So I came to a realization.

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I need to seriously watch my drinking. Last night my brother explained to me he doesn't like being around me when I get drunk and irrational. I got mad at him at first like the whole 'I can drink if I want bla bla bla' but he was right. I have been being an idiot about alcohol and I need to knock it off. So yeah I have just been thinking about that today. But yeah I have an issue of getting upset/angry/depressed and then going out to drink to deal with it or drinking alone and its not a good thing to do, alcohol just impairs the frontal lobe and makes things more frustrating and confusing.

But yeah he wasn't saying if I ever have a beer around him he's going to be pissed and ignore me, it was more he thinks I do it to much and it makes me hard to get along with so I should watch myself. But yeah I don't want to become an alcoholic and destroy myself like that, but if I keep that crap up that is exactly what will happen. If I work on it now then I can probably get to the point of having a beer or two on occasion rather than drinking habitually.

I know I should not beat myself up though...I mean not that this justifies anything but having PTSD substance abuse is a symptom, so yeah I know it has some to do with trying to handle the PTSD but its no good to handle it in a way that will make me intolerable to be around for people close to me and potentially kill me from liver damage or what not. So yeah I am going to talk to my therapist about it and try to find some activities that don't have to do with drinking so I have other things to do.

Last night I felt like it was one of those movies about a rock band where one of the members is getting carried away with drugs, and is confronted about it...I even said the whole 'well why is it ok for other people to go out and drink but its not ok if I go do it.' Well blunt answer would be I can't handle myself when I do that. I just hope I can come up with the strength to address the issue now rather then going down the path of self destruction. My brother just doesn't want to lose his sister to that and I understand so I have to work on it.

It's good to hear that your brother cares enough about you to be honest with you.

I really do wish you all the best for finding a healthy and more constructive way of dealing with your ptsd.

Having been a heavy drinker myself I know how hard it is to break the habit. I used to drink through boredom, so I had to learn how to be bored without alcohol.

Trust me it does pay off in the end, but only if you persist.

Yeah I am going to try and find some activities to do that don't involve drinking, so when I am bored maybe I will go and do those things instead. Or if I am upset/angry then perhaps I can find healthy outlets may sound kinda silly but I have explored the idea of taking fencing lessons or something I tried karate for a while as a kid and didn't really like it but perhaps I'd like that more and it would help get some of the pent up energy out.

I pray that you will be successful in your sobering.

As cliche as it is, admitting you have a problem is the first step to rectifying it and sometimes you need somebody to confront you about it to see it that way. I come from a long line of drinkers, my dad was a bad bad functioning alcoholic for most of my childhood and I come from a culture in Wisconsin that basically makes binge drinking a sport. I've never drank for any other reason but to get ****faced, I thought that was the point and I never could just have one or two drinks. When I first started drinking back in my teens, I did it as form of social lubrication and where I came from(I'm sure it's not the only place like this) it's a socially acceptable activity for teenagers to drink until you pass out several nights a week. It made me not feel so awkward and anxious, I felt normal and I actually had fun in social situations I would never be comfortable in sober. It wasn't healthy and I put myself in risky situations, of the few friends I had back home most drifted further into the abyss of substance abuse(pills and then heroin) and criminality.

I moved away when I was 20 with my mom & sister and the biggest reason why was to get away from that bad scene in my hometown. I spent most of my teen years dreaming about turning 21 and being able to go to the bar with my friends and when I did turn 21 I drank heavily for about year. I wasn't going to to the bar alone, I don't have the money or transportation or anything to do that. I get anxious and feel inadequate around "normal" people, I don't feel like I can socialize with people not on "my level" so I started drinking by myself out loneliness and boredom which is something I didn't do back home or before I was 21 and I drinking until I passed out. My 2 brothers and dad followed us out here like 6 months or so after I turned 21 and I started drinking socially with my brothers in addition to by myself. My dad drank until the day his doctor he couldn't do it anymore but he likes to live vicariously and bought me and my brothers way too much booze. This progressed until I was drinking almost every night and I could finish a bottle by myself in one night. To be honest, what got me out of this cycle was smoking a lot of weed, it just made me not want to drink so I just replaced drinking with smoking. I was still able to socialize with my brothers that way and I felt much better in general. That isn't a way to live either but drinking like that was going to kill me so it was good trade off.

I've only drank several times since and I've had some embarrassing incident almost every time now, I just can't handle it the way I did even a year ago anymore it seems. I'm on my own now and I'm not going to be able to smoke like that anymore so there's void, I bought a bottle last night I actually had one of those bad incidents last night. I don't what I'm going to do to fill that void; I'm going back to therapy and maybe try medication again, I got Voc Rehab, might get a gym membership, and through my dad's work I get a lot of free tickets to local sporting events so I'm hoping by keeping busy and with the medication that it won't be an issue. I've regressed back into my some my more childhood interests like pro wrestling(don't laugh) and video games but whatever, they're just something to fill the time and gives me something to look forward to.

Hopefully you can find something that can fill that void, I hope there something in your life that interests you enough to get you out in the world and fill your time in a more healthy manner. It's all easier said than done, I know that as well as anyone but you shouldn't get so down and call yourself failure or anything like that since it's not your fault and you're not alone in having these struggles either. Maybe try to set a goal of some sort and work towards it. Taking lessons for something sounds like a good idea, maybe learn to play the guitar or learn some self defense. Fencing sounds cool if you can find lessons for it. I took to cooking for my family, it was something I could teach myself and feel some sort accomplishment with and now that I'm own I won't have to rely just on take out or my microwave.

I'm sorry. I stopped myself from drinking. People have to "cut me off", because I will just down everything when I have to be social. I realized that I was likely on the road to becoming an alcoholic. Now, I just have mixed drinks sometimes when I'm alone and want to enjoy being buzzed. It also doesn't help that it only takes 2 beers to get me drunk.

I used to be the same way with pills. Peer pressure is horrible. I would say if you have a higher likelihood to become addicted, you should stay away from it entirely. Or, at least avoid drinking at times where you feel like you "need" a drink. Make it a habit to only do it for fun and not to escape reality. When I say for "fun", I don't mean having fun every night, either.

I'm now honest with young people. They insult me for not being able to "hold liquor". I simply defend myself by saying I will likely become an alcoholic, and at least my liver isn't destroyed from slamming alcohol like them. The people who will insult you most likely have alcohol dependency themselves.

I'm SO glad someone spoke up to you before it was "too late". Too many people kind of just wait around while the person they love becomes addicted. I don't think you are an idiot at all, though. I also have PTSD. I have realized it's VERY easy to just start popping some pills and drinking. It's like you start doing it and don't even realize it until you're a mess.

I don't know if this is an option, but I want to smoke weed instead. Well, not smoke, because smoking is bad for you. I smoked Salvia once and I found I don't "need" it like other substances, and it also lifted my depression. I kind of use food instead of alcohol, which isn't good, but isn't as bad either (at least right now). One of the things that I do that replaces being high and/or drunk is being on a swing. If you go back on the swing (when you pump your legs to go forward) and close your eyes, it feels like you are on a roller coaster. That literally is like a high for me and isn't really harmful

Last edited by bleh12345 on 07 May 2014, 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am glad that you realized your problem. Depression is often seen with increased drinking, but it really only makes it worse.
Have you considered an AA (alcoholics anonymous) or other support group? Even if you do not have full alcoholism they can help.

Great decision Sweetleaf, good for you. Enjoy the clarity that comes without the alcohol cloud. Maybe find a support group of people who can empathise and encourage you during this transition stage. Be good to yourself.