I saw her walking, with a picture of Death from The Sandman on her shirt. I didn't know her, didn't have class with her, and was too rushed to get to my own class to even THINK about saying anything, much less strike up the courage to get any words out.
She was the only hot goth girl I've ever seen in real life.
I've seen plenty on the internet--pictures of them, anyway. But most the ones I've ever actually seen in real life have been obese and ugly and usually with bitchy and/or sadistic expressions on their faces. There have been some "eh...she's okay" ones, but most of them didn't show up to class enough for me to ever get the chance to talk to them. I know it's shallow as hell but physical attraction does play a role in a relationship, even if personality is more important, and I have such a limited view of beauty...the gothic look is the only one that really attracts me from a visual standpoint, so a non-gothic girl has to be REALLY hot for me to think she's attractive, and of course all the really hot ones have boyfriends or sh***y, shallow personalities--plus, it's not like I'm the most attractive catch. So, seeing a goth girl who was actually kinda hot, even if just for a few seconds, well, it was...it just made me realize just how lonely I feel. It happened about a week ago and it's been tumbling about in my head since.
In the entire school there are exactly two people who have a facebook and list "gothic" as one of their interests. And practically everyone AT my school has a Facebook. That's a shedload of students, and only TWO of them like gothic things? I'm one of them; the other is a girl who is 4 years older than me. I search for music as well; nobody shares my taste.
f**k it. f**k it all. Because obviously I'm not going to find anyone I can really relate to here at my college or the whole f*****g San Francisco Bay Area, for that matter, because it's not like I ever see any gothic sorts about, or knew any in high school or middle school. I want to move, but I wouldn't know where to go, and I'm too dependent. I can't drive. I don't have time for a job. I am a super picky eater, so if I moved I probably wouldn't find enough things I liked to eat.
I wish I wasn't gothic. I wish most things that I liked weren't gothic. I wish I didn't like gothic music. I wish I didn't like gothic movies, gothic literature, gothic themes, gothic cliches, gothic art, gothic beauty, gothic fashion, gothic philosophies, gothic people. Because if I didn't, then I'd be just a little bit more like everyone else, and because I'd be a conformist, people would say that I wasn't, because to everybody else all goths conform to that dumb goth stereotype and are in denial about it. And that's how it is, right? NOT HERE! NOT IN THE BAY AREA! BECAUSE PRACTICALLY NOBODY IS LIKE THAT HERE! THERE IS NO GOTH CULTURE FOR GOTHS TO CONFORM TO HERE! Do you see big cliques of people wearing black walking about? No? Me neither! Really, I don't think I've seen more than two gothy-looking people in the same area at a time here and 80% of the time not even one! Conformity is being untrue to yourself so that you fit in better with your friends, but so many people at my school--probably a lot of goths included--don't really have that many friends. It's not conformity here.
And I can't help being who I am. I can't help liking the things I like and disliking the things I dislike. And I can't help it that those things are only typical for goths. I don't limit myself, but I can't relate to most people here because most people don't like the same things I like. I can't even relate to my family. The only people I can really relate to are people I've never even f*****g MET in real life and just talk to on the f*****g internet.
I want love. I want a goth girl, and not a fugly bitchy one. I know that in a school like this that's being extremely unrealistic and picky as all hell, but I can't help it.
Sheesh. Throughout V-Day and up to it I was cracking jokes, making fun of the whole thing and looking at it in a better light than usual, but today, on Singles' Awareness Day, the day that I should be feeling better, is the one that I suffer the most on. Post-V-Day Trauma, I guess I'll call it. I felt absolutely miserable coming home from school today. Couldn't listen to any "fun" music, it just made me feel worse. So I put on some Evanescence b-sides and rare songs and what not...those are some of their best and saddest and most romantic.
Goodnight.
15 Feb 2007, 11:41 pm
