Feel bad if I do, feel bad if I don't

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Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been on here for a while. Real life has been kicking my butt, but I have a problem that I need you all's advice on.

About a month ago, my grandpa passed away after being in failing health for years (he also had dementia). Following his wishes, he was cremated and my grandma brought his ashes back to the home they've lived in since they got married 65 + years ago. He also stated that if we all wanted to, we could hold a small memorial service for him and left instructions on how he wanted everything to go if we did have a service, including some songs that he wanted some of his and my grandma's old friends to sing. At first, everyone in the family agreed that since we are all scattered around the country and some of the friends who he wanted to be a part of the service couldn't make it because of other commitments or they are simply too old to travel, we would simply get together as a family at either on the 4th of July or Thanksgiving (when we usually get together) and remember him and have everyone take a little bit of his ashes (everyone has bought either an urn to keep their portion in or, like me, my mom, my brother, and my aunt, a necklace that has a small bottle on it so that a small part of him can always be with us).

Well, tonight my aunt and cousin called everyone except us (there's a long story behind why that I am not going to get into here, the only reason we know about this is because one of my other cousins called my mom and told her) and said that they were planing a memorial service one month from now and from the way they are describing it, they have no plans of following my grandpa's wishes. They have also decided to hold this service on the same day as the party that is going to be held for my uncle's retirement from the state highway patrol AND have decided that it would be best for my grandma if my grandpa's ashes weren't spilt among our family (keep in the mind this is coming the day after my grandma called everyone and asked whether they wanted their portion of the ashes mailed to them or if they would come and get it in person).

*Breaths heavily*

Okay, now that I'm done ranting.

What I need advice is whether or not I should attend the funeral and before you all jumped to conclusions about this, here me out. There are a couple of reasons why I am asking this.

First, me, my mom, and my brother run a home care business out of state and one of us has to stay and run it since we are the only ones who know how to (with the exception of our caregivers, we are the only employees). My mother obviously can't stay and my brother really wants to go, so that leaves only me to stay and run things (my mom has told me that if I really want to go, we can try to make other arrangements for the business).

Second, I don't handle funerals really well. I've only been to three in my lifetime (two for family members, one for a friend from high school) and at each one, I've had panic attacks. The first one I went to was for my other grandpa and the attack was so bad, my mom had to take me out of the room and I missed the rest of the funeral. The other two were smaller than the first, but I was still barely able to get through the services.

So what do you all think I should do? I loved my grandpa so much and I do want to get the chance to say goodbye to him, but I don't think I'll be able to get through the service.

Help me out here!

Please and thank you!

Funeral rituals are stupid and weird, the last thing any grieving person needs is conflict with the living. From my own experience and the anecdotes of others, funerals can suck just because family are present.

I wish there was some simple one-size-fits-all advice, but there probably isn't.

There was an argument between my late father's estranged wife and his kids - my sisters and I, about the way in which his ashes were dealt with. There wasn't a Will or final wishes, and at one point it felt like the Old Man was posthumously being held hostage. This was a very, very upsetting experience. Fortunately, the argument was resolved in our favour, and we've all (us kids, anyway) had our chance to get together and have our own private memorials. I in particular approached a tattooist and asked if I could mix human remains with ink (agreed), my eldest sister used a little of him to make a piece of jewellery, and the youngest has kept her portion of dust.

None of us, have spoken to estranged mother / stepmother since, the rift has had a profound effect on my youngest sister, deprived of her mother so shortly after the funeral. Very sad.

Are your relatives open to discussing what happens with the ashes? Good luck, by the way. Try and keep your chin up.

Go anyways. Be there for others. Things like that are not about you. It is difficult for anyone who has feelings. Don't be afraid because you don't know how to use them. Believe it or not, having a panic attack is normal for you. There were times when I thought I would never stop crying. After some really bad incidences, now I just feel numb. Almost like my feelings have left me. Maybe I just understand, or am in denial, I don't know. People do these things because they believe they need closure, or they believe whatever they want. Personally, I think dividing up his ashes and giving them to different family members is a little creepy. It is illegal, but most people I know who get creamated want to get put in their favorite places, because it is where they want to be. I would rather put everything of mine in a raffle, forget about my past, and posessions, and move on, if there is such a thing. Don't really care what happens to my empty vessel of mostly water when I am gone.

Do you think you'll regret it if you don't go If one of the main reasons you don't want to go is because your worried about having a panic attack you could try taking a benzodiazepine like Klonpin or Xanax before you get there & maybe again during the service.