I Hate Myself

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I wish I could violently stab myself to death - I hate who I am and I feel such rage toward myself.

I'm never going to overcome my autism - at best I am an amusing oddity. I can't be productive and I can't offer anything to anyone. I'm a burden - a source of dicordance.

I wish I had a gun, I would blow a hole in my head so fast.

What happened, Ann??? Can you shower, take a bath, exercise, call a hotline?

You're welcome to PM me if it would be easier

Last edited by Waterfalls on 10 Jun 2014, 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You are so kind in your posts, you don't deserve to be hated

You are certainly not hate-worthy by anyone else or yourself. Its just one small thing I get to observe but your posts have a good influence and give a thoughtful and experienced perspective. But it is pretty normal for us to get extreme frustration and depression episodes. I agree with Waterfalls. Find a distraction and let the attack of whatever it is fade away. Maybe find a new movie or show on the computer in the type you really like and let your mind rest.

Thank you Waterfalls and Toy Soldier.
I am okay.
I had to tell my new employer that I couldn't organize transportation and wouldn't be available. This is a blow to me as it was a great opportunity. But such is life. (Which I think of as one of the levels of Hell)
Anyway, I don't have a gun (if I did I would be long since dead.)
I can't help wishing I was neutotypical. I think I could have been a good person. But it seems that I am a drain to society with no intrinsic value. I have not killed myself yet because I have to take care of my mother, but once she's gone, so am I. I am a wothless piece of s**t. I have no value or purpose. I should be dead.

I just told my Mom that I quit due to logistics. Her response - I want my money for this weeks cab fare back.
So I guess I know what she is concerned with. f*****g c**t.
But, I guess she is right to be through with me. I have no value in this world.

I cut my arm and it doesn't make me feel better. Usually the blood calms me.
I am just such a wothless piece of s**t. I shouldn't be alive.
I have nothing to offer anyone.

Ummmm...... I know it's against the social rules to say something bad about someone else's mother. But I think I can say I understand you saying bad things about your own mother. I understand having a mom like that. It is very hard to get her out of your head, especially living with her if you do.

But get her out of your head. You seem like a really nice person. And I'm not at all sure she is

She is fed up with me. I can't blame her. She has a baby with a man she loves and it turns out to be a f****d up piece of malformed huminoid waste.

My parents split because of me.

I feel so alone right now. I have no value. I have known this for so long. I knew I should kill myself when I was 10 years old. I wish I had access to a gun then. But I feel that I am capanle of finding one now.

I am useless to anyone,

Just try to hang on for now. I think the job thing was a big let down for you. It will not be so bad in the morning.

please please don't cut yourself more :'(

hugs tight

Sometimes when things are bad enough then they can only get better. You should never give up.

Please don't hurt yourself anymore,you are a kind,deserving person going thru a really rough spot right now.Its maybe a bigger drain on you to take are of your mother than you realize,is some of your desire to get a job,so you will have a break from her part of the time??I really don't think I could handle being around someone 24/7,it would be so stressful and exhausting.
Are there any community gardens in your area?You could have some time for yourself there,and be productive by growing a few veggies and flowers just to make you feel good.Other gardeners are real helpful,it's their special interest,they love to share plants,seeds and advice.The fresh air and exercise also lift spirits.
I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Ann

Come on now....you're a fine human being; we are all imperfect.

I happen to like you.

I just found out about this--otherwise, I would have posted earlier.

<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>

If you feel like it, please PM me.

Thanks guys .. I appreciate your support. I'm okay now, I think. The cuts are superficial. I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist in August. This may be of some help.
I apologize for my language.
Misslizard, it's funny you mention a garden. We have community gardens right across from our building and my Mom has a plot. Maybe I will work on it too.
This rage that erupts inside me against myself is terrifying. It's like there is a monster inside me sometimes. Thank God I only turn on myself and not others.

Oh sweetie; I just wish that I could hug you and feed you cookies and tell you everything will be alright. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am so sad that you wish you did not exist. Sometimes, I know it would be so much easier to be neurotypical. That does not neccesarily mean better. And, to be perfectly greedy, girl, we all need you here. You help SO many people. For reals. If you ever want to stay with us [remembering that we live in a teeny tiny trailer in a nudist resort] just to take a break from life, we would love to have you here, and we could help with some [not all] of the transportation. You could take walks, eat ice cream, get to know our deer, relax by the pool, meet Jack [the nice guy who looks like Joe Montana] and I would love it if you would help me with plans for next years AutHaven, [You would have to check in as my younger sister or niece , because if you are not related there is a 3 day maximum visit time unless you join the club, which is an ungodly amount of money.]

Every single autistic person I have gotten to know IRL after first meeting them online or over the phone,I have worried that when we actually meet me that they will think "ooh, she is too weird for me to deal with." Turns out that they worried about the same thing. But is has always worked out good. So,if you want to come, you are more than welcome.