I was going through I good period and was getting excited for the spring semester, but now it's all just BS again. Just when I was beginning to reconnect with an old friend whom I have an infatuation with, but my phone stops working. I thought I was going to be taking three classes and get my GED done and out of the way by next year, now I'm only taking one class and at this rate I wont have my GE done for maybe the next three years. Speaking of school I've already missed an unacceptable amount of time and my teacher may drop me! Hooray I'm f****d no matter what I do!
I'm starting get lazier and more uninterested, I can interact with people still, but man everyone who thinks their above me just wants to f**k me and all the other people they consider lesser in this nation! Every time I see someone at school I don't talk to them randomly; if I get I good look at them I start to judge them, think about how much they conform and want to be like everyone else, all those battles they're fighting, and how because of their decisions to conform they are losings those battles. I'm not winning either though, not when suicide keeps entering the mind and I keep putting everything important in life off.
I just want to leave, get out of SLO county, and Cambria especially. Not that it's a bad area around here it's just that everyone is in your f*****g business! I want to move to a land that's different, where people are accepting and they always have work that needs to be done. I guess a place like that only exists in a dream.
How do they do it you think? Get up everyday put on the same clothes, go to the same job, eat the same food, and not think what they are doing is insanity. i hope for drastic change and revolution every day of my life, whether it's something as simple as finding the right girl or as extreme as getting crippled. I mean when I first saw LA the size of that city shocked me, nowhere did it end it just went on forever, it was greedy and hungry, and it fed on the lives of the people who lived there, it's like that with every city. It's order that's killing me, I don't believe in infinity; we begin and we end, we live and we die. And I want to end, not like this, though it will probably end like this, in sadness, and in loathing.
Imagine showing up at the pearly gates just 20 years old.
St. Peter: "Hello, and welcome to Heaven."
Me:"Um, Hello? So I am really dead then."
St. Peter:"I'm afraid so and your name is?"
Me: "[Frankie]"
St. Peter: "mmm...mhmmm.... sorry not seeing it? How did you die again?"
Me: "Plane crash. Well you see it was a cargo plane hijacked by terrorists and it was being flown by the Incredible Hulk."
St. Peter: "Oh my that must've been quite the event."
Me: "Well if you're gonna take yourself out eh?"
St. Peter: "You mean it was a suicide?"
Me: "Yeah."
St. Peter: "Well I'll have to check with the big man to see if you can still get in." (pick up phone) "Yes sir it's Peter, we have a suicide on our hands how should I deal with it... uh-huh... okay... I'll let him know right away. (hangs up phone) Good news since the big chief is always feeling generous he has decided to let you in despite taking your own life."
Me: "Well that's terrific- uh say there any rules with the uh women around here."
St. Peter: "So long as you are always kind to others there is nothing that isn't allowed here."
Me: "But what abou-?"
St. Peter: "It's often better not to ask questions, and leave some mysteries to those qualified to create them."
Me: "I see."
Then I'd be up in heaven, having a philosophical talk with Scorates, discussing quantum physics with Einstein, and of course jamming out with Jimi Hendrix. But I guess I can keep on going a little longer.
06 Feb 2014, 4:28 pm
