It's been a really bad week

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I've been yelled at a lot the past 2 weeks and all the stress made me so upset that I gave up on my midterm project, skipped class twice, and skipped Yoga practice. I just don't understand why my mom says the things she says.

Mom: "You never wanna hear what I have to say"
Me: Because all you ever talk about is depressing things."
Me: "And nobody is breaking in at night, turning off the alarm, and stealing your saw."
Me: "Besides, you never EVER listen to what I have to say."
Mom: "Yes they are! Where else could my saw be?!"
Mom: "I don't listen to you because all you ever want to talk about is computers, gaming, and dumb things like that."
Me: "So... you want me to listen to you, get stressed about all the negativity you're putting out, and you never will listen to me, even though what I talk about is positive? Isn't that extremely selfish?"

Anyway, long story short I basically have given up on life. Not going to kill myself or anything but I honestly feel I have nowhere to go. I'm stuck. Stuck between an insane mother and a brick wall. If I move out... I will loose everything. No school, no place to live and nobody to talk to.* I wouldn't normally mind not talking to people, but I don't want to become a hermit... I need somebody to balance me out. Push me to get out now and then. And I won't just loose this because of money. I could get myself an apartment and drive to class If I could see well enough. My blindness has been really hard because so much is expected of me when I can barely do the things people expect. My own mother forgets that I can't see well because I can walk around with no problem. She doesn't see that I stub my toes on a daily basis, and just yesterday I cut my foot open with the door.

In any case, here is what I posted on facebook today:

*Keep in mind I only use facebook because my relative are spread all over the US and it's very hard to keep in touch with them. There are WAY too many, so posting once on facebook beats calling 400+ people. And yes, this is an ACTUAL dream.*

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting in class feeling sad, when suddenly a light came down, enveloping me, transforming me. When the light faded, I wasn't me anymore. Or rather, I wasn't the me I'm supposed to be. There in my seat sat a little girl wearing baggy clothes, with bunny ears and tears on her face. This new me ran out of the room and outside, where someone I knew was waiting for me. I got in the car, buckled up, and off we went. When we got home, I ran upstairs before the person in my dream could even get out of the car. Bolting upstairs as fast as my little feet could carry me. My legs failed me once I reached my room, I guess being little and running so far is tiring. I began to crawl, my oversized clothe falling to the floor, revealing a multicolored dress the likes nobody has ever seen before. Pinks, purples, blues, greens, so many pretty colors. Nobody else would like a dress like that, only I would. The person who I had come home with finally got my door unlocked and began shouting for me to come back but I wasn't listening. There was a rippling effect on the wall in my bedroom and I knew it led to my freedom. Not freedom like living on your own, or making decisions, REAL freedom to be yourself without judgment. No more trying to fit in, no more sadness, no more expectations. I knew people there would understand me without a doubt. As my body passed through the wall, the person who was chasing me *i really don't know who it was* saw me leaving and ran after me. I felt hands around my waist, but it wasn't the person who was chasing me, it was somebody new. She hugged me and told me, "You finally came home, We missed you." Then I remember her locking the door to the world I had come from, and throwing away the key. Some of my friends were there, the ones that understand me and love me for who I am. Some family members too. But not everyone. This dream shows you the way I really think, the way I really feel. That's why I decided to draw this. I don't really feel like I belong in this world. I've always had a world in my mind that I escape to. It's full of strange things that don't exist in this world and unlike this world, is almost completely full of nature. I always liked to imagine the city I would live in would be made around giant purple trees. Anyway, sorry for the HUGE message, I've just had it with all this *fitting in* bologna.

There was one lie I told in that post. The person chasing me wasn't unknown, it was my mother. I lied because I didn't want anyone to know the truth, because if I'd told the truth I'd have gotten yelled at... I also don't get why people encourage lying. Sigh. Anyway, here's the image I attatched. It's just a little sketch I did, nothing fancy.:

[img][800:819]http://i988.photobucket.com/albums/af8/BabySashi/WheredoIbelong_zps0d9db310.png[/img]

Sounds like you are changing. You found yourself... again. Keep moving forward. Please don't take this the wrong way, I know things are difficult for you, but that was a very pritty, and cute story. I hope you bloom into a beautiful flower. Like the one that is in your mind.

Thanks so much. :') It's been rough... That dream made me yearn for that world so much though. I wish I could be in that world where people don't push me to be something I'm not, where my real self is accepted and loved. I almost feel like giving up on this life because I'm not allowed to be who I am.

Thanks for saying so, It really cheered me up that you liked the story. I have a really vast imagination and people have no idea what I can create when I put it to use.

I have a really vast imagination and people have no idea what I can create when I put it to use.[/quote]

Me too

Me too [/quote]

^^; bad news, I just got told to move out. u.u No idea what I'm gonna do. All I did was say I am not returning to college. She blew up at me and told me I am a quitter. I told her I just intend to take a break and go somewhere for a while, then return to college in the fall. She still insisted I was a quitter, that my dad was right, and that my dad would win because I quit. She then went on to yell at me, saying "I DON'T DESERVE A VACATION?!" When I never said anything about her at all. if she wants to go on one, why doesn't she? Then she told me to move out if I am really quitting. So, here I am, moving out. Not sure where to go. It's a hard thing. My life is not hard, but being oppressed is just as bad.

What?!?!?!?!?!?! Your dad will win ?!?!?!? I hope she is bluffing. Try not to make matters worse. This is bad, I'm soo sorry. I hope you are both going to be o.k. it is both of you that I'm worried about. People that do things like that are not In their right mind. She probably feels very bad about something. I would stay anyways, unless she physically harms you. She probably needs you more than you may realise. I am aching to give you better advice if I had any good advice at all, but I am 6 states away, and that is all I have. Please try to make the best of a bad situation.

^^; It's not what you think. She means my dad will win because my dad thinks I will never ammount to anything. They have been divorced for 16 years. I think it's best for me to leave. I took care of her when she had cancer, and when her health was bad. I think it's my turn to have a life. A friend in Michigan is going to help me find a place up there near her. I do not think I will ever return to this state.

O.k. soo you will only be two states away. Good luck on your journey.

I really hope you are doing o.k. you should probably tell me you're doing o.k. in a couple of weeks. I'm worried about a complete stranger. Weird.

I'm alright. My moms medicine was affecting her really bad. That's why she got mad apparently. So not I don't have to move, but I am working really hard to prove to her that I won't give up.