt with me and try to feel connected to me. I didn't know she was and I didn't try to make a move because of what she originally said. I just acted like a friend to her and treated her like one of my guy friends.

And you know what? I forgive her for what she did. Maybe she'll come back to me and apologize and we'd be friends again.

The thing about relationships is that they sometimes do NOT work. Attraction is a 2-way bond that is not that easy to come by.

Maybe she really does not see you that way. Maybe she tried, or found someone else etc.

I must say though... you tried too much. You must respect a NO... chasing, trying to explain, making excuses like giving back books (you could've delivered through her friends) in class, crying... just is too much creepy stalker modus operandi.

Give people space when they ask for it. But, really, keep an open mind to other girls. You're in college, your chances are good.

Good luck man.

lol been there b4. just gota move on. maybe you guys will work it out later on.

But I don't want a relationship with her after she rejected me, I talked to her friends that I'm sorry I took it badly and didn't mean to freak out and have a meltdown because I'm autistic and sometimes it happens when I don't know how to respond to a situation. I told them I'm fine with being friends with her and would still like to be. Just to put it behind us all and never mention/think of it again.
I was only being her friend. Didn't make my move on her, never tried to flirt with her, she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship yet and I was fine with it. I respected that. Just wanted to hang out with her (Because, ya'know, that's what friends do) and I even told her she could bring her friends along so she wouldn't feel awkward.

Do neurotypical people usually behave like this? Jumping to conclusions all the time without even knowing the other side of the story and let their emotions/fears intefere with their judgement? So bloody irrational



Crying is creepy? Was I supposed to take the first rejection I ever got so well, when I was so confident in myself and so sure that I could have made this work? I'm sensitive, many autistics are. It's not my fault. I try to work around it. I really do. Sometimes I fail. It's perfectly human to do that when you become upset. If someone was crying I'd feel sympathy for them rather than think they're creepy.

I respect a "no" but I don't respect when people over-exaggerate the crap out of anything due to a simple misunderstanding and build up drama. And now that I realize what this has become and why it did, I'm starting to form the opinion that she's not worth my time.



Oh trust me, I am keeping an open mind lol. Tons of cute artist chicks at my college. There's no short supply. I just hope they're in my classes this time.

I've given her space. Haven't spoken to her or made eye contact with her since this happened. I don't even see her anymore since the semester ended. I speak to Leo once in a while and we still play video games on Xbox Live. We don't speak of the situation unless he brings it up.

The friendship was short, but I understand that even small relationships are incredibly personal for aspies sometimes. But another thing for us is being obsessed with the way things were--we hate change more than most people.

I understand that you don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore, but also--don't care about her anymore. Even if you become friends again she could easily do the same thing again on a whim. This isn't just being an aspie thing, this is every human being has various idiosyncracies and flaws, not just aspies. This isn't just you didn't handle a friendship right--this is also her choosing not to respond to your messages and to flat out shun and ignore you.

You did come on too strong, but you explained your autism and so she had more than enough information to make an informed choice. You're pursuing it so strongly because you believe if you cut off contact, she won't attempt to rebuild the friendship with you herself--and if she's not willing to try to be friends--that isn't a friend i'd want anyway. If she DID become friends with you and messed up and you decided to end the friendship, would you give her a chance to explain how she messed up unlike what she did for you? If yes--then this friendship will never be on an equal level.

Crying for the male gender is stereotyped as creepy, while for females its seen as sensitive and even compassionate. I don't agree with the stereotype, but she called you weird for doing it?


I'm sorry for your hurt, but one of the hard things of being aspie and having an incredibly tough time forming relationships is that sometimes we go out of our way for people who don't deserve it.

Last edited by Greatsharkbite on 04 Jun 2012, 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dang that was great! thought you were talking about me.

Sweet Pea hugs

It was through a text message that I sent to her saying that I couldn't take my Driver's test because of my Asperger's and have to go through a bunch of paper work or something. She knew it was a disability based on the way I said it so I figured she knew what it was. Maybe this is the first time she heard of it and thinks it's a motor skill disability. But she also encouraged me to keep trying and not to let it hold me back.



True. I agree. When she first found out I actually liked her she sent me this message:

i have something deeply important to say, and it's killing me inside writing this, but it's the respectful thing to do.
i hate to let a great friend like you down. it's about a particular upcoming holiday. i think we should stay in a friend zone relationship, and detour valentine's day because i'm not yet ready to invest in another romantic relationship yet. i'm still hurting from the last one. i think it would complicate things and i would lose you as a friend if i were forced to be more fortchcoming with my feelings so soon. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
i hope this doesn't hurt to read as much as it did to write. and i'm sorry for being misleading, i didn't mean to be. please don't hate me.><
see you soon, i'll be on live probably after midnight.

I accepted her apology, she seemed really honest about it and she didn't want to hurt my feelings, and told her I understood and she was cool with it. Never picked up on her flirting with me or trying to feel a connection because I can't pick up on that stuff due to my Asperger's. And I didn't want to rush into this either. So I gave her time to recover, as much as she needed. So I never made a move on her, and continued to be her friend.

Reading that message again made me tear up. Sometimes I'm too forgiving and accepting of people for my own good. I should have just made it look like I was mad at her and deleted her off Facebook and everything, or when she sent me that text that she had no interest in pursuing a relationship with you.



She called me creepy when I said I tried to (Poorly due to me crying) explain what my Asperger's causes. My words got screwed up and she probably thinks I'm a sociopath now.
Which is also a stereotype, too. Just because someone is a sociopath doesn't mean they're creepy or a murderer.

I never heard of this stereotype before that men are creepy for crying. I think it takes a real man to actually not be afraid to express his emotions and cry in front of someone. I'm not afraid to, but I'm trying to learn how to express them like an NT person.



:'( also true. Thank you for your reply. It was really well thought out and helped me a bit. Thank you so much.



Thank you ^_^

I'm still on the fence about her. Part of me wants to let her go for what she did, part of me wants her back. I'm tempted to send her a Facebook message just to see if she's over it. I wish she could just see what I'm going through.

I wonder what it was like on her end. Was it that easy for her to cut me off? We had that argument on Thursday night, never spoken until Wednesday six days later when our friendship officially ended.

lol i love sweet pea hugs. Man dont worry bout it if it is ment to be it will work out if not maybe its for the best.