Well, at least I'm not a loser

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[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh_KUMKPmBw[/youtube]

I feel like the female version of Al today. I'm going to a couple of meetups the next two days (my days off work) and I don't know why I bother to keep trying to socialize when there's obviously (to everyone else but me) something so off about me that I'll never have anything but superficial contacts with other human beings. About all I can do is keep living and think that, to quote Al, ". . . the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth . . . makes me a winner!"

Since You Tube won't embed, here's the dialogue:
"So you think I"m a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate? A family that doesn't respect me? a whole city that curses the day that I was born? Well that may mean loser to you but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down tang and still frozen pop tart. Get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments. To fight traffic just for the privelege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, I'll never know the touch a beautiful woman and I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head but I'm not a loser. Because despite it all, me and every other guy who will never be what he wanted to be are still out there being what we don't want to be forty hours a week for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth you pudding of a woman makes me a winner!

It took me a few minutes to figure out that this is a clip from Married With Children. I used to love this show. I thought it was so much better than the Cosby Show because no one was trying to be perfect.

But this show had a very negative impact on me. It took me years to realize I'd taken on Al's bad attitude about life and that this greatly affected the quality of my life. I was always pessimistic about everything all the time.

Almost all of the characters had bad attitudes, weren't very nice people, screwed people over to get what they wanted, were lazy, lied consistently, etc. I could go on forever. My point is, I loved this show. I imitated the characters on the show because I thought they were funny and since the show was so popular, I thought people would like me, too. It, of course, had the opposite effect.

What made my life even worse was I actually believed this was the way I was. It's just my personality, the way I am, I thought. Now I'm in my late '40's trying to figure out who I am. And I wish I'd picked a better class of human beings to emulate.

I'm ashamed to even admit any of this. I don't know how any of this can help you. It sounds like you're going through a very tough time right now. I'm sorry life is so hard for you right now.

Thanks for the kind words, dc2610.

I used to like Married With Children too, though I stopped watching it after several years (I think around the time of Marcy's second husband) for the same reasons you cited. It was a cynical and black comedy from the beginning, but after a few years the show's producers and writers seemed to think they had to be more and more outrageous and it got to be far too cynical for me. The same thing happened with House.

No, you shouldn't live your life with Al Bundy's attitude! Being pessimistic all the time doesn't help and it's just as unrealistic as being optimistic. Better to be a realist (as far as any of us can determine what reality is -- harder for Aspies, I think).

Al's quote is from a third season episode. I still like this one because it says to me that even though life can be boring and unrewarding, you can still be a winner if you carry on and get through it, doing what you have to do, even when you're so down you want to just give up.

I'm feeling a little better from last night. My mood is still not good. Lately I've taken some punches to the gut (figuratively, not literally). Things happen with people I know, and I think I've figured out a situation, then I get evidence that nothing is what I thought it was. Or I'm just not sure.

An Aspie friend and I have been socializing out of the group setting and I thought it was because we liked each other. Platonically. Lately he's told me he may begin dating again. He had told me earlier, on one of our movie outings, that he thought I was really good at small talk and socializing. So now I'm wondering how much of our outings were because he liked me and wanted to spend time with me doing something we both enjoy -- movies. Or if the only reason he's been inviting me out was so he could study me and practice conversation.

If it were the latter, I would have agreed to it anyway if he'd explained his motive at the beginning. I wonder if he realizes that he could have approached me frankly about this. I like him enough to want to help him. If it is this, it's the realizing it after half a dozen outings part that hurts.

I have to hope it could be a combination of both. Maybe he also enjoyed going out for the company, not just the tutorial. But I can't figure it out, I wish I could. And even I know that if I tried to explain this to him and ask him, one look at my face and even a fellow Aspie would know if it was just to practice socializing, he would have to lie about that so I wouldn't be hurt. Since I could never get a straight answer, there's no point asking, though not knowing bugs the living bleep out of me.

But, as Al Bundy says, I will persevere. I will get dressed in a few hours and head out to supper at a restaurant with a bunch of people and make conversation. I won't make friends, but I'll try not to be too "off" with the NTs and I'll have human contact.

.

FYI In the Youtube link change https to http and the link will work

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh_KUMKPmBw[/youtube]

Thank you, ASPartOfMe, I wondered what I was doing wrong. I've been able to embed before. YouTube must have changed that.