My self destructive tendencies strike again!

Post Reply New Topic

So, I've got a pattern of finding the most readily available source of significant emotional pain and going straight to it like a bee to nectar. It's a little irritating to say the least.

It seems like at least once a year I try to emotionally burn myself out somehow, be it by biting off more than I can chew and breaking a good situation, or by forming an emotional connection to someone who is so thoroughly incompatible with me that there's nowhere to go but down.

My most recent situation was resolved last night by me breaking all contact with someone I cared about too much for my own good. I wanted a relationship, she wanted... Something. I don't know what. We were in a pretty decent sexual relationship (ended up being introduced to some things I never thought I'd be able to do, but that's beside the point), but the emotional aspect was very, very lacking. Significant miscommunications were an everyday thing. In the beginning, she hooked up with me because she thought I was pretty decent, not just for the sex. She then followed up by sleeping with everyone else nearby. I tried to leave, she explained herself, and for some reason I accepted it as her having a very different idea of what interpersonal relationships should look like, and stayed on board. Bad things continued happening for the next week, I lost 7 pounds in 7 days from being so unhappy, and ended up catching some sort of awful illness because my immune system went downhill fast... and this was one of the *less* bad things I've put myself in the way of.

Seems like I see red flags and take them as a target.

I'm mostly over it, since I went through *all* the stages of grief in a number of hours, but I'm slightly worried that this kind of trend will continue. Just needed to vent really.

I used to mentally self-harm by reading misogynistic websites and making myself watch nasty porn. I know it's not the same a seeking out destructive people in real life.

I was feeding this unease I have about being woman (which I still have.) Do you think this could be due to some aspect of yourself that you are uncomfortable with?

Hm. Perhaps.

I assume it's a combination of me trusting people too easily, and having been loved too much as a child. Probably subconsciously learned that when I got hurt, I would be given love and support by my family and friends. Either that or I just have amazingly bad luck.

I have done similar things though with hyper feminist websites...Especially last year when i just wanted gaming news but Anita was EVERYWHERE...Then the "Nice guy" s**t....I STILL am messed up from that...It doesn't help when you have ALOT of self hate and demonize yourself....Let alone are JUST coming into dating at 26...Note female friends classify me as a gentleman/real nice guy...I unno but meh just gotta deal..

As for the self harm thing and causes in my case it is probably because I tend to feel rejected/ostracized and want to create a reason to be so or feel that it is justified.

And as for your situation OP i have been there....Woman of my dreams and i had to go away....Was hard super painful...And yeah bad relationships are normal for me..I seem to move too fast.

One thing i am STILL learning to do is act on red flags. I often ignore them JUST to feel accepted and/or loved.

An i know the vent feeling..It can be hard to find good places to vent. I often get told to shut up before i can finish or told to "man up" o worse given advice i do not need LOL.

Anyways i hope you get better luck and if she asks for you back stick to it...I know i have a hard time with that one LOL.

Did you learn things from the experience? Progress is made when you put in practice lessons learned.