It's xmas and I'm loosing it

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Well it's been a coons age... Think last time I really spent any time on WP was almost 5 years ago after a breakdown and diagnosis... Even managed to loose my login - no clue what email it might have gone too...

What a sh*tshow of a day! I can't believe how wrong it's gone in just 6 hours...

gonna ramble...
Lets see since last time I was here, got married to the then fiancee, almost had a little guy (late term miscarriage) then we did successfully have a kiddo. That wasn't so good honestly, my wifes definitely not been right since. But anytime I bring up post partum or make mention to her doctor (and they follow up) - she goes off the deep end. And promptly switches GP. He's 19 months now; scaring the crap out of me - because he's not talking yet - well into freaking out that he's aspie too...

Been through a few jobs since last I was here - took a year to play with something fun (but just wasn't stable enough income in the end); went back to my original industry but on the field side. Then that company ran out of work - moved to another... They dried up just a few months later - and I decided to just give it a whirl on my own. That's been stressful as heck. Managing, but sales and customer relations all day? No chance to pawn it off on an underling... December's sucked - not quite sure where mortgage payments coming from yet... We had agreed to go easy on eachother for christmas - but wife's CC mailed her to say call us and we'll increase your limit - today - so she went nuts on me... I have almost nothing for her... (and there's been a long running consistant fight over how she does this EVERY year; I ask for a budget - I end up not getting told what I can play with until 22/23rd or so - then there's never enough time or money to do much; and meanwhile she's gone off on my gifts... Then the fight starts around christmas day at lunchtime - she'd disappointed; I'm loosing my mind knowing it's coming). Yesterday we weren't doing much - 4pm today - after watching the kids all day... I find out I'm about to get f*cked again; not like I can say - hand it over toots, I'll go run it up - its already too late; she closed all the stores...

Tonights fight - I lost my temper. We were waiting for santa (local event, santa comes knocking) - I was pretty clear it was important to me (I may have been talking/reminding about it all week)... 6pm comes around - wife wants to put him in the bath and get him ready for bed - when we can see they're coming down the street... She goes off full bore screaming / yelling that I'm not listening to her needs. I fold - that makes her madder. Handled about 10 minutes of yelling... Then needed to get away (that gets her madder every time). Got the "You better not walk away" a few times while pacing... Lasted a few more minutes...

Well next thing I know - the baby gates gone flying, I'm in the garage; my nice table saw's a bent hulk of metal and broken plastic about 10' from where it belongs... I may have lost my temper Probably need a few stitches in my foot; broke my big toe for sure, it's now about 4x it's usual size, nails pretty much ripped off... This is what I get for not wearing steeltoes 24/7...

All because I wanted a picture of the kidlet with santa...

And now it continues to deteriorate... I hate christmas, always have, starting to think I always will - thought I'd be able to make the best of this one... All I wanted was a santa picture... FFS! Now I probably need to figure out a place to live... at christmas... because I wanted a picture of the little guy with santa.

Sorry to hear that things aren't going so well in Christmas. I think the financial pressure during this time of the year gets enlarged. So both of you are under pressure and your wife with disappointment as well. Apologizing for losing your temper and tell her that you still love her and care about the kid probably can smooth the emotions and pressure. Expressing love doesn't necessary require gifts, saying nice things and positive things to praise her probably diminish the disappointment. Have a good shower and a good night of sleep, tomorrow will be a better day!

Thanks for replying... Might have been mostly to.get things off my chest... But felt better typing it.

Stuffs just going downhill faster and faster... Left out of Xmas gift opening... Awesome. Got theexpected tirade because once again - unequal gift exchange... I'm so overloaded my head is spinning and have one of those lovely between the eye headaches where stars start to appear in my vision...

Wish I had a place to go... Ive already missed Xmas - I'd love to be anywhere but here.

I'm glad you feel better after gift opening. It's ok about the unequal gift exchange. Love is not about equal gift exchange. I think being nice to each other, respect each other, gentle to each other are also gifts from God. Be good!