i have nothing to live for and ready to give up

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ive considered myself suicidal since i was about 15. the only thing that's stopped me is the fear of what lies ahead and more importantly, my younger siblings. i have so many repressed memories my childhood seems like a fragmented far away nightmare. i went through a lot of mental abuse, physical abuse and im not sure if it counts as sexual abuse but i was witness to incestual rape at a friends house (i have no clue if i was touched but there were a lot of red flags such as starting fights in kindergarten and refusing to the end to take my shirt off at pools/beaches, making my toys have sex, dislike of showers, still to this day hate water splashed in my face etc). in my teenage years I got passed back and forth between my parents cause neither one wanted me and several times i found myself either homeless (legitimately homeless, like eating out of dumpsters and stuff) or couch surfing. im 20 now and everyone my age is out doing things with their lives while i sit at home doing absolutely nothing. i am the epitome of a loser. i have NO reason to be here. i spent a lot of time as a kid wishing someone would come take me away where no one was angry. dreams dont come true. Ive lost all interest in any type of social life, i never feel hungry and have to force myself to eat, ive always had sleeping issues and when i am able to sleep i always have the worst nightmares, and lately i have had NO interest in sex at all and the thought of it actually disgusts me. No girl will ever love me and i will never have a family of my own. my life sucks. no matter how hard i try, something ALWAYS goes wrong and ruins my plans. the only reason i see for me to be here is to be the 'bad example' to my siblings to show them what NOT to do. but ive decided they'll be better off dealing with the loss of their older brother than growing up to hate him for being such an embarrassment. if you're gonna reply to this then for the love of god do NOT give me pity. i guess i just needed to rant. sorry to waste your time. there was really no point to any of this.

Ok. No pity from me.

I felt compelled to write to you because I, too, have been homeless and suicidal. Hell, I even attempted suicide and landed in a psych hospital for two months. I've been a drug addicted loser who slept in the street and in his car. I'd given myself up for dead.

I write to you in the hopes that you can see there are others out there in the world like you, people who are desperate for something - anything - to happen. I'm in limbo right now so I'm in a very depressed place. However, I think I gain something when I communicate to folks in need like you and hopefully, when you reach out, you do the same.

We draw our strength from each other. Hang in there.

No pity here neither.

Sometimes ranting is all we can do. And hope to be "heard".

the no appetite, sleep problems and no interest in sex sound like clinical depression along with your low mood. antidepressants have a reasonable chance of helping you feel better. with feeling better, you might find a satisfying hobby or even meaningful relationships.

I tried suicide once by pills. had a good sleep and woke up feeling better. things have changed a lot for me since then in ways I could never have guessed. lost a (stressful) career. became disabled (during early part of this time, I also considered suicide). did volunteer work. got married. got new career.

things always change for me but its never for the better. im 20 and have literally nothing but a guitar and a sketchbook and i put those to good use but whats the point? no one wants my creepy drawings and music died a long time ago. i guess you're right tho, all i can do is hang in there. maybe one day ill laugh at all this.

Live for your art then.At twenty you are still so young,you just don't know what's ahead.How many people really have it together at that age?
Nothing wrong with creepy art,the best work I ever did made some people uncomfortable looking at it, my psychiatrist said he would never forget it.
You have to learn to laugh at it.Cultivate dark humor.Laugh at the ridiculous nature of it all.

TBH in just about anything you do in life some does generally go wrong. They are obstacles. But the way to deal with it is work out a solution, an alternate path around it, etc. Then it becomes a delay only, a problem that had to be worked out and not the ruination of all your plans.

well, you must want to be alive for some reason otherwise you wouldn't be posting here now

so...

life is really f*****g hard work, make no mistake about that..but you want something out of it, so..you have to figure out what it is and then throw yourself at it full on, relentlessly until it manifests..

and then...


you get to go through it all again

I know,

it doesn't make sense.

Except for the experience.

Yeah, what's the point?