I'm gonna be a pall bearer

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For my mother. Dear God, I can't carry my mother to her grave. But I guess I can, huh. We don't have enough boys, and I can ligt that much. Plus, she's my mother. So I guess I get the honor. I can do the physical part of it, but it's the emotional part that upsets me.

Did she pass?

Yeah she did, on Tuesday past. It's Mother's Day Weekend. She WOULD do that you know? The funeral is Monday. She used to always say get me in the ground the same day. But, I had to make her wait like black people. Let her be mad, what's she gonna do?

ETA; I sorta wanted to say no we are burying her alive. LOL

Rofl. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel you had to be sarcastic. I thought this was possible arranging for her death (like you knew she was going to go in the next few days and had to get prepared).

I'm sorry. In a weird way, I kind of imagining you laughing and crying on Mother's Day. Like:

Yeah mom, you just had to do it on THIS day. *remembers memories, laughs, cries, oh god it's so close to mother's day this is weird!*

Honestly, that's kind of odd you have to carry her casket. I was under the impression you hired people to do that :/

I'm sorry for everything. I'm glad she's not just lying in the hospital unconscious anymore, though. I always dreaded seeing family members wait for their loved one to pass. Sometimes it took weeks, and it was heart wrenching.

I know when the day comes for me I would do anything to be part of the funeral though it would tear me up emotionally, so I totally understand, it's weird because we can be so detached and all that and also our emotions are often more intense than NTs, so the two coexisting in one mind would definitely be a head trip. Best to you, dear one.

You can do it! You will make it through this!

OMFG I actually DID say something similar to her today when I got the stuff for the doll out and talked to her. I said "Yeah, you WOULD SO die right now!" Her freaking answer was joking, and I know it. She said "Well, it's my gift for you". We were kind of like that to each other. So that's ok too.

You are so spot on about me it's not funny. And the sarcasm is not meant mean. It's mean funny. I have that dark humor. So did my mother. It's ok.

Oh, and yeah the funeral home does supply boys to carry, but we can't affor id. I got her the cheapest s**t possible, and even with them throwing in stuff, like an actual casket (20 f*****g gauge steel but hey) it cost me 3k. All our utilities are about to be cut off this coming week. I had to spend that 3k on digging a f*****g hole. I have sons, a husband, and a son in law and I know where the hardware store is. We could have done that s**t~!

I have my husband, my two sons, my common law son in law, and a friend of my younger son's who knew her. I'm doing it though. We don't have enough boys, and if they think for one instant that I can't heft her up on my shoulder and walk in step, then they got another think coming! Cause that's how she's going. Up high.

I also have to do something at the cemetary. I'm not sure it won't kill me. I'm really not. It's a spell. It's calling up my grandparents to get her and take her out of purgatory. I have to call down and call up all sorts for it. I don't know what the penalty will be. I'm prepared to pay it though. I'm calling of course the spirits of all four elements, then also the elementals, the angels of heaven, the demons of hell, lucifer the god of hell and even God Himself from heaven to attend to that spell. I'm going all out for her.

Today, I have to make the doll. I have four kids, two have the sight. The oldest and the youngest. The oldest doesn't have the gas to get her for helping me make the doll. The youngest, the goth, of all things, wants no part in what her subculture actually loves. The other daughter, she doesn't have a psychic bone in her little cheerleader body. My other son, well no. So, nobody will learn how to do any of this. When I die, I'll just be lost out there. Cause nobody will be my anchor.

Today I'm making the doll (alone) and getting our clothes ready and putting the supplies for the spell in my purse.

Oh God, she's up in that catbird seat watching me. She actually has talked to me a lot though. She did apologize, but I'm not sure if I'll accept it. She told me to listen to Willie Nelson "You were always on my mind" and that's SO LIKE IT WAS! I had never actually heard that song before.

I don't even know what to say,. I'm losing my mind.