'Consequential' depression is interesting...

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So, I'm at the lowest I've ever been, especially with regards to the subject of my avatar (la solitudine), and it's quite a 'spectacle' how fast I'm losing my appetite for everything, including anything regarding personal hygiene.

What's also curious is how *every* little bit of setback... no matter how tiny, is like having a funeral in my mind. This... sometimes, when the occasional positive potential is present (in the narrative of my life), is also what often irrationally boosts my levels of hope... only to have them shot down mercilessly a few days later of course, as is often the case (heh, managed to get in contact with a manager of one of the programmes I uselessly hoped would revive me, recently, in the hope that he could do something about the personal grudge the local provider's organizer seems to be rejecting me for, but instead merely came back to me (after supposedly investigating it) saying that he won't be able to do anything because there being a lack of places is the ultimate valid excuse for the organizer... and as such my potential future is f****d because of the ego of a single individual, but nevermind...)

So, yeah, I don't think my 'depression' is for no reason (i.e. 'clinical')... but I just wanted to point out how almost interesting it is (if it wasn't my life I'm living, but a scientific observer, say) that the worse things get the more one changes subjectively... and the more it seems I feel as if I'm merely existing, not living.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I go through spells like this myself. I feel as though it's me against the world, I tune out of everything. I feel very hollow.

Is there any kind of activity you used to take pleasure in? Or do take pleasure in? Anything that can take your mind off everything that's going wrong?

It's nothing you can snap out of, but maybe something that can help you look through the fog a little more clearly.


--Steve

Oh, I do watch movies and experiment with substances, the latter of which often lifts my subjective 'fog'... except seeing my life in full clarity isn't something to delight in, I suppose (this is, need I emphasize, certainly nothing clinical - if anyone's life is too empty they are most likely to get naturally depressed - so this isn't a 'spell', really... I mean, it wish it was (then it would be like a dream, a nightmare from which I could soon wake up)... but, as far as I can tell with these unfortunately limited senses of mine, it is indeed my objective life, and... yes, it's ever so 'slightly' frightening).

Sounds like you're conflicted whether you're in a fog or not. You don't deserve to be this way. The question is, how to find satisfaction. Maybe clarity is what you need, but you just need to see something good. Perhaps getting away from your routine can help some.

Routine is the last thing I have. I sleep whenever, eat whenever... I've only lately begun trying to watch at least a film a day, but I watch it whenever too. And, sure, lack of routine may be my problem (as that's what people on the spectrum specially favour), but that's the emptiness inherent in my life... right now I literally have nothing else except what I detailed above. I tried to apply to this comprehensive course - twice, which I think is indicative of my trying to get out of this abyss - but, of course, everything and everyone rejects me, as detailed in my other threads (no, really, everyone and everything and I'm not exaggerating).

But yeah, I can still theoretically enjoy video games, if only I can get into them again, despite the natural depression... right?

Yeah, you can still enjoy. The key is to have more positive moments than negative ones, and if if the games can provide positive moments, it may be helpful in the long run.