About my childhood and my past

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This is me hard to go back into what had happened. But if I don't tell someone it's going to get bigger and bigger and bigger until it explodes. I need to get this off my chest even though I say I can trust no one you are the only people I can release trust enough to share this with you. I do trust people on wrong planet,just not pretty much anyone in real life. Becides the people would've witnessed it I had never told this to anyone else if I had said anything it was very brief and not nearly enough explanation.

This is essentially revealing my deep dark secret and an explanation so I can accept what happened and and possibly get near the station to the track to the train on moving on.

my brain has tried to pack all of this away and if I don't let it out now. I'm just going to keep going back to where I was and eventually I'll be back to where started.

my life was and sometimes still is a living hell. It was Murphy's Law pretty much anything bad that could happen did. I was tortured both psychologically and physically by many people even my own grandmother.

When I was in school in elementary school K-8 everybody hated me to know why is for no particular reason. At first I thought it was because I was heavyset or because they thought I was ugly honestly I still don't know why. Everything that could be done by a bully happened. I was called names, excluded, laugh at, when do that subtle girl bullying, embarrassed, people who moved to that school told not not to be friends with me. Again just name it and it's happened to me.

Now let's get into physical people physically mocked my lack of eye contact my voice, the way I walked, How I would bump in to things. My main tormentors hit me or otherwise physically hurt/ attacked me and then ran away knowing that I couldn't catch them. They would take my lunch, books, anything and run away with it or destroy it or write horrible things in it. They would throw my backpack in the trash not even nicely it and threw my entire contents into it. Something was written about me in the bathroom. People threw paint, paper,gum, in my hair. Again you get it.

There are also people who pretended to like me as before mentioned and either talk behind my back or told me to do things like where different clothes or lose weight.

And about people taking advantage of me they would always ask me to do the work or to give them money or to do something for them or something like that.

And some people who have it at the time consider friends witnessed these people torturing me and didn't do anything about it didn't even acknowledge me didn't even look at me. Didn't even ask me if i was was okay after seeing it

And this wasn't just in school either is anywhere after school, at an event, in a program, in targeted ,online anywhere. I never had a break from it.

A few kids from the other class that I went to to avoid being tortured they left me because they got cool or what ever. And the one or two people who were decent for about a year when I was in third grade moved away.

And going into ninth-grade wasn't that much better either. Sure I wasn't tormented like I was before but the bullying was still there.

Another one of the people who witnessed all this horrific stuff like that was one of my friends criticized everything that I did and exclude me from being in her circle of friends. Who told me to shut up and said I was talking to myself.

And of course as you know my grandmother didn't help at all In fact she made it worse because she abused me too.

And I'm top of that I had to deal with her being my guardian my mom and not being around and her and my aunt being mentally sick and in and out of hospitals. I had many deaths in my family.

And as for me everything I touch either gets lost or breaks and I always seem to be messing something up or missing an opportunity.

This is why I can't trust anyone. And you know why but this is also why I only become friends with the kids that are in my special needs group mainly the ones who are liking me but were a little bit lower functioning mentally. Because I feel like they're the least likely people to hurt me and I can relate to them. I've been hurt so much by everyone that I can't even even attempt friendship with someone I don't you go out and hang out together outside of school.

This is not everything I went through but it's the gist of it.

I'm sorry to hear about your past struggles. I've had a pretty tough life myself, but i don't think I was bullied that much. i'm really sorry you had to go through that. my life is still a mess, since as you say "anything that can go wrong, has gone wrong". i'm still struggling with my past mistakes and torments. i think it's important not to over dwell on those things, although i know why anyone who has been through it, would. it's tough when nothing seems to be going your way, and when others put you down for not being as "perfect" as they are. we then tend to feel hurt and depressed but often at these times we see what reserves of strength we really have. try to keep close to whoever you can, and if you can share your feelings with them, then all the better since bottling things up, tends to make things worse. one thing we must try to understand is that we're more than the cards we're dealt in life, especially when those cards are unsatisfactory.

That you can still make friends with anyone is great, after all you've been through. It will help to have support, and eventually you can get away from what is happening. But I know you are really struggling now, I'm sorry things are so difficult.

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so tough for you, jen. I was in a similar situation until just recently, being mocked and harassed about everything from my clumsiness to my short height. It was an extremely difficult time, and since then I've still had trouble putting it all behind me. But the best way to get it off your chest is just to share your feelings with someone, whether that's a friend or a family member or whoever. Hang in there, girl, and if you ever need a friend, just remember that you're among friends here on WrongPlanet.