Stuck for another week, not sure how to cope...

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I have quite a happy life. I have ways of dealing with all of my issues, even though the sensory problems are quite severe. I have my bad days but overall, things are good. I have my own apartment, shared with my cat, which means I have all the space I need for myself, and I only have to work about 30 hours a week including all my preparations and everything. I can even sleep late every morning if I want to. I have great friends and wherever I am, I can really be myself without feeling excluded or targeted.

But right now I'm not home. I'm in the USA. My sister is getting married on Saturday and I have to go to the wedding. My grandmother bought my plane ticket, even though I didn't want her to. I'm here for 10 days, got here on Friday night. So I've been here 3 days. 7 to go.

I'm staying with my sister because I can't afford a hotel. I'm sleeping on the couch. Mostly it's been okay - her daughter, my niece, is amazing and I love her. We're having a good time together. But her fiancee is an as*hole. Macho man type. Police officer. Former marine. Conservative republican who firmly believes 'Murca is the greatest country in the world. Considers me somewhat of a traitor for preferring to live in Europe. Very conformist, and likes to harass anyone who is even slightly different from the mob.

Mostly he's been working since I've been here and I'm just hanging out with my sister and niece, and sister's best friend. But today he was off work, home all day. And other relatives started showing up today. The house was full of people and noise all day. I did really well until evening. The fiancee started pushing my buttons for fun, as well as finding ways to make his daughter scream as loudly as possible. I got a good loud one directly in my ear a few hours ago and it still hurts. I don't know for sure if everyone keeps talking louder, or if it's just my sensitivity getting worse because of overload. At last, the other family members went back to their hotel (except my other sister, the sociopath, who's staying on the other couch starting tonight) and the kid went to bed, but the fiancee won't stop being an arrogant, loud-mouthed dick, slamming things around, making noises just to annoy me, pushing my sister's buttons to make her fight with him over nothing just to show what a big tough guy he is.

Finally, I realized I was going to have a meltdown unless I did something. But I don't have a room. I'm sleeping on the couch, and everyone is in the room with me. I don't have any space to myself. I can't hide in the bathroom because it connects to the kitchen/living room, sound passes right through the wall/door, and anytime someone is in there more than a couple of minutes, everyone outside starts harassing them to hurry up. There's no private space here at all, everything is open. So I did the only thing I could think of: I grabbed my headphones, turned on some relaxing music, and did my best to hide behind my computer screen.

They keep going in phases. Sometimes they just talk amongst themselves and ignore me, but sometimes they decide to poke at me. At least one of them (the sister getting married) knows how bad my sensory problems are - I spent some time explaining things to her when I first got here, about meltdowns and hypersensitivity and all that. But either she doesn't recognize what's going on or she doesn't care. The fiancee keeps pestering me, trying to force me to join their conversation and making a big show about how rude I am for ignoring him. (Serious bully-type.) Other sister is a sociopath and enjoys poking at me as well. Only the best friend is leaving me alone, because she's heavily drugged on various medications and is barely conscious. (as*hole fiancee is pushing her buttons too, but lucky her, she's too drugged up to care.)

I just moved to the couch (was at the table). Can still hear them talking but at least I can't see them and they're not directly harassing me at the moment. On the other hand, all I want is to go to bed and hide and sleep and probably cry for a while, but I can't go to bed until THEY all go to bed. I'm sitting on my "bed" right now. And starting tonight, the sociopath sister is going to be in the same room with me.

So I'm stuck here until next Monday morning. And it's only going to get worse. More family members are coming every day, and there will be very big, very loud, very crowded events every day. I am NOT permitted to miss any of this. I want so desperately to go home, crawl into my own bed in my own quiet apartment with my own loving cat. But I can't. Seven more days... I don't know how I'm going to make it. Especially once my psychotic mother shows up on Wednesday. She won't even accept that I'm autistic. She has always insisted to everyone that I just make this s**t up for attention, and spends all her energy screaming at me about what a miserable, horrible, awful little piece of s**t child I am.

I know there's nothing I can do. There is no escape. All I can think of is that I'll have to sedate myself. But I only brought 2 pills, in case of extreme emergency. I feel like I should save them for the most stressful days (the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself). And in this country, I have no access to more pills. Somehow I get the feeling I'm not going to be able to hold it in anymore. I'm going to start having meltdowns, and as*hole fiancee isn't going to recognize or care that he needs to back the f**k off, and he's going to keep pushing me and insulting me and harassing me about what a freak I am, and it's never ever going to end.

At least when I was a kid, I had my own room to hide in. Or I could go out and take a walk, or drive once I got old enough. It's freezing outside and I don't have warm enough clothes to be outside long. And I don't even have a driver's license. For the first time in my life, there is truly no escape for me. I don't know what to do.

Right now they're talking about all the brutal murders that have been committed in this area recently. Fiancee is promoting the importance of owning your own gun, in case someone tries to shoot you.

I WANT TO GO HOME.

Edit: Now they're throwing things across the room and trying to get them to stick to the wall. I tried to sneak past them to use the toilet and as*hole tried to hit me with one. I ran back to my computer and put my headphones back on. I desperately need to pee but I think I'd better hold it until they all leave. I think I'd rather wet my f*****g pants at this point.

so sorry about your situation. I can't think of any solutions to tonight. perhaps there's a library or a quiet coffee shop nearby that you could spend some time in tomorrow. I feel the worst for your sister. she will be committed to the bully fiancé. I wonder what she sees in him. keep reminding yourself that you get to go home in a few days. you can survive most things for a few minutes. try to get through this a few minutes at a time.

I agree with the above, find some place quieter than there.

also, sometimes SLOW deep breathing can help a person calm down.

there's nothing nearby. I'm in strip mall country. nothing but fast food and liquor stores nearby. and even when i go into shops, people won't leave me alone here. they're loud and "friendly" here. no privacy. everyone's nose in everyone else's business.

My sister will be fine. she's one tough chick. she doesn't have any problem dealing with his crap, and she's got just as strong a personality as him. she's always dated these types of guys and she has never put up with any crap. it's everyone around them that suffers because of him, since he needs to assert dominance over someone and he can't do it to her.

"a few minutes at a time" doesn't work for a whole week. This isn't a psychological problem that I can work through. it's my sensory issues. the noise level. there comes a point where my nervous system just freaks out and I have a completely uncontrollable meltdown. screaming, throwing things, crying, banging my head against the wall. the only guaranteed short-term fix is valium, and since I only brought 2 of those...

only thing i can think of is i'll have to just stay drunk for the next week. i'm very sensitive to alcohol and i'll end up feeling sick most of the time, but at least it would dull my senses somewhat...

but i want to play with my niece, i love her so much....

he's bouncing something off the wall just above my head, over and over and over again. now he sees that it's bugging me and he won't stop.

(about an hour later)

i lost it. hid under a pillow and started sobbing. i thought at least one of them would realize i'm having a problem and say "ok let's leave her alone" but they just collectively decided to ignore me and carried right on. they started talking about more violent situations, then explicit and terrifying details about their sex lives (involving choking and other such things). finally i thought they would go to bed, it's midnight after all, but instead they decided to take a trip to the gas station to buy scratch tickets.

all left but my sister. when i was sure they were gone, i slowly came out of my hiding place, went into the bathroom to pee, saw how awful i looked from crying, then came out and told my sister i need to go to bed now. "well... everyone just went to the store." then she went into the bathroom. i made a decision. started taking the cushions from off the couch and bringing them into the "office" - really just a corner room in the open floor plan in between the kitchen and the guest bedroom (occupied by sister's best friend). when she came out of the toilet i told her waht i was doing. she said "well, it's not what I *want*, but if that's what you have to do..." i told her if they're staying in the kitchen, i need to be somewhere else.

so it's not quiet here - there's no door between me and them, but at least they're around a corner so i can't see them and they can't directly bother me. i wish i couldn't hear them but there's nothing i can do about that. at least i can cry and no one can see me. when they go to bed, Best Friend will have to walk past me, but i can hide my face when that happens.

i wish i could actually sleep, but that doesn't seem likely to happen until they do. then early start tomorrow and it keeps getting worse from here.

at least i will sleep in here. not share room with sociopath sister. no one really uses this "room" during the day so maybe i can hide in here sometimes if i need to. i feel bad, want to see my dad and grandparents, but i can't handle so much. i just can't.

considering taking half of valium tomorrow when it starts to be too much. maybe the effect will last long enough to take the edge off at least...

I feel your pain. Really. I couldn't stay there. I would've walked to the fast food joint, bought some coffee and sat quietly reading a newspaper or using the computer. If the fast food place isn't safe than I understand. Some of those places are scary at night especially for a single female. I'm extreme, though. I probably would have just walked around the neighbourhood for a few hours. Come to think of it I think I was in a similar situation and did just that. I hate being harassed by loud, obnoxious people.

It was a lot better once I hid in the office. It was also getting late, so they were quieting down a bit as well. This morning I tried to explain a bit to my sister what happened and why, and that I will have to call the office "my room" so I can have a safer place to hide in when I get overloaded. She told me the best friend probably has some valium as well, so if I use mine she can probably give me more. That's a huge relief as well.

Tonight is new year's eve. My sister just tested out one of the noisemakers. Not looking forward to that. At least I remembered to bring my earplugs.

In this area, I wouldn't have felt safe in a fast food joint. Especially after all the others had been going on about how often people get shot around here. Not to mention it would be a half hour walk in the freezing cold to even get there, and I don't have a key to this house. I would have gone for a walk if I had warm enough clothes, but I don't. I ordered some winter boots to be delivered here (I have to wear barefoot-style shoes or my feet hurt for days, so I can't borrow anyone else's). They haven't arrived yet, and my summer shoes are made of mesh on the top. There's a lot of snow on the ground out there. I don't want to add cold to my already overwhelmed senses.

Anyway, thanks for the supportive messages. My abusive mother arrives tomorrow... I'll have the valium ready, I guess.

This place sounds like a war zone or circle of hell.

I wouldn't be surprised if it were both.

I hope you can get things to work out.

Thanks guys. I spent my whole childhood with these people being told there was something horribly wrong with ME, and the way they treated me was something I deserved. It's so easy to fall back into that, feeling like I have no right to stand up for myself or just leave. It's nice to hear from other people that I'm justified in being upset. I'm not asking them to do anything special for me - just leave me alone. But all they do is torment me.

I survived new year's eve mostly with my fingers in my ears. When it hit midnight I had to hide for a few minutes until they all stopped blowing the noise makers. Before that, we were playing a board game. I hate playing board games with them. If it includes any kind of questions of logic, knowledge, or mental skill, I always kick all their asses, and they hate me for being smarter than them, so they punish me. When I get to the end, they make up new rules that mean I can't win, and when I point out that they're not following the rules of the game, they all scream at me until I give up. Then they harass me for the rest of the game about how I suck all the fun out of everything. as*hole Fiancee kept screaming directly into my ears because he knows it bothers me, then whenever anyone talked to him he stuck his fingers in his ears and in a mocking tone said "hey, come on, my poor ears, they're so sensitive." I was glad when, after midnight, everyone went back to their hotels and they let me go to bed.

Now it's morning. My ears still hurt and I have a headache. It's pretty quiet here, but in this house the giant TV is always on playing Fox News in the background, and the sound of it is seriously grating on my nerves. My niece is being a perfect little adorable angel as always, so that's nice. It helps. She loves the Krtek book I brought her and keeps asking me to read it with her, which makes me very happy. But I really want to turn that horrible TV off.

Mother arrives in the afternoon. Still holding on to the valium. Not sure what to do about the ear pain. I need total quiet for a long time to make that go away. Painkillers don't help. But there's no chance of quiet for the next 4-5 days.

Ahhh... Everyone just left the room for a few minutes so I just switched off the TV. Here's hoping no one turns it back on for a while. I will never understand Americans' fear of peace and quiet, why they always feel the need for loud background noise at all times. Heaven forbid someone should have a chance to think for a few minutes.

Jesus... Just as I type this, I can hear the fiancee in the kitchen watching videos on his phone to replace the TV. There is no such thing as peace in this place.

Kostshka, I don't think it's an American thing to have the TV on all the time and be so noisy all the time. I think if it's more of the individual.
I understand that it can be exhausting if you don't have a moment with peace and quiet. So, yes...Your situation seems quite distressing.
You must be very fond of your niece to stand all that.

So, they're clearly abusing you emotionally.

Why didn't your grandmother or someone else of your family invite you to share a room in that hotel? I bet it'd be better to share the space with one person, instead of so many of them.

That really does sound like a crappy situation to say the least. Just some thoughts:

There are over-the-counter meds for stress relief, etc. Maybe get to a pharmacy to check it out. Outtings. If safe try and get out... stores, library, mall, coffee shop, to the movies. If they complain, let them. You are an adult and your own person. Maybe invite someone not totally zonkers from there. Is there any possible alternate place to sleep. That Grandma... its all her fault! (just kidding). Where's she at? Can you stay with her?

Bully-man. Have your own fun not letting him win. He's an ass and be sure you positively ooze distain for him an his childish antics. But if he crosses the line into being physically abusive be sure he knows you will call his co-workers at the police station. Make a game of outlasting him. You are better inside and now is the time to hang in there. Make a secret place where you count the days or hours - little circles to color in, or something like that. Something tangible to make the progress you make. At some point it will be over.

Never visit them again except under careful seperate living arrangement.

Good luck. You can do this!

At the moment I'm outnumbered about 10 to 1. The kitchen is packed full of racist fundamentalist Christian gun nuts who are complaining that the state gun laws restrict their right to actually fire the weapon in most situations. I quote: "By the time the laws allow you to actually shoot the gun at someone, it's already too late." This was followed by a remark about how in some places, if a robber goes into a store and sees that 6 other people in the store are carrying guns, they're less likely to use their own weapon. In my head, I'm screaming that I live in a country where NO ONE has guns, and NO ONE ever gets shot, but if I say that out loud the pack will take me down. It doesn't matter how right you are or how well you can explain your position. 10 to 1 means you lose, that's it. Especially when the 10 are violent, aggressive bullies.

We went to dinner tonight and my grandmother spent the whole evening complaining about how politicians are taking away schools' rights to sing religious Christmas songs. She went on and on about how offended she is that their Christian rights are being taken away (apparently she thinks freedom of religion includes the freedom to force minority religious groups to listen to your religious songs without giving them any opportunity to sing their own). Then she informed me that one of my cousins I haven't heard from in years is currently living in New York with a GIRLFRIEND. (Insert long, meaningful look here.) On the other hand, it turns out she was abused by her paternal grandfather, so she figures that was probably the root of her "sexual confusion." (I'm sure she knows full well that I'm interested in girls, but this doesn't get mentioned.)

as*hole is leaving on Friday, going on a ski trip as his bachelor party, so that will be nice. Actually, he might even be leaving tomorrow. And it turns out my mother has arrived in the state, but is not going to come all the way to this house tonight, so I get a little bit more "peace" (believe me, what I'm dealing with now is nothing compared to her). Tomorrow will be rough, though.

My current strategy is of complete avoidance. No matter what insane, terrifyingly ignorant things these idiots say, I refuse to speak. I do my best to blend into the background and make myself invisible. Today it's working better than yesterday, when they made me join their game then tormented me the whole time. I have learned in my nearly 29 years that there is no correct reaction with these people. Anything I say will be used to hurt me. If I can stay silent, no matter what they do, there's a chance they'll give up and leave me alone.

This sounds like a horrible situation to be in.
You'll be glad to go home to your little cat.
Its a pity you couldn't get the next plane home.

Wheeee. Most of the visitors (dad, grandmother, other such family) just left for the night, leaving me alone with 2 sisters, the best friend, the as*hole fiancee, and his cop buddy. Immediately they began talking about rape and how my sister owes him blow jobs. They're all going to stay up drinking. I think I'll try to sneak away before they get their hands on me.

Sounds like your using the old 'Hide in plain sight' technique. Really, it almost seems like the horrible environment that prison is supposed to be like.

It may be worse, coming from Prague. After living in Europe it is quite a culture shock coming back.