I can already tell this is going to be a long post.
Over 3 1/2 years ago, my youngest sister had a baby boy. She has pretty much sloughed off watching him onto my dad and I over the last 3 years. At most, she will watch him for a few hours at most, but gets tired of caring for him easily. Because my dad spent a large amount of time caring for him when he was a newborn, he has grown attached to my nephew.
Instead of devoting her time to her son, my youngest sister has focused on relationships with guys and on her appearance. She has regularly gone out and partied until 4 am on several occasions. A year and half ago, she dated an Air Force guy and with time, they got attached and decided to get married last April. However, their relationship was rocky from the start because my sister didn't want to become a housewife and mother and regularly accused the husband of looking at porno and of committing adultery. They got married before the guy was deployed to the Middle East for several months last summer. They moved in close to the Air Force base where the husband worked. Another month later, his cousin moved in and took some of the babysitting responsibilities. However, the burden of caring for her irresponsible behavior, as well as her hair-trigger temper eventually got to them. There were several near-breakups in January, and they decided late last month to divorce. I was initially expecting her to move back in with my dad, but apparently she is planning to move to Maryland with her kid in June.
I am having increasing disagreements with my dad about what should happen. She has incurred a lot of debt and not paid it back, and was arrested a few times when she was a teenager. She has a hair-trigger temper and has had several fights with my dad over various issues (and has withheld the child once or twice from him for several days before reaching an implied reconciliation, all the meantime fobbing him off onto me). The first husband (who is the kid's father) is currently in prison and will not be released until 2015.
My mom and other sister (58 and 25 years old) have been renting together for several years due to the stress of living with my dad and younger sister. My mom is on disability and my other sister is only working part time.
My dad thinks that he has a responsibility to us kids as long as he is alive, and although I have told him that the sister is going to need tough love, my dad is loath to kick her out because he is both worried about her child's welfare and he thinks she will attempt suicide if she is booted out on her own, and because of the sense of responsibility. However, the insanity of it all drove my other sister out of the house and I am making plans to leave home within the next year.
You may be thinking, why doesn't my dad take custody. My dad is 73 years old right now, and I don't know how many years he has left. His health has shown signs of deterioration over the last couple of years. He sleeps a lot more and is tired more often than he used to be, and was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure, and high blood cholestorol (which was not corrected up until a few years ago). He chain smokes and has smoked since he was in his 20's. I feel really helpless about the situation and I have no desire to take custody of the child myself under any circumstances because I do not feel I am emotionally able to take care of a child on my own (in addition to Asperger's issues of emotional disconnection from people and a flat effect).
I am working on my master's degree right now. I really want to move out and get a job but with my sister's instability and my constant anxiety issues, I end up delaying it while I take my classes. It is really frustrating for me because my dad says he loves the child and wants to have him over all the time, but he often sleeps a lot and makes me watch the child while he sleeps. I am having to take care of cooking, cleaning, and laundry for me and for him. My dad is also a very critical person and constantly nitpicks everything I do around the house. I have tried to come out to my dad about being gay, but he does not accept it and tells me I am going to be discriminated against and am going to end up with AIDS. He thinks I should be straight and carry on the family name (I am the only boy out of 5 kids my dad has had in two marriages). My dad is a second generation Japanese American man and it feels like he has totally different cultural values than most Caucasian people I know. There is constant talk of obligation with him. My mom is full-blooded Caucasian of Portuguese and German descent and she thinks I should be able to live my life the way I want to. She thinks my sister is irresponsible and that this sister needs to not be bailed out constantly, whereas my dad is willing to bail her out indefinitely. He acts like I am a total a----e for thinking that this sister needs to be left to her own devices and make her own decisions about her future.
I just feel so trapped. I am scared that I am going to have to end up being forced to take custody of the child someday and that I am going to be alone. I really want to break off relations with my sister when she moves out of state. I am only maintaining civility (or the illusion thereof) with her because my dad wants me to. I am so tired of the constant drama with her and the constant problems that she is having that I just want to get away from her. My mom agrees with me. This sister is driving away anyone who could or could want to help her.
I could write a lot more, but this is all I am capable of right now.
05 Mar 2014, 4:34 pm
can i ask where autism is in this story? only so I can reply knowing this info. if it is in your post please accept my rather poor memory lol.
