A bit of rambling about things that suck about my life...

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It would be great if I didn't get so worried over what my mom thinks, the hassle of not being able to afford to move out at this point...and I'll miss the cats as I can't bring them with, but I will come and visit a lot to see the cats, my brother and yes even though my mom annoys me and doesn't agree with what she's seen of my lifestyle I love her and would come to visit her to.....but living with her is kind of straining. Like I worry what she thinks if I don't get home till early in the morning due to enjoying some live music somewhere like she'll be mad, or think I must have drank too much or wonder who took advantage of me...when maybe I just went out had like 3 beers, talked to people and enjoyed myself.....I mean its not just my autism that makes it hard for me to go out and meet people and enjoy myself its also worrying about what my mom would think or what bits I should leave out if I tell her what I was doing that one annoys me makes me feel like a freaking child and I am a 24 year old adult I should try and take good advice from people and what not, but I am also going to make mistakes in life, learn things from them and get on with it.....it just holds me back too much. I guess my mom was/is kind of over-protective but I feel like that is part of my problem. But yeah people have taken advantage of me before which really sucks, but I also have met a lot of good people...trouble is I always end up losing contact with the cool people I meet and never know if I will see them again but know we'd likely still be friends if we did. I mean sometimes you have to take some risks in life, not doing so might minimize potential negative experiences but you also can miss out on a lot in life.

My mom is the type who thinks if something bad happens to you then 'well you shouldn't have done that' much of the time, which is a rather annoying attitude because crap happens even if someone isn't doing anything wrong, or something they shouldn't have. And maybe its not intentional her mom is sort of like that to but even worse so perhaps its just something she picked up on but even so its difficult to deal with sometimes.

And I suppose its just confusing....my family, not just immediate but like relatives both sides going way back are very dysfunctional and so its hard to get a sort of clear objective view point of things from the people in my life. I get along well with my brother but he's younger and he has his own issues and isn't in a position to fix mine and he doesn't like talking about stuff like that too much because I think it overwhelms him. So yeah I don't know if I always have the best perspective on things I've never really had any kind of role model or whatever. I mean even now yeah my moms going to school, and planning to start a buisiness in wholistic health of some kind but with her and her boyfriend but shes not someone I should model my behavior after, never has been but thinks she is when shes a terrible example and she smokes cigarettes, tells me I shouldn't and then tries to hide that she smokes and its like 'damn just be honest I can respect you still smoke and are trying to quit telling me not to smoke isn't going to help you quit I mean hell if she really wants to quit and seeing my ciggarette buts in the spot they go makes her crave them I'd be perfectly willing to not put them there anymore so she doesn't have to be reminded...but no she just claims not to smoke, does smoke, sometimes tells me how she's trying to quit and still hides it....then my moms boyfriend has anger issues, sometimes she's mad at him sometimes they are getting along great sometimes she's screaming about how she's kicking him out for good but doesn't, not sure he's willing to get help for the anger issues he also demands my mom doesn't smoke so I can see why she doesn't do it in front of him but its like he wants her to work on not smoking but refuses to get help for his anger issues and work on things he does that bother her but sometimes she is disrespectful of him to its like a vicious circle.... and they are raising my little brother. So yeah not sure most people deal with this sort of thing, maybe they do but maybe I am used to things sane people aren't used to.

Glad to finally put all that into words, its been irritating me for a while but lately I haven't been able to quite figure out what is bothering me but feeling like something is and I think that is a big part of it. And I still feel like there is more to it but that's all I can think of at the moment, and my depressions trying to get to me again.....maybe I will go over to my friends house today hes a rational person cause yeah I want to just get out of the house but I don't want to drink at all today and don't really want to sit at a bar without ordering a beer or go eat at a reasturant alone which is pretty much all there is around here unless I want to go grocery shopping but I'd rather not.

Sounds like it might be time to get some new digs. Are you on the housing registry for your area?

I am thinking of looking into housing, though I don't think I could afford my own apartment or anything, I'd probably have to have a room-mate I have one friend who that could work with but not sure I'd have to talk to him. But yeah certainly thinking of trying to move elsewhere.

To share with a friend would be good. Maybe even for a place to stay for a cooling off period when you need to get out of the house .

Yeah its not a bad idea, I will have to talk to this friend about it....and perhaps look into other options too, don't really know the best route to go just yet. But moving out at some point as soon as I can is a goal I guess, but yeah limited options due to my financial situation. I just wish I wasn't raised by an over-protective mom who's still kind of like that as its only added to my problems.