Don't want to associate myself with my cousins any more

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Sorry to keep posting in the Haven. I am going through a very tough time in my life at the moment, with severe depression being the main cause of it all. (I am seeing the doctor next week to get myself on meds. If meds don't help, then I guess it's suicide).

But, until then, I am feeling very down, and seeing or even thinking about my cousins makes me feel a lot worse. They are all NTs, because that's the unfair way it is, I'm the unlucky one and they're all luckier than me. And yes, there is no irony either - it's the same scenario; they're all out and about with friends and have an easier time making friends and most of them have boy/girlfriends too. I don't, because I have Asperger's. Always the same.

My 18-year-old cousin has a girlfriend who lives in another country but he goes over to see her a lot, and this month she will be coming over here, and we've all got to meet her. Yeah, good for him that he's finally found love and seems to be slowly but surely becoming committed. I don't want to see him any more or meet her. I know it sounds mean but I have become very bitter because I hate being trapped with Asperger's. I'm older than most of my cousins and I feel I should be out and about with a boyfriend or being included in a group of friends. Instead all I get is married men after me, or I unintentionally go after married men then get disappointed when I find out they're married. And my peers don't really like me that much at work because I'm quiet, so I feel even more left out, even though I always act cheerful and try to join in.
I have tried to join clubs or social groups before but didn't make friends out of it really. I joined a fitness club a few years ago so I could get a chance to mix with other people, but nobody really spoke to me much so I quit. Then last year I forced myself to go to a social group thing once a week, where other lonely people went to mix with people, but I didn't seem to make friends there either. There was a couple of narcissist type of people there who were loud and droned on and on about themselves, and quiet people like me just sat there and listened and couldn't get a word in edgeways. There was a couple of snobby people there too who didn't really speak to me or anyone else. So I soon quit that too because I felt like it was wasting my time.

So it's not like I'm not trying or haven't tried. I have forced myself to do a lot of things, and I make an effort with my appearance too so I look presentable, but still nothing. I don't even get a friendly smile from people in the street when I smile at them.

I feel like the whole world is against me. I feel so alone and isolated, while everyone else around me are gaining more confidence and having a good time, and things seem to be falling into their lap, while I've got to make loads of effort and still feel like my life is the same as it was 10 years ago. Sorry to gabble on there but I just don't know what to do any more.

Joe, I've been feeling the same way. My sister who is even more shy than me is getting married in a few months and it's made me feel sad lately. I have two friends and one friend is married and my other friend is in a serious relationship. But when I thought about this logically, I discovered that I wouldn't be happy in a relationship right now. I appreciate my freedom and my privacy a lot.

Have you thought about the pressures of a relationship/friendship? I do. They are a lot of work. You have to hold up your side of it all by being a confidant and also be a fun person. You have to get together with them regularly and do things that you may hate doing (like going on roller coasters with them because they like it). There are many expectations in relationships that I surely have trouble fulfilling and ultimately I feel like a bad friend.

I went to the singles night one time near me, only to find that I was the only singleton. It completely confused me. I didn't bother going again.

It wasn't my scene anyway.

I hope the doctor can help you Joe.

I hope you get the help that you need and deserve.

Just stay away from the cousins if they make you feel bad.
Seeing a doctor for the depression is a good idea. I hope they help.

That's what I want. I want to be going out and about with someone. But I want a man with money, and usually men with money do work, so if he works (especially full time) then he won't be there in my pocket all the time anyway. I wouldn't mind being smothered if it were a man I really, really liked. It would give me the opportunity to go and explore different places, and maybe even be took on holidays. If I was with a man who loved me that much, he would most probably be willing to do lots of different things with me (as it seems to happen with everybody else I know who's in love). Sure it might not last, but it's still nice to have some experiences shared with somebody else. It might bring me out of my shell a bit. I don't like being lonely. I want to do things outside of my family and I want to make my family feel proud of me, instead of just always sitting alone in my room while everyone else my age are out there doing things.

And I love rollercoasters and other theme park rides. I would love to be invited to a day out with some friends or something to a theme park. And I love cinemas but I don't have much of a choice of people to go with (and I am not going to the cinema on my own). Also there's so much more to do when you've got people to do things with. I know other Aspies prefer to be alone but I'm not like them. I want to be with people.

I once had a boyfriend that took me out of my shell and spent lots of money on me. Unfortunately though, he put me back in my shell by cheating on me with a really really horrendously sloppy ugly woman who I thought was a man when I first saw her. Broke my heart and I went into deep depression. When I look back on it, do I think it was worth it? Not at all. It just reminded me why I was always fearful of getting close to people. BUT every situation is different. I think it's really great that you're willing to go out and be adventurous. If I was a man, I'd totally date you by the way. I've read some of your posts and you seem like a really nice person. I hope you meet someone and I hope he treats you right.

Also one of my cousins is getting married this summer, and we've all got to go. I was getting excited before, and was planning on wearing a dress (and I haven't worn a dress in years). But now that my depression has gotten worse, I am having doubts about going. I just don't want to turn up. All my cousins all have boy/girlfriends now, even the one that didn't want a relationship and was also bi-curious (he said this a few months ago) has suddenly got himself a girlfriend and is seeing her a lot now. And my mum said that weddings are places where people bring their partners to even if their partners are uninvited, so I'm just going to be sitting there feeling even more lonely. The last time I had a get-together with these cousins (they are on my dad's side), I just sat there quietly and none of them really spoke to me. One of them was just wrapped up in her boyfriend, and other one (who I spent a lot of time with during childhood) didn't speak because he knows how quiet I am and seems to think he's an extrovert - even though he has always been quieter than me. And the other one spoke to me a little, but that's only because I made the effort to speak to her. So why should I go to this wedding if they don't even know me any more? My non-existence won't even be noticed.

I fancy this guy at work, but I have a feeling that he's married, because I always end up being attracted to married guys. I haven't spoken to him really because he's Polish and doesn't know hardly any English, but if I knew he wasn't married I would love to date him and I will be willing to teach him English. I'm not a very good teacher but I'm sure he will pick it up if he spends his time with an English person long enough. But I have a horrible feeling that he's married or has a girlfriend, because most Polish people come over here with their families or have families back home. Chances of him being single and come over here with his parents are very slim. I would look great with him. He looks in his 20s, maybe 30s, which is not bad. He is quiet, even with the other Polish guys at work. He speaks to them in Polish, but I can still tell he seems like a quiet, gentle kind of guy. I would love to have him. But, as usual, he is most probably married. And I don't want a married man. I have a married man after me at the moment. He used to drive my bus, but has another job now. I ended up getting his number, but then I found out on Facebook that he was married. He keeps telling me that he is still only living with her until he finds a better-paid job where he can move out, but I don't know whether to believe him or not. He could still be saying that 5 years later. I'm hoping it is true, as my own parents are only living together for financial reasons but have both separated and are both available otherwise. So there could be a possibility. When I tell people about that, all I get is a short, concise answer ''come away from him''. But it's not that simple. I'm not with him, but I am in contact with him and hoping he might come away. Yes, that is how desperate I am to get out of this f*****g loneliness and actually get to be a person.

Sorry if I am waffling on, you don't have to read this if you don't want. I'm crying again now so I'm going to go to bed early and put a film on. At the moment the characters in my films are all I have.

I know you and I have had words before, but I do mean this sincerely. I have seen you complain about not having a bf for a while now, and I've also read many of your other posts and I think you seem like a nice girl and don't know what's wrong with the boys around you if they won't go out with you. In my view, you are worth four or five of those other girls, and if the boys there don't see it yet, then it's their loss. Please don't be so hard on yourself. They are the ones who have the problem, not you. ((hugs))

^^^

Well, it would be a lot easier to find a boyfriend if every man I knew wasn't already married to someone. Other people seem to come across a single man, where as every man I come across are married.

I just know that if I had a boyfriend - or just a small group of friends that accept me - I will most probably be less anxious. Being lonely means you focus more on the small details on every aspect of life. If I had more people around my age to see and do things with, I would be more occupied, instead of spending my time outside of work sitting alone thinking all the time.

I see from your signature that you are 23.

I just want to tell you that as a 29 year female with Asperger's, life does get better. 6 years ago, I felt very much the way you did. Everyone around me was finding love, getting married, even having babies and I was attracting the wrong people, (I also had just gotten out of a bad relationship 2 years prior where I was certain he was the guy for me) and I was convinced that I just wasn't relationship material.

I can't go back in time to tell myself this, but I can tell you: Focus on taking care of yourself and the things that make you happy, and happiness will find you. I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but I promise it's true. Also from what I've seen and experienced, guys change quite a bit from their early 20s to their early 30s. Most don't really want long term relationships and all they entail until they reach their late 20s/early 30s, even later. Really, it's not you; it's them.

You need to find a way to make yourself happy on your own, or else your unhappiness will be magnified when you do enter a relationship and you still feel unhappy. I hope that doesn't come off as harsh or anything- I just wish someone had told me that when I was younger. It would have saved me from a lot of heartbreak and issues when I finally did get into a longterm relationship.

The other thing I wanted to say too is that the whole "marriage rush" where everyone you know seems to suddenly have gotten engaged seems to happen all at once and while it can be very lonely, awkward and alienating for someone who is single, it passes just as quickly. Out of 7 weddings I attended in the span of 2 years (3-4 years ago), 2 couples are now divorced and one is separated. I feel terrible for them of course, but seeing that puts things in perspective and goes to show that love doesn't always equal happiness, which is why it is so important to be happy for yourself and on your own first.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you're welcome to message me.

Thank you for this. I do feel like I am going through a temporary phase with depression. I've been feeling depressed on and off since I was about 11, about not having many friends, but now I feel worse than I ever did. Now when I remember past experiences I had with being lonely or rejected it just feeds the depression, and so I have to try not to think about it. I just hope my mindset changes as I get a bit older, like you.



I find young men like to look for something specific in girls, where as when they get older (past 30 at least, some a bit later), they look more for personality and inner beauty, not just charisma and looks. Not saying that I'm ugly, but I'm not the sort for wearing lots of make-up and I've never been into having a fancy hairstyle, so I do look a bit plain. I do wear stylish clothes though, and I am slim.



I do try to do things on my own that make me happy. But it is nice to do these things with another person. Like today I went to a town that's further along the bus route that I normally get (almost 2 hours away from my hometown). I love travelling on buses, because it makes me feel relaxed, especially when I can sit there and have my MP3 with me to listen to. I love the route as well; it went through lovely countrysides, and it made me realise how beautiful life can be. Then I wondered around the big town that I went to, although it was very busy with a lot of obnoxious teenagers about, and other people (mostly women) kept on gawping at me as they passed, which made me feel a little uneasy and self-conscious, and I did wish I was walking around with a friend. It did feel a bit daunting on my own, especially when I almost got myself lost a couple of times. I did find my way back to the bus stop eventually, and got home safely.



My mum did tell my cousin (the teenage one who seems to be in love with his first girlfriend) that I am feeling a bit down and depressed because of my desperation for a boyfriend and seeing everyone else happy around me. I wasn't there when she said it to him, so I don't know what he said exactly. But now I feel awkward. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that he knows about my feelings. I know that he is a nice, easygoing boy, he is not like most typical teenagers, plus he did get depressed himself a couple of years ago before he met this girl, because he didn't have a girlfriend and all his mates did. So hopefully he will know what I'm going through and not take it personally against him.



Thank you, and thanks for your post. It has made me feel better, and more hopeful too.