another f--- up

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the Haven



sounds like what I need

I just messed up another attempt at a relationship: once in a while I meet someone and for some reason think maybe this time can be different and start out on the road of relationship again, wishing/hoping/intending/kidding myself that I can manage my difficulties better than previous times - we get on well, have stuff in common etc even though I know I struggle, don't know what to say, avoid eye contact, have long periods of silence, find talking on the phone very difficult but I press on, give out messages that I want the relationship to develop, dread the loneliness and isolation that awaits should it go wrong and so it goes on for a while but very soon I can't cope, feel invaded and stressed out, hate being touched, hate having to touch, can't stand having the person in my house with their strange smells and noises, their strange objects, moving my stuff around and most of all just them, being there, demanding something from me just by their presence, okay I'm totally selfish and neurotic but my house is my way of coping with my life, I feel safe and protected and in control - it's not their fault for being a human being who likes me, is attracted to me but they end up being totally messd up when it gets too much and I blow the whole thing out of the water, which is what I did a few days ago, after about 4 months or so, even with flights booked for a holiday in Morocco - I'm f---ed up, really

never again though, I say it here publically, I'm not going to lead anyone else down the path of expectation - I'm on my own, a 44 year-old male, and that's it, end of story, been on my own most of my life anyway so it's not like I'm not used to it

I am sorry for how you are feeling. I understand well. I have had one long term relationship, and one minor and very brief relationship, and in both instances, I could not deal with the touch. One was another aspie, but he seemed to be better at physical contact than me. I would always break away if held and want to watch a film or escape on the internet. In the end, I couldn't bear to have him in the room with me, but had no choice as we shared a house with his mother...just one room for us really. Nightmare. In the end, he went out more and more and I was left to my internet. The other guy was NT , and typically, wanted sex. I wanted the trips to nice places and the breakfasts he bought and made for me, but I couldn't deal with the fact it would always lead to sex...and I couldn't say no due to not wanting anger. But anyway...I would say, never say never. Maybe just wait, maybe just work on these things, or maybe accept that you are as you are, and the right person might have the communication and comprehension skills necessary for you to make something work? Maybe the best kind of relationship for an aspie, is one where there is just a few days or few evenings a week spent together. That way, it is not too overwhelming, but you still have that connection.

thanks for your words, they're very comforting

I think you're right, a relationship like that is the only one I think I could make work but most people don't seem to want that

I know, but I would imagine that there are others, even if few, who want the same thing. I am just biding my time myself, and hoping and waiting, I suppose, that someone with the same ideology will come along. Meanwhile, I suppose one has to make the best of being alone and use the time well. It is hard though, when you wish badly for a soulmate of some sort to share with.

No, not many would want that. Unfortunately, I, myself, am looking for that. Though, I think I can tolerate someone for longer but they have to be 'amazing' or "perfect" to me, at least..

Is that selfish? I don't know, I know what I want and I know who I am so to subject someone to me, who may require more then I can offer, is hurtful for them and stressful for me.

i'm alone but used to it, too.

In the AA (alcoholics anonymous) world, they have some sayings. I have a huge problem with that little cult, but that's another story. Some of the sayings are very good. One of those that I like. Setting yourself up for the fall. If you go into a relationship fearing the worst, it's going to happen.

It seems like to me, now as I look back on relationships. The harder I tryed, the less I suceeded. The best one's just sort of happened. I wasn't really looking, probably obsessed with some shiny thing. I guess I was more relaxed. Maybe I spotted some one beside me that was just as interested in the little shiny thing. Maybe she spotted me for the same reason. Now if someone is interested in what I thought was cool, then she more then likely was a little whacked to begin with. That's music to my ears. I don't like "normal". (what ever the hell that is) The one's that didn't work? Hey, I had fun and they did too, it wasn't all bad. Just wasn't ment to be long term. I'm not sure I ever got to know anyone thinking in the long term.

Man, I do know that what I just said doesn't help the moment. For someone to tell me time heals, I'm going to give a very evil glare.

I don't hide who I am, what makes me tick, my likes and dislikes. It's even easier now that I can use aspie terms to let her know better what I'm feeling. My wife knows not to mess with my comfy things, to give me space when I wonder into my cave, that I have issues with what is simple to most, she knows I'm not touchy/feely, and the list goes on. I honestly don't know how she can live with me sometimes. But she was right next to me while I was looking at shiny things, "faults" and all. Hell I was still looking at the shiny things, she had to hit me over the head with a freaking 2 ton heavy object. She had to ask me to get married, I had assumed it was a given, that she just knew it. Was confused why she would worry about such a thing and not pay attention to the other little shiny thing that just showed up. There I go again, thinking others think like I do. I didn't get married till I was 41.

I'm sorry to hear that!

I hope things improve with you soon!

wow, thanks guys, I really appreciate your responses

You're welcome!

Oh, the Wife said to say, we were freinds before we were lovers. Very very true and very important. I don't mean a long term friendship, one could look at our relationship as whirlwind. The friendship doesn't stop growing, it's an under current. We were both old enough to know you can't change others and knew sort of what we wanted in a mate. But we were friends first. Hugely important. It gets us through some tough times. Love isn't a constant. My wife and I have hardly had more the 2-3 hours seperation a day for, oh damn she gonna kill me for this, 16 years? Long periods of no seperation at all. I mean we worked together when we worked. We just made sure we didn't team together. Now I don't care who you are, that takes some navigating to do, we all need our space. I respect hers and she respects mine. Differences in charactor is what makes it all so great with us, we each have our own point of view, but still have that common ground, the one that never ever fails, we are friends, as well as being husband and wife. Never say never my friend. The other side be lookin too