Need Help with my Autism

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I'm posting this because I'm out of options and don't know where to go for help; there's no counselors I know of that are familiar with autism.

People are my drug. I was diagnosed with aspergers as a small boy (like 4) and was loved by both my parents, and my family. However, bullying and stigmatization began to set in since I was in Kindergarten. Ever since I was a small boy, I knew something was off about me, and when other kids began to tease or bully me, I began to realize that was a bad thing.

Several traumatic incidents occurred that made me deathly afraid of people and desperate to fit in as a defense mechanism. I began acting out and being hyperactive even to this day to cope with the stress and fear of social situations. This has become an all-consuming need; I now daydream about being popular or getting revenge at people who ignore me.

I used to be suicidal and went through a form of addiction (I don't want to say here) in the past. I am sober and happier now but realize people can really stay "stuck" in life for decades or until they die. The other thing I learned was that addictions, they have 12-step plans, online resources and everything. Me, I'm by myself, suffering by myself, not knowing who to trust.

The group I primarily hang with are very cliquey and like to gossip. I haven't told a soul that I'm autistic, because, well, I don't want to be beat up like I was when I was in fourth grade.

It's 1:31 tonight. I meant on posting this an hour or two ago but I waste time and procrastinate for I don't know why. I need to vent, but I'm on this self-destructive spiral and I don't even know how to approach it. It's not life and death like it was before, but now there's no options.

I feel God has all the answers and is just yanking them away from me like he doesn't care at all. What do I have to do to get his attention?

I'm a 68 year old, married, male, aspie, with a 30 year old daughter and two grandkids, age 5 and 6; and I retired at 65 from a 50 year professional engineering career, helping to improve the wellbeing of billions of people around the globe. I began voluntary coaching and counselling other aspies such as myself after I was diagnosed and treated at age 49 following a severe nervous breakdown at my office that needed psychiatric intervention.

I was diagnosed and treated by hypnotic regression analysis and therapy because my breakdown was caused by a cousin poking around in my head and causing me bizarre flashbacks of infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood to about 44-5, because I'd contracted progressive retrograde, anterograde, psychogenic and dissociative amnesias when my thyroid packed in at about 34-5; and I'd had a head injury at 15 that had given me the same type of multiple amnesias package.

The reason that I began coaching and counselling was that my diagnosis and treatment had a remarkable effect on my work performance, such that I could move mountains bigger than Everest, whereas I was hard pushed to move anything larger than Snowden before, metaphorically speaking; and word of this got around within my profession, and my boss requested that I teach others how to do it. Initially I used a closed internet chat system, but changed to mIRC in about 1997, then Yahoo Chat from 2001 to 2005 when I packed it in because I became the target of hacking and invasion of privacy.

On my retirement in 2010, I began touching base with my past using self-hypnosis aided regression analysis and masses of reading, studying and research to find corroborative evidence to support what I was discovering about myself; and wrote and published six autobiographical books about my life of autism and asperger's syndrome in 2013, the final one being Dafydd Bach: Death of Evidence: The Compendium by David Adrian Thomas Esq MCIHT, which is exclusively available from Amazon Prime Kindle Select eBook Store and Free Lending Library.

It tells a bizarre tale of a bred bloodline of savants, over one thousand daily joint out of body visits to heaven, over two hundred and fifty self-induced near death comas for the same purpose but solo flights. six suicide attempts, two or maybe three self induced multiple amnesias (two mentioned above), isolation of me at school and eventually murderous violence towards me that cracked my skull at fifteen necessitating 15 years professional retraining. But I had a fabulously fulfilling career, so I'm not complaining.

Email me on [email protected] if you think I can help.