Lost in the woods

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I don't know how to explain or where to start. I just feel so burnt out, exhausted... scared.

I guess it could help if I explain, though I don't know that talking about it is helpful.

In 2012, I was deemed by judge, too inept to function under the stress of any work place. I quickly realized I couldn't live my life without a driving purpose though. Simple existence feels like a death sentence. I think Marv from the movie Sin City said it best... "Hell is waking up every God damn day not knowing why you're here." So, I started working on myself. I started not allowing my parents to help me with the things I needed to know how to do so that I'd figure them out on my own.

After about a year of figuring out how to handle my own affairs decently, I moved about 900 miles from anybody I knew who could help me out and set down where I am now in Oregon. I figured living on my own in an immersion type of state would greatly help my ability to learn how to live. It has helped progress greatly not having my parents try and do things for me without my consent. I've had a year to take care of doing everything on my own to survive without any help. I've pinpointed what in my diet had been making me quite ill for the last... I don't know how many years, and I learned to be comfortable in my own company, worked on my social skills a fair lot, and learned how to budget very little quite successfully.

My year rental lease is just about up where I live now... and I can't stay where I am and proceed to grow any further. I'm feeling very worn from solitude, drifting days, and insomnia. Solitude because there's no public transit in this sleepy stretched out town, and I really don't fit in with the general population as a young agnostic musician in the middle of a high concentration of middle aged religious folk. Insomnia because I can't stop my mind from running subconsciously... I wake up constantly half way through solving an equation, pondering music theory or musical ideas, or contemplating how to get everything I need to do before I move done, or giving up on life. At least during the day in a conscious state I can be mindful and not let my mind wander too far or go into whirling chaos, but at night I don't seem so able.

I'm feeling extremely exhausted, I know there's much to do before I move, but until the time draws nearer, I can't do anything about it at the moment but keep worry from seeding too deeply into my mind... which is starting to become difficult as I become more sleep deprived.

I'm planning to move further north from here to Spokane, though mostly because it seems to be my only realistic choice based on my financial limitations, and personal needs. I'm of course concerned about being able to find a place once I start looking as I'll not have a home to fall back on once I head out. My father has mentioned I could come back and stay with his family, but I cannot. That life of dependency on him is certain to bring me to my knees and ultimately suicide, and if I just try it out, I'll be ship wrecked financially back in a location that it's impossible to live on my own without a fairly good paying job. I don't do too well living in close proximity to others who can't respect my frequent need of being left alone to recharge... including family.

It's all very scary. At least when I moved here, I was suicidal and reckless. I didn't care if I ended up dead. Now I rather seem to mind safety and not ending up on the streets of somewhere. The fears have already irrationally brought me to my knees once recently where I found out my only methods of escape would be inducing cardiac arrest or causing brain hemorrhaging which aren't really desirable alternatives to what I'm nervous of.

I'm also not as blindly hopeful about the new grass I've yet to step on, so the delusions that the new home will make me happy aren't there to fuel my movements. I've come to recognize that I can find my surroundings here quite beautiful, or rather ugly, and it's led me to understand that the place didn't change, only my perception on those days did. Moving to a new location is only going to be helpful in meeting other needs, like having public transport, and more options for growth like going back to school, and hopefully one day in the not too distant future, getting back to work. However, the new place will not be able to change my emotionally fueled biases for better or worse.

I also have re-occuring thoughts telling me I'm at my limit of what I can take, so how can my dizzy self ever handle going back and finishing school and finding long term work... I'm trying not to let those thoughts live, at least for now. That's a negative set with too much power for me to handle at the moment -_-

I'm just extremely tired... and know I've got a wild month coming up rather soon, and want to disappear until I'm ready, but time doesn't wait. I would seriously like to go let something vile drink off me, but I quit drinking a year ago upon spotting alcoholism in myself, and besides, rye and my gluten intolerance don't mix well.

Eh... At least I don't mind that my only friend is made out of a tree. The song of her voice is probably the only thing keeping me going anymore.

If anyone actually read all of that, thank you. I don't expect anything in response from my story, I just have no one to talk to anymore about anything that matters to me like all of this does.

Good luck with the move and be kind to yourself.Take it easy and don't push yourself to try and accomplish too much at once.

Sound advice.

I did read all of your post. Although our situations and scenarios are really different, I do know what you mean in that I've sometimes felt so exhausted. But much better now. Anyway, please just consider that you have taken on an enormous burden with hardships that might flatten anyone else. Most especially, your own philosophical nature takes that hard, as evidenced by your post. I imagine you'll transcend this and move forward. Yes, maybe you do not so much need a 'reply', but instead just recognition. And encouragement. Seems Misslizard wrote it best, be kind to yourself.

Thank you all for the quick replies, that was rather unexpected.

Thank you for the wishes and advice Misslizard, and you too babybird for seconding.

I'm trying to grip the concept that I might not be able to reach all of my goals as quickly as I set the deadline for, so for now, I'm just trying to take one step at a time, and give myself enough time and plan what needs doing so that I can make the most out of the short time span everything for the move needs to get done by without hitting shutdown mode.

I seem to do best when I make lists and assign tasks per each day, and if up to it and finished with all of my tasks for a day, taking on a task or two elsewhere from other days, so that on days I can't get much done, I don't have as much to do, or can feel comfortable writing them off to another day if I need a complete break from stress.

In being kind to myself, the only way I've been able to do so, is trying to see myself from the outside. If a friend were in my position, I can't imagine pressuring them to do more, so the image helps enough to get me to let myself off the hook when I feel inadequate or not productive enough. I don't suspect I can do much more, I mean, with a friend, I'd try to help them out where I can, but helping myself with chores to give myself extra rest and such... really doesn't help lift any burdens


Thank you LabPet, I found your words very kind and encouraging. I hadn't really taken much time to think about what I'm doing being that big a deal overall, as by the world's terms, I'm about a decade behind schedule for personal independence.

First, congrats on all the hard work you've put into bettering your life. It reads as though in many important aspects you've made great progress.

I can, though, relate to your feelings of being burned out and dreading the upcoming challenges. Last year I had to make a move after just learning of my Asperger's, dealing with chaos in the workplace, financial instability, and so on. I felt overwhelmed.

I remembered someone I know who faced similar chaos some years before. At the time he said that all he could do was to 'keep putting one foot in front of the other." That is basically what I did, along with being very, very patient with myself and allowing myself to also do all the things I knew to do that help me stay centered and less crazy.

Best wishes. I look forward to reading how things progress for you.

Thank you


I'm very glad you made it through that tough time intact. I have to admit, I don't have as many unknown variables in my situation. I've had plenty of time to devise a budget and save money for the move, and other than my current overhead I know what I have won't go away.

I don't drive though as I cannot process so much information in a manner I perceive as safe for others despite being able to drive stick with my father making me tense with his intimidating rambling tones some years ago in Southern California without running curbs, stalling, or breaking traffic laws... I start feeling my mind drift, and it bothers me too much to think of what could happen to other's loved ones in a worse case scenario. I guess because of that though, it makes a lot more work in getting myself and my few things to where I'm going. In reality, if I could rationally afford to drive and felt comfortable in the amount of multitasking to doing so, all I'd have to do is throw my things in the back seat of a car and go.

I've already done this once before in moving here, so I know what not to do and what to expect this time... which I guess is a mixed blessing. I know the ropes and don't have as many unknowns to fear, but at the same time, dread having to take the same risks all over again.


Having others as first hand examples is probably the greatest inspiration I've found. I'm glad you found someone to inspire you through that turbulent time in your life.

In my case, my inspiration to not just curl up and die is my former girlfriend. She was/is a high functioning autistic world traveler. I found it beautifully bold and daring that she'd move to countries where she wasn't exactly the most welcome, and live in them all on her own. All the while, while being as aggressive as she had to be to be respected, her heart remained unclouded and warm, and her mind strong yet at peace.

After having spent the first 24 years of my life around impatient and moody people like my parents, I found the tranquility of such a capable woman beyond admirable.

I never knew the words to ask her about Buddhism, nor did I know how to ask her how to explain her interpretation of mindful meditation to me, but her living example really hit home in desiring to refine my life.

I suppose my ultimate goal is to find something I'm meant for, but that is the only thing that has stuck with me that I want to do. I'd like to be able to touch someone's life with a similar gift. She's the one who showed me that there's so much more to life than the perpetual death I had been stuck in and accustomed to and that I could break the dark cycle even though everyone else said I couldn't.

Also, the thought of her moving to another country all on her own, makes me feel that moving from Oregon to Washington maybe isn't as huge an ordeal as it feels in some ways... though I'm not nearly as experienced with moving about as she.


Thank you again Marky9. I think responding to the input of the posts here is actually being helpful in picking the tumblers of my mind for unlocking calming thoughts that I'd not normally think of... even if I am rambling. I hope rambling's alright

I'll certainly update this thread once the actual wheel of things takes movement. I can't really get anything particularly productive done until the beginning of March, and I would be taking a flight to Spokane at March's end or April's beginning.

You are doing o.k. for someone named Abby Normal. We all have our moments, and life is the prize. Your title says lost in the woods? Here I was going to say always carry a pocket knife, and a bic lighter. Where fleece, especially wool because it is fireproof, and stays warm when wet. Obviously, always know what way north is.

Since you have a mental family to fall back on like I do, you can always think positive, and fall away from them as soon as possible. Oregon sounds nice. Be thankful for precious moments like that. If you're a musician, you could always go to church and play. You could meet people there, and work on your pretending once a week.

I seem to be a fair bit less unraveled today. I suspect it's been helpful that I slept like a rock last night. Also, there's actually some sun peaking through my windows off and on today. I'll probably do a few hours of maintenance on my guitar today and that's usually somewhat therapeutic with it's high demand in focus.

Hah thanks

I mostly chose the title because I didn't know how to title the thread. I tried to imagine a picture of how I felt and pictured I was deep in a cold dense forest just before nightfall and couldn't find my way out. I hadn't really thought about the title being taken literally despite having a HFA/PDD-NOS diagnosis.

That's also very intriguing, I didn't know wool was fireproof and stayed warm even when wet... all I knew was it makes tiny clothing when accidentally put in the dryer


Oregon is very nice, I just can't actually say I've gotten to experience much of it while living here, since I don't drive. The most I can walk is about 25 miles round trip. So from where I am, I've been about 12.5 miles from home base in different directions in a sprawled out town.

Much of Oregon's beauty really is in the long peaceful drives through the land. If I'd never visited before moving here, I'd have a very limited and skewed view of such a green foresty state (I live in an old town on the coast), but I've been trough the main central section in the past prior to moving here, and enjoy much of what I've seen of the state. I love Portland, but there's no way for me to live there on my current income, and I've not even gotten a chance to visit since I moved here nearly a year ago.

As far as meeting others in church, I feel very judged and unwelcome in churches. I am not a believer in the bible, and I've searched and found that I cannot establish belief, and until you do, it seems you're kept from sincere acceptance at the length of a pole. I also don't think my current interest in the playing style of neo-classical shred would really fit the gig setting as far as the music is concerned.

Burnt out right now... too much talking with my father about travel information. He used to travel a lot when I was small, so I tend to ask him things... and then remember I shouldn't. Got spoken to as if I'm a ret*d for about an hour and a half straight over the phone. He painfully explains everything in intricate detail as if I've never set foot outside the womb before -_-

Anyway, just mostly worn out trying to think of how to travel north. The airline that flies out of the hanger here (not really big enough to be called an airport), just randomly stops flying where I need to go as of April 1st. So... I can't fly to Spokane affordably, or simply.

There's a cessna that flies to Portland from the hanger by a small private airline, and from there I can fly to Spokane, but I don't know if they accept checked on luggage due to the small size of the plane, and even if they do, it'll likely cost a fair bit more than I had expected. It also leaves rather early in the morning, so I'd have to stay up all night, because I'd not be able to sleep with the anxiety of over sleeping.

Then there's the airport in Eugene... if I could make it there, the flights are very simple to get to Spokane, but the Eugene airport is about an hour and a half drive away from me. Cab fare alone would be at least $250... which isn't reasonable in addition to the cost of the flight.

So now I'm left thinking my only option is the Amtrak train, which... it's like a 36-40 hour trip because much of the journey is off the course of the railroad tracks. Their busses are tiny too, which sounds like a nightmare, but it's affordable

I might look into a greyhound bus a little more. I've never rode in one before, though I'd looked into them before, and when I mentioned it as a travel alternative, my father of course said... "No you don't want to do that. It's a 20 hour ride." In which I just wanted to scream "You don't live in my head... how would you know what I want!? I have patience, I'd get to see scenery on my way there, and I'd not have any unexpected costs to worry about popping up." Of course, I'll just do what I'm going to do regardless... that's the funny thing, he's never really had his way in what I do even in his tugging at strings, because I am a person and not a marionette >_>

Eh... just tired and frustrated, and my father speaking to me like I'm five is about the only thing that makes me flustered, and I hold back the frustration from being known because I know he means well... despite him being a total dork. I'd hoped to get flight reservations out of the way today. Now my head is buzzing because I have to figure something else out, and none of the alternatives seem particularly optimal. For now I'm just trying to clear my head of such noise and forget about it all.

As an update, I am here in Spokane... though I'm also very confused as to what to do. I've been here for a few days and have come to note that there aren't many suitable places to move in to. I expect to see a few places tomorrow, but since nobody is showing apartments on weekends, I've been out exploring in between research sessions at my hotel room. I've started to realize through first hand wandering and talking to the locals, that the city really doesn't seem to be able to accommodate my goals.

The city has some charm, but I find myself more interested in the people, which through being gentle and friendly, have brought quite a bit of information to my mind that the internet information I've found really doesn't shed light. I may be able to find a place, but even if I do, it seems the extent that the location can help me reach is getting my general education out of the way before I'm going to be right back in the very trapped position I was in where I lived last and frantically searching for a way out.

There's a high level of poor and homeless folk all over the place (the most I've ever seen in one place in my life), and it seems there are far too many people compared to jobs... like, an unfathomable amount of people to said ratio (I admit, I didn't think to look up unemployment rates for the area before shooting off towards here >_<). Also, the help services are limited mostly toward helping old folk, which is likely why so many people are homeless. I feel very indifferent toward the area, as in, "it's alright" on a scale of interesting, and because of that, I'm thinking I shouldn't move to such a place which would put a huge barrier in the way of my goals to strive for complete self sufficiency.

My next move in working on myself is to go to community college to finish up my general education and then find some way into university to work toward becoming a school music teacher.

I suspect I'll still check out those apartments tomorrow in downtown just to be sure I'm not being too quick to judge, and it'll give me more time in the city to evaluate how I feel, but I'm rather sure I won't likely be moving here.

My only options if not here, are to either return to Oregon and find a more productive place for myself to grow somewhere affordable down the central section of the state, or go back to Southern California and live with my father while I go back to school.

If I move back to Oregon, I have to find some way to come up with enough research to figure out where to hold my figurative "last stand". I can't move back to from where I came, so I'd have to get started on such study asap, and I don't know that I've had much luck lately picking places to move to. Though, I've been a resident of OR for a year, and should find it easier to start school if I moved back. I also already have insurance and food money there that I have nowhere else, so that would put less strain on moving costs. Though, I don't even know where to start looking. I usually have months to plan such things, and I've only got days :/

If I move back to California, I can't live on my own, and to live where I need to be, have to live with my father. Something about being around my father cripples me though. He makes me feel bad and treats me like an idiot, even though I know he no longer means to. In the past he was just mean to me, now he tries to be kind and gentle though often talks to me as if I'm incapable of advanced thought. He does things to aid me without my permission, and overall, I felt just last december holiday, some regression in my ability to cope and take care of myself for a few weeks after getting back to my lone lifestyle until I recovered from whatever that makes me feel like an intimidated child in his presence. He is good to me now, but my childhood is littered with repressed memories of times of abuse(I've been told of many things that happened to me during those dark spots in my memory)... which is why I suspect I'm so instinctually afraid of him in person despite knowing I have nothing to fear from him now. The thing is, I could easily go back to school as the community college is within walking distance from his home. I also know the bus lines, and train system, so once I want to go to a university afterward, I could easily commute into the LA area to finish my schooling. Also, his home is in a safe area, and I'm tired of not feeling safe anymore... I feel like I'm going feral from lack of familiar human contact and fear of being threatened while out all on my own.

I guess whatever I choose to do, it needs to promise I can work on going back through school, and putting people in my life. I am financially ill equipped to be a loner and feel safe at the same time. At least if I go to school, it should remove some financial barriers that keep me away from feeling safe on my own. I think I've been going about my approach rather wrong... I've been running to keep my freedom to live on my own at all costs... maybe I should just go back to California, go to school for a few years as my full focus, and with that schooling, go off and find a place far from there where I can have more options for residence and live in less fear when I decide to travel to a new place

Any thoughts toward this situation would be well appreciated. My mind has started to kick up a storm of confusion as I've got so many things to think of, and so little time due to financial limitations. I have to decide on my next move in this confusing game by Wednesday

I'm probably going to put this out of my mind until tomorrow. It's 7:15pm and I don't need to blow my brain up.

Wow, I can certainly identify with most of your story. Maybe it's because we are similar ages?

Maybe this is meant for a PM, but I think my location might interest you.
If I wasn't still stuck in my room, I'd even offer that to you as well.

I'm curious as to what you mean by help services.

^Thank you for the kind and generous sentiments.

As far as help services, for the most part, that's not an issue that pertains to me. I was in a defeated mood, and somehow that ended up in my flow of thought. Namely, it's the state funded programs for those who need assistance... not the fault of federal ones. The state based programs seem to be an issue to the homeless people I've talked to around here (though of course I didn't ask if there were alternate reasons they left out as to why they couldn't get help, so the information might be inaccurate). As I mentioned, such things don't pertain to my needs... safe shelter and the like for those unable to stay somewhere. I just end up feeling for people, and suppose that really bothered me enough to end up on my mesh of things that were troubling my head.

I appreciate the idea of checking into the area you live. I mostly mentioned looking back into Oregon though, as I've already done quite a bit of research in the fairly recent past on the area, so all I'd have to do is check availability of housing to move back to the state. I don't think I can really get enough information on any other areas in the next two days to make a safe gamble, and I'm running low on energy and funds to get all this done as it is... it is becoming rather costly to stay in this motel/hotel as a base of operation.

Edit No.2 @ 4:04PM: Just looked at Bellingham for fun. That is a very lovely looking place. I actually used to visit Anacortes to see my grandparents once a year or so when younger ( from ages I remember of 10 to age 12) which it appears to be just across the water. Though when my grandmother passed when I was 12, my grandfather left the state to reside in Arizona. I actually think of that type of area when I think Washington.

Though, it's coming closer to my attention, that I'll likely just return to California, and make my education my top priority. My father and his wife are Christian, so there are an elaborate network of silly laws under his roof. However, I no longer care for alcohol, nor do I seek romance, so his place isn't nearly as repelling as it once was... the rest of the silly rules have always been rather easy to tolerate. I am aware that close proximity to them will wear on me, but I really can't afford to live on my own in a safe area that meets my elaborate needs, so maybe it's best I work on getting used to being close in proximity to others while it's people I know who forgive me for my occasional irritable responses and reactions, and can work on refining away that negative piece of myself as well.

Edit No.1 @ 3:33PM:
Well that was an easy decision. There's not much that I can reasonably afford in Oregon on my own unless I move back near where I came from last. I've no reason to subject myself to such torture, though the area is beautiful. I say near because my recent landlord decided to raise the unit's rent, and dishonestly embellish the description of the place in the new ad he raised as newly remodeled. Anyway, there's nothing for me there in Coos Bay... so I guess I'm going to make plans to head back down south to California in the next couple of days.