I need help...

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I'm having a meltdown again.
So I decided to stay at my mom's place because I can't stand living on my own(because noone f*****g comes to visit me). But of course, its only a matter of time before the hag gets on my nerves(She did, again).
I'm currently under child care(because of adolescent drug abuse), and they provide me with my own apartment for a set period of time(they pay the rent and pay food for me). So things went wrong back at my mothers place. I am still going to school even though I should've been done last year(drugs f****d my life so I need to go a year extra). The problem is: If I have a meltdown and am away from school, three persons take turns to interrogate me about why I was not at school. First, the person from child care who has the responsibility of checking if everything is okay with me, second my mother, and third my ex-girlfriend who supposedly still "cares" for me.

Of course I'm going to get exhausted having to explain why I wasn't at school three f*****g times to three f*****g persons. And that's why I'm sitting here drunk now typing(yes I'm drunk so excuse the excessive swearing).
I'm typing this to sparkle attention. Are there others like me who feel all overwhelmed sometimes? (No... ALL THE TIME!).
I told my mother today that she has to take some precautions with me. I am not as resistant to stress as the average Joe because I suffer from ASD, and a constant depression/anxiety/fatigue resulting from drug abuse.
I am so tired. I want to hide somewhere, but I'm always haunted by the fact that I have to get an education. And to have an eductation I have to go to school. And when going to school I can't hide. I am vulnerable when going to school because I'm around other people.
They can attack me because I have ASD. ASD makes me different, and vulnerable. All these combined factors(ASD, depression, anxiety, etc...) make it impossible to go to school.
But If I stay at home people call to ask why I am not at school.

I feel like a f*****g prey animal because I don't dare going to school, and I can't isolate myself to regain myself either.



If anyone is in a similar situation(can relate to this) or have any advice, PLEASE reply to this post.

I'm with you.

I don't know how old you are (I'm 33) but I'm sure things like this span all generations. When I was younger, I couldn't as much as sigh without my mother freaking out, asking me all kinds of questions about my general state of mind. It drove me crazy, and there was no where to go, because anybody I try to confide in about my anxiety would only start asking more questions and offering unsolicited advice (which was the cause of the anxiety in the first place!) I basically try to "tune them out" so that their words are only sounds, similar to background noise you hear out on the street. I appreciate their concern, but I wish people would think of what I need, rather than what they THINK I need. It's just something I've endured, and chalked up to the differences between me and many other people.

As for school, again it took a while to get the hang of it. High school was a mess for me, it took six years, and I graduated only because I had a teacher who didn't want to be the one who prevented me from graduating by giving me a failing grade. I too, fell into the substance crowd, smoking and sniffing things I had no business being around. It was comforting because junkies aren't very judgemental, so I felt like I had friends. Friends who would slowly kill me, or send me to jail.

A funny thing happened as I got older, and more self-aware. I started meditating, and was able to discover a certain peace within myself. I enrolled in college at the age of 29, and I'll be graduating next year. And get this--I haven't had anything less than a B+ in any class. I'll graduate with highest honors, and have worked full-time while doing it. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and sometimes I'm crying from the stress, and overwhelming aspect of it all, but I reserve the tears for the drive home.

There's nothing anyone can do from the other end of a computer to help you out a whole lot, but the only thing I can say is that I've been there, and I know it can be overcome. IT takes time to get to understand yourself, and to be able to block out others. And it's not often possible to do it, so don't worry about trying to keep it all together. Find a release, whether it's crying in the car, bicycle riding, or staring at the ceiling, it can be done.

You're not alone.

I didn't imagine recieving any replies to this because my post was (in my opinion at least) very extreme to what most aspies experience.
But seeing that someone else have experienced the very same AND SURVIVED IT, gives me some hope to continue this meaningless life in search of a meaning. Everybody speaks about finding that one thing that makes you hang in there (makes you keep living). And I know that it's all about finding that one thing.
That one thing for me is the expressive side of music. When I can stand tall on a scene and express my very heart through improvised music I feel that I am alive and breathing. When I can let all the pain out through my guitar solos on stage I feel a sense of relief which can last for as long as a week!
Some people visit shrinks to let out their misery. I perform live to let it all out.
I see a shrink too, but its nowhere as effective as letting my pain out through music. That, is my ultimate "flush".


I have one question for you kindofbluenote.
Where did you find the strength to go through school? What kept you going for so long?

I need to know this because I really feel that I have to get through this last year(I'm through in june!!) to finally finish school, but I can't even get out of bed in the morning!!
I can't even go to the grocieries without company because I'm so depressed....

Glad to share.

Interestingly, music is one of the main things that gets me through. My major passion (a non-Aspie would call it "obsession", but you know what I'm talking about) is also playing the guitar, I play classical. I had a job that paid well, but the hours and conditions were terrible (rotating shifts, workdays of 12-16 hrs. and a lot of time spent removing coal ash from gigantic boilers) so I had little time for the guitar, and due to the varying schedule, I couldn't regularly find groups to play with. I love playing chamber music, and want so badly to know a couple of other people that play, and spend some time just making music at my house. I had no education, so there weren't many prospects for me to advance in the career, and I was paid well enough that it would be impractical to go somewhere else, and start over. (I'd have to get a roomate or something, and I won't ever give up my privacy and space)

So, I went to school, figuring that a couple of years of torture would result in a lifetime of

A) more time to play the guitar
B) the ability to set my schedule so I could find people to play with
and
C) a more stable career (I'd been laid off enough!) with more opportunities, and more $

I also had to prove to myself that I wasn't the failure that I was in high school. I know I'm capable of a lot, but I haven't been able to do anything with myself. I feel like someone put a jet engine on a scooter sometimes. Seriously, despite my social and interpersonal shortcomings, I've been blessed with some strong intellectual gifts, and it seemed a crime against nature to allow myself to shovel coal ash. I've got a lot to prove to myself, and the more I learn about myself, the better equipped I become to handle it.

There's millions of roadblocks, and lots of things I can't change. I look at it like this: Have you ever seen a tree growing around a rock? (I spend a lot of time in the woods--my thinking spot) There's no way a tree can grow through the rock, so rather than give up growing, the tree eventually finds a way around the obstacle. It takes a while, but the tree still gets pretty tall.

Be a tree.