No Soul, No Spark, No Structure (NSFW)

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I really hate failure. I try to avoid it at all costs, even to the point where I deem not trying something less humiliating than trying and not succeeding. I also try not to discuss my perceived failures because I find it too embarrassing, mostly because I expect rejection instead of advice. But since I joined WrongPlanet to get my life in order, I might as well get this off my chest.

I have severe trouble motivating myself to do anything. For starters, I'm trying to study for a test to help me get a license to become a math teacher, but I haven't looked at the online study manual in weeks. I just feel too miserable about myself to think I'll succeed, and the fact that I accomplish nothing all day makes me feel worse about myself, so the cycle repeats. Few things get me out of bed, and none of these things seem to do me any good.

The reason this post is NSFW is because one of the few things that makes me feel less depressed is masturbation. When I wake up in the morning, I usually just rub my junk, sometimes for hours on end, until I wet myself because it feels so good to me. At that point, I get to the nearest sink and try to wash away the fresh stains with soap and water; by then, it's usually way past noon. I’ve pissed on my bed sheets and pajama pants so many times over the past few months. I suspect that my parents don’t know about my deliberate bed-wetting, and since they aren’t exactly ideal parents, I think that’s for the best.

The only other major thing that keeps me moving is the Internet. It gives me the freedom to explore all sorts of websites dedicated to interesting things, some of which I find useful. However, I’m mostly unmotivated to learn how to better myself because I get too frustrated when I perceive that I don’t do something important perfectly all the time; if I’m in a really bad mood, I physically assault myself until I feel that I’ve received enough punishment. I just drown my sorrows in pop culture for hours on end, well into the night, hoping the pain will go away, even though I know that my problems will only get worse if I don’t deal with them. Heck, I even procrastinated with making this post; I was so embarrassed about other people finding out my secret problems that I decided to just look at summaries of fanfictions that I’ve never read until I felt relatively calm again.

I feel that I’m at the end of my rope here. I have little motivation to get started on getting a job because of my crippling fear of failure, I’m not on any medication (because none have helped me in the past), I feel that I have no close personal friends, my family isn’t too supportive, I have no therapist (because therapy has been as useless to me as medication), and self-help books don’t work for me. I doubt my life is heading any place good so, as clichéd as this sounds, I want to commit suicide, so I can be at peace and so my family’s lives can be less complicated. I think that the first step in getting my life in order is getting my day started on the right foot, so I could really appreciate it if you people have any ideas.

You're aware of what you want to correct. This means you will correct it, even if it doesn't happen as quickly as you desire.

In regards to getting up, I found help in getting Philips lamp which is round and creates artificial "sunlight". It ramps up slowly to imitate sunrise, and has a radio that can also go off at a certain time.

Lately however I switched to talk radio. As a person with high sensitivity, prone to existential angst and being too much in my own head, hearing someone talk IN REALTIME about issues important to them, has a grounding effect on me, it synchronizes me with reality.

I use iHeartRadio and Tunein Pro on my phone, and also take it to the shower room and listen to it there because showers are boring and mundane and otherwise my mind would once again go into existential crap. This way it remains distracted.

Distraction is of CRUCIAL importance when you are stuck on negative and self-hating mind-tracks. Eventually, however, you have to start intercepting those thoughts and redirecting them.

One really unpleasant exercise that is very difficult to do... which is why it works... is to write down a list of things you don't like about your current situation. Then after each one, you write their positive side. It feels like pulling teeth, but it works.