Wasting time being depressed

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I've been going through a low lately, and I've realised yet again how much it has affected my productivity. A couple of months ago, I was all raring to go about finding a better paying job so I can live a better lifestyle with my newish partner. Then I got down.

It's a chronic illness, as debilitating as a physical illness is. The fact that I've been able to keep working and socialising at the rate I have been doing is indicative that I'm not a weak person. I do get frustrated at how I lose sight of my plans for the future when I get ill, though. So much energy is wasted fighting the illness that I don't have enough left to think long-term.

I think I'm a passionate person. When I want to do something, I go at it with gusto and even a certain amount of stamina, but I have a limit. When I hit that limit, my critical/analytical side takes over and starts pulling everything apart. A lot of the thoughts I have when I'm depressed are actually legitimate things to be frustrated or upset about, but it's the energy with which I pick at them that is damaging. It's like the energy that I originally had when I was productive has been channelled into this dissection of everything in my life and in general. This causes me to shut down on the outside, whilst the internal psychological engine is overworked and overheating. I look numb, withdrawn and like I'm not doing much, but my mind never stops.

My life is too short to spend much time in this state, although I can appreciate that being in it just once or twice gives you a different perspective on life. I end up like this too often. I would say the majority of my life has been lived like this - partly because during my formative years, I allowed bullies and vindictive people to disable me and stop me from being my best. Now when other people, society/the system, or just natural circumstance keep me from being my best, I get angry, then I get depressed, then I get stuck in depression so badly, I forget what I was trying to achieve in the first place.

Oh well, at least I've noticed this pattern.

^ +1

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Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

This fits what I go through so well, it's as if I could have written it.

I always wish I had beneficial advice to give to people who feel so closely to the way I do. I know it hurts, I know it's hard to live with. I know saying just that is a complete and total understatement. This kind of depression is really more like constant despair. It's torture.

It is truly difficult to get through. But you are monumentally strong for surviving. Take pride in the fact that what you have to fight through to function each day does make you a next level badass, even if it is under appreciated. You probably have a greater insight to people and the world than most people (or even more than you think you do). And like you said, it does offer an incredibly valuable perspective!

I hope this phase in your life is over quickly.

Thanks everyone.

Just writing this post enabled me to clear a bit of fog. I'm now been able to sort out in my head what I want to do in both the short term and long term. Hopefully, I'll be able to find the energy to do it, but I guess everyone needs downtime and thinking time.

I remember reading someone said when they felt bad they put on Leonard Cohen,dressed in black and allowed themselves to feel blue.
When I hit a low,I would mentally beat myself up,thinking of what I should be doing, and feeling like s**t that I couldn't.Just to do dishes was like climbing Everest.I'm better at just riding it out now,it's an illness,so I should not feel guilty about what is beyond my control.If the house is a wreck,so what?If I had a broke leg would people expect it to be immaculate?
I think of an undertow,and that if I hold my breath,I will eventually be carried back to surface.Then a thought,if I have to feel bad let it be that someone right now is not,that somewhere someone else is happy.I do a visualization that I am carrying their sorrow for awhile.

Wow, that was a most powerful statement, and reading it somehow made me feel better about my current circumstances (which your OP described perfectly). Thanks for sharing that, and know that by doing so, you made a positive difference in at least one life.

Also, @Misslizard - I loved what you said about visualizing carrying someone else's pain for awhile so that they can be happy. I think that is awesome, and I am going to try to do the same.

^^^^ all of this

I'm very glad that people reading this post can relate to it and that it has helped some people to identify their feelings.

I have struggled with depression, and my strategy is to start writing in a journal when I feel depressed. I write positive things about myself.