I seriously do not want to live.

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This weelend has been booze, junk food, wasted time on the Internet, lots of nonstop crying, lots of hating my life.

I promised my boss that a project would get started this weekend. Now I am going to have to tell her that I am a worthless liar.

I am turning 35 in less than two weeks. I have nothing but my own stupidity and a long list of unfulfilled dreams to show for it. When I was a young boy, I thought I would be financially stable by now. I thought my brains might take me somewhere in my life. I am nowhere currently. My existence has no meaning whatsoever.

I do not want to wake up tomorrow. God has no sense of mercy. If he did, I would not have been born to begin with. I am essentially a survived miscarriage, after all.

I want to sleep, and drift away peacefully.

Well, tomorrow will be another meaningless day.

Lately I've been averaging about 18 hours/day of sleep. My goal is to reach 24 hours/day of sleep. The problem is my cat wakes me up at the most inopportune moments to come in or go out or I have to use the bathroom. It scares me being so deeply depressed because, like in 1992, I went ahead and called the whole show off - 48 sleeping pills washed down with beer with cocaine already in my system from the night before. I'm so self-destructive it's not funny. What can I say? I only just wish you luck that you don't try suicide because we're all going to die anyway, so have a little fun while you're here.

I'm sorry to hear about that. I am about to turn 30 and have had similar thoughts lately. This too shall pass.

My first thought on reading this?

"Let's organise a suicide pact."

Of course, that's illegal in most jurisdictions, so I'm not going to suggest it.

I have a lot of sympathy with the OP. I've had enough of being aspie-shamed for not being able to make "proper" eye contact or follow conversation flow, and so be "creepy". I've had enough of being marginalised for being different. I've had enough of the depression and anxiety that follow it. I've had enough of the stigma and scapegoating for society's failures that follow that. Like the OP, I want it all to stop.

I don't understand exactly where you are, KagamineLen, but I see your pain.

I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning. I am completely devoid of motivation, however. I look at my life, and I see an endless string of broken dreams.

I am thinking of calling in sick, and buying a bottle of whiskey.

I see the temptation but, while alcohol dulls the pain on a temporary basis, it does nothing but make things worse in the long run. The booze is slow suicide, possibly via a doorway.

My suggestion: get a shower, get breakfast (a solid one!), go to work and think about finding some viable dreams. If you have a good enough job that enables you to save some money, that might help. I'm not saying there is a way out - just that alcohol isn't it.

What sort of dreams do you have?

My dreams involve having my writing skills take me places in the professional world.

Another one of my dreams is having my hobby website take off and become somewhat popular. That will require me to be able to add new content to it daily. Which I have been failing to do.

Yet another one of my dreams is actually finishing and having a full achievement percentage of the 200+ games I own for my 360 by the end of this year. It is a silly dream, and the whole point behind it is to impress hundreds of people that I will never actually meet.

Not being able to accomplish any one of these goals means that I fail at all of them. That is how my mind is working currently.

Now that I actually have employment where my writing can take me places, I am finding myself shutting down and disintegrating completely. I strive for success, but I am deathly afraid of it.

I don't have much in my kitchen that can give me a solid breakfast. In any case, I did call in sick already to buy myself a bit more time. I think I am going to spend today working on the project that I said I would have finished this morning. I think I will go out and buy a plate of potato pancakes, along with a couple of sausage links and some black coffee, then get back home and get to work. That may not be a much wiser investment than a fifth of Maker's Mark, but at least it's not quite as self-destructive.

I also think I am going to have to try to arrange an emergency appointment with my psychiatric RN practitioner.

When I was a young boy, I dreamed that I would have a house, a happy marriage, financial stability, and a name for myself by now. Instead, I am living off SSDI, with a job that gives me 15 hours a week at minimum wage, no love life to speak of, and none of my writing has taken me anywhere to date. I have a past that has been tainted with addiction, autistic social awkwardness, and severe PTSD episodes related to the abuse I went through as a child. This is not where I dreamed I would be at. Not even f*****g close.

I would kill for a writing job that I could actually hold down. I have pretty much fallen apart, and I'm also considering suicide. My suggestion would be to ditch the game ambition as essentially meaningless, and try to cling on to the job that might actually take the writing somewhere, so I suggest this is the last time you call in sick.

I currently have tens of thousands of words going nowhere, and I'm not proud of it.

Can you work on the stuff you would otherwise have done at work while at home?

If so, perhaps this is the most constructive use of your time (avoid going near the 360!).

I can work on most of the stuff that I would have otherwise done at the office from home today. That is what I will be doing.

The temptation of the 360 pales in comparison to hanging around this forum. And to wasting time on Facebook. And to clicking the "replay" button repeatedly on my favorite songs on YouTube. I can find a billion ways to waste time, and I have to avoid all of them today.

I can relate to that.

No further responses for 8 hours,

I actually got a solid start on the work I was supposed to get done today.

Granted, after talking with my boss a little today, it became clear to me that the impression she got was that I was promising her an empire when I only had the means to build a village. I really was creating grandiose goals. I do that often. I set the finish line on the other side of the planet, and I feel good about the goal I set, but when it comes time to actually start walking, I get overwhelmed and I freeze up.

My 12-step sponsor did put some things in perspective for me. Mainly, that he wished I started taking the path of recovery when he was my age, and that I potentially have the capability to be sober in the program 30 years before he even knew this program existed.

I dunno. It is kind of embarrassing when I spiral downwards and get into my personal swamp of self-loathing. I tend to reach out for help here, where it's anonymous, before I reach out to the people in my life who really want to help. A couple of my friends expressed that sentiment to me today. It's rather..... awkward for me.

I'll get back to work after I finish cooking and eating my dinner.

Sounds like progress.

I'm really only in a position to give encouragement, but keep at it. You promised an empire, you think you only have the means to provide a village, but maybe by the end of the day you'll have the beginnings of a town.

You can worry about metaphorically subjugating Gaul later, but you can't do that on the booze.

It sounds like you do have friends who care, though. Don't push them away.

I don't want you to die. I would miss you.

dont give up