Watching an execution makes me sick

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When I watch executions on YouTube (real and made-up scenes from movies) I get sick, and I get suicidal thoughts. I want to kill myself.

But I keep watching them. Especially when I feel "too well" I go on YouTube and watch an execution, to feel sick and suicidal again.

I really don't know what is wrong with me.

I'd like to know.

i always thought i could stand to watch anything. I grew up watching horror movies and by the time i reached adulthood i thought id seen it all.

Watching an execution video changed that for me.

Since then i cant even watch accident videos and even movies like saw and other gory stuff disgusts me.

As long as you feel sick when you see things like that i think you're ok.

If not watching things like that prevents you from feeling that way...I suppose what confuses me is if you can seriously choose not to feel suicidal and depressed by not watching something, why would you watch it to make yourself feel depressed and suicidal again? So is there a reason like trying to punish yourself...or is there something about it that makes you want to watch stuff like that even though it makes you feel like crap?

*edited out personal information*

Yeah.....might want to see someone about that.

Why watch such things? Can't say I've ever had the desire to go seek a real execution on YouTube. Why? Just Why?

It sounds like a compulsion to me--plain and simple. You feel compelled to do, so you do it. They talk about people with autism being looked into repetitive, non-functional routines. That's the story of my life. Maybe this is one of your aspie routines.

I've seen people die from cardiac arrest and car accidents. It's not a pretty sight.

I am more concerned about the part you edited out.