I feel so sad today...and I just want to feel safe

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I feel so sad. Today is President's Day and I have a ton of work to do. My boss decided today was not a working day at the last minute this morning and I am not prepared for that. I'm tired of dealing with the lack of consistency at my workplace and I'm super frustrated. I just feel like I'm losing it. I had a dream last night about my first boyfriend and in the dream he had just had a baby with a friend of mine from high school and I was visiting them. The jealousy and confusion was really intense in the dream. I guess I'm still feeling it and wondering if I should never have left him. None of that actually happened, by the way, it was just in the dream. Jeez... I know it's bad though when I start to go into the past and think about things that can't be changed and consider what life would be like if I had done them differently. This is depression. I hate it and I feel terrible and I resent my boss and my workplace enough that I'm not doing the work I need to do either. I also took on this side project for a non-profit and I'm not working on that. I just keep beating myself up about this stuff. I just wish I wasn't so alone. I think that's the worst thing, that humans are not connected to each other enough to really share in each other's pain.
I have a group therapy group I go to on Mondays and it's cancelled tonight because of President's Day and I'm pissed about that too. I just feel like I need the support and the socialization and I can't get it anywhere else. Everything is cancelled for President's Day. Aahhh... why do I feel this way, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I realize all these things are not really the issue actually. The issue is that I feel like crap. My body is tense and I feel on the verge of crying and it's this sense that I'm helpless and hopeless and I need someone to save me but no one is coming to save me. My therapist calls it abandonment depression. I guess it really is. I just wish it would go away and never return. I wish I didn't have to go back and think about my parents every time. It's always accompanied by these persistent thoughts: "I just want to feel safe" "I just want to go home" "Something is wrong!" and "I want someone to hold me" The problem is that I am reasonably safe, I am home (my apartment), nothing is clearly wrong, except maybe frustrating things like a bad boss, and...well there isn't anyone to hold me, but I should be fine being alone. I would love to have a relationship, but I am still getting over an ex and I want to feel sufficient alone. I don't want to have a relationship and need it so bad that I'll accept abuse just to keep it. That's what I've been doing lately... I think it's worse to have someone who won't hold you than being alone and having no one to hold you.
I want to feel better. I really really want to feel better. I would love it if someone could post on here and tell me that I'm not alone.

Your not alone
((((Hugs))))

I get that feeling of needing to feel safe too. I usually put the heating up and get cosy under a blanket where it's nice and warm.

Thank you

I read your post too. (((((Hugs)))))

You're not alone. You have company right here on Wrong Planet. We may not be able to see or touch each other, but it's still good to know that there's someone there for you.

I'm a good listener if nothing else, and almost impossible to freak out or frustrate. So if it would help you just to talk to someone like me, I'd be happy to.
Try to take good care of yourself.

I understand the need to be held. It's the best thing when feeling off kilter and askew. I've known the feeling of wanting someone to swoop in and "save me" but I squelch/dismiss it when I recognize it. It serves no good purpose.

I'm not so good with the reassurances, but I've been there for most of what you describe actually. With me it becomes a battle between feeling protected and safe vs relishing my independence and taking the personal responsibility that it requires.

Hope you feel better...

...But then it would have abandoned you & you'd be depressed all over again...

Seriously though, I hope you feel better today and know that WP, and those of us here, are there for you if you need us. *hugs*