Social Success... then Complete Failure

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I recently started going to group therapy, because I've lost interest in everything (everything being video games since that's all I've ever liked). At first I saw group therapy as a good way to burn time just to get through the days faster. For a long time, I had given up on socializing because I always screw up. But, then this girl there started showing interest in me. I've been doing a little research on body language (body language is very difficult for me to understand), and I might have been wrong, but it seemed like she was interested in me. I began developing an interest in socializing again.

Later on I asked for her number and I used text messaging to talk with her a little bit. Later on, I asked if I could hang out with her, and she let me hang out with her and some other people after group for a while. Everything was going well, mostly. We had good talks together during group. We talked about my Asperger's even, and everything was going well, and she gave me the impression that she understood me, and all about my Asperger's, and would never betray me. She told me she understood, and told me she wouldn't betray me. Later on, I told her through text messaging that she was the only thing that makes me happy (because she is, literally. Nothing makes me happy. I've been extremely depressed for about 7 years now, and before that I was moderately depressed my whole life. She is the only one that made me happy in a very long time)

She then told me that she doesn't want me to depend on her so much. I told he I wasn't hitting on her, but she didn't care. I told her I had no choice (I don't), once I like something (or someone) it (or they) are the only thing (or person) that I can like, especially when I have nothing else. I have a very narrow range of interests. It used to be just video games, but video games bore me to death now, and have been boring me to death for years, so I have nothing but laying in bed staring at the ceiling and wishing I were dead. I told her it was just a part of my Asperger's. But, she didn't reply to my text messages anymore. BTW, because of the 160 text character limit, I didn't tell her all of the above, just that I wasn't hitting on her, and that I had no choice because of the way my Asperger's works, and that once I like something or someone, it or they are the only thing or person I can like.

She wasn't responding to my texts anymore, and I started getting emotional, I was having a meltdown. I told her that she was making me cry (I was crying), and I was scratching my arm with my nails until red and bloody (I don't have any good knives) and I told her I was getting suicidal thoughts. She then told me that I should get help from my counselor, and that they are the only people that can help me (wrong). My counselor happened to call me to ask me what was going on about 20 minutes later. He's never been very helpful, and I've been seeing him for a year now. No Therapist that I've ever seen has been helpful. I've taken many medications, and they did not help, but made things much worse.

I went to group the day after I told her she was the only thing that makes me happy, and I wasn't expecting her to be there, I thought she was going to avoid me. But, during group, we didn't talk much. I basically just told her I was sorry, and it's just my Asperger's. But I don't think she cared. She said she was going to do some fun stuff or something after group, and I asked if I could go with her, and she said no. I just want to hang out with her and talk to her so badly, it's the only thing that cheers me up. I was going to jump off of a bridge today, but they were doing construction on the bridge, and they were working on the spot I was going to jump from, and I think they are putting up fencing all around the bridge, so I couldn't jump, and will not be able to jump, so I have no suicidal plans anymore, that was my only plan.

I don't know what to do now. I feel so trapped, even more trapped than I have been for the past 7 years. I wish there was some way I could kill myself, but there are no options available to me. I wish I had a friend with Asperger's Syndrome, and one that suffers from the same problems that I do, rather than trying to make friends with NTs (impossible). I'm not sure what you all are going to think about what I've said here. I've never been good at predicting human behavior, and I have never been able to tell what would people would think if I do or say this or that. I have very poor social skills.

I had something similar just happen to me. The intensity of the remarks scared her. The intensity of your bond with her scared her. I understand how you feel. It is like you have choice between talking to someone you like and being enveloped in this black hole of emptiness and loneliness because she is the only person you have an intense bond with.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I am no longer suicidal and obsessively contacting my love interest. It has taken some time to find acceptance but I have the acceptance now. I am socializing with other people now. I don't have as close of a connection with them but I am not all alone going crazy like I was a few weeks ago.

To be honest, I obsessively come here and post now to kill time until I get a job. Once I get a job, I am sure that I will have more social interaction. I don't need much social interaction to feel okay but I can't stand being totally alone (no connection with anybody).

Thank you for your reply em_tsuj.

At this point, I don't care what she thinks of me anymore (kinda), because I know that I most likely have no chance of being her friend anymore. She betrayed me. She said she wouldn't judge me because of my Asperger's, and she went and judged me anyway when the dark side of my Asperger's showed. I am disgusted by her now. Part of me still hopes that she can forgive me for my flaws (flaws that I really can't help doing), and that we can still be friends, but I really doubt it's even possible.

She did not betray you. She didn't judge you because of your AS she judged what you did. Her judgment was based on your actions not on the fact that you have AS. She didn't betray you at all. You were becoming friends and it was working out. You told her about your AS, but a few conversations isn't going to make someone understand all about it and how it effects you. Did you tell her about special interests and obsessions? Did you tell her that people are likely to be an obsession? Did you let her know that she could become your entire world and special interest and obsession, and if so did she agree to still hang out with you and not let that bother her? If so, then yes she betrayed you. If not, then no she didn't.

Your mistake was you didn't follow the natural way that people get closer. You jumped from being friends who text and sometimes hang out to basically telling her she's everything to you. People normally don't tell someone that they are the only thing that makes them happy until they are in a very close romantic relationship. Usually that's the kind of thing that's said after they are saying "I love you".

Guys (and girls too) who do that, just jump the gun and assume that they are in a much more devoted and close relationship than they are actually in, will scare off the girl. It's not just AS that causes guys to do that. NT guys have done it too. Unfortunately, they usually turn into stalkers. You cannot expect her to be ok with just being a casual friend one minute and then the next for you to tell her that she holds your entire psyche and emotional wellbeing, your future, your goals, your plans, and everything in her hands and is responsible for it because telling her she's the only thing that makes you happy comes across exactly that way. While most girls are going to be happy being the main person and interest in their boyfriends life, they aren't going to be happy being the only thing in his life, as in the sole source of his happiness.

You may have meant that you have been depressed and lost interest in so much for so long that your friendship with her is the only thing that's bringing you happiness right now, and if you did mean that, then phrasing it like you did made it sound like you are in love with her, you want to be with her constantly and you are obsessed with her and will do anything to spend even a minute with her because without her you are devastated. If you meant it the first way then keep this in mind because the next time you want to let someone know their friendship is really the only good thing you have right now, you will need to tell them that more carefully. If you meant it the second way then I can understand why she stopped talking to you. It's not the AS, it's because she's afraid you are going to turn into a stalker and become obsessed with her. She was distancing and protecting herself, not betraying you.

Most people don't know all about AS and aren't going to learn all about it in weeks or months even. It effects everyone differently and just telling her that you have special interests that are intense isn't going to prepare her for you suddenly coming across like you are obsessed with her. Expecting the conversations you had with her about AS to prepare her for something like that is like inviting someone to spend the week at your home and telling them it's a bit messy and cluttered and then when they come in the door it's like one of those floor to ceiling piled up with mess and cat poo houses like in the tv show "Hoarders". She signed on for being your friend knowing that your AS causes you to have social difficulties, quirks, special interests, etc, she did not sign on to be your source of happiness and to be there for you to depend on for that. That's a lot to put on somebody.

I doubt things can be fixed with her, because she's always going to have the "creepy obsessed stalker" idea in her mind now, but you can let this help you in your next friendship. You met her, you can meet other people. You should keep trying to meet other people.

Also, you said you met her in group therapy, so I'm assuming she's got some issues of her own as well that she's working on. She probably doesn't want the responsibility for your mental well being along while she's trying to fix her own problems.

If you are obsessed with her, then you should really discuss this with a therapist. If yours doesn't help then I'd suggest getting another one. Getting that obsessed with someone that quickly will always scare them off and therapy can help you learn to control that. It's a pretty scary thing to 99% of the population when somebody gets that intense that fast. You couldn't help your feelings and you blurted them out and then you couldn't help the meltdown, that's true. Therapy can help you learn to control what you say to others and help you learn how you come across so that this kind of thing doesn't keep happening.

Even though you couldn't help your feelings and your meltdown because of your AS, that doesn't mean she betrayed you or that she judged you because of your AS. It's not a "get out of jail free" card so that we can say and do whatever we feel and expect others to understand and accept us, especially when the things we say and do can make people uncomfortable, scared, angry, etc. She didn't want to be in the position of being the only thing that made you happy so she took herself out of the situation. That isn't judging or betraying.

You really can learn to control what you say and do, at least to an extent. It's hard to learn but over time it gets easier to do with practice, and you won't always be able to control it, but learning how to do it, and learning how to come across the right way are both very important for you to learn and they are something that I would find a good therapist to help with asap.

Thank you for your reply OliveOilMom.

I'm aware that she did not knowingly judge me because of my AS, she judged me because I did something very socially awkward though, which is a symptom of my AS, so it is because of my AS, she probably just doesn't know it. I can't remember if I mentioned anything to her about obsessions, and becoming obsessed with people, at least not before I told her about how she was the only thing that makes me happy. I tried to tell her after that, but I don't think she understands, because she is not replying to my message. Besides being because of AS, I feel like it's because of my severe depression and long term social isolation. I've lost interest in everything, and it's been this way for years and years. I've socially isolated myself for more than 7 years now, but not just because I wanted to, not always (I just didn't want to get hurt again and again and again like before), but because I am most of the time unable to meet new people, it's near impossible for me, and usually when I meet new people, they are bad people who hurt me. It's very rare for me to make even an acquaintance. So I thought this girl was my friend, I thought we were closer, but I was wrong, because I don't know how social rules work, at all.

Thank you for your sympathy Sherry221B.

You're welcome. I do sympathyse. Depression can be awful.

Have you ever tried antidepressants? I have severe chronic depression and sometimes I need meds for it. It takes a while sometimes to find the right ones that will work for you. You have to be willing to go through s**t meds to get the ones that will work for you because everybody has their own chemistry and it's trial and error to find what works. When you find the right ones, it's like magic.