A Reflective Rant

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My emotional state is a pendulum. It swings; between a joyful state of eagerness and desire to embrace the beauty that I see in this world - and this feeling of sickness, the weight of past mistakes bearing down on me. Puncuated by the fear that great punishment awaits me. That my world will be turned upside-down, at any moment.

I've paid the price for many of my mistakes, but some have gone unpunished. The reality is that I can't run forever, I have prices yet to pay. It doesn't matter whether or not I have changed, or what lessons I've learned from reflection. Retribution is coming for me - karma, in non-mystical and very concrete forms. I have no choice but to face the backlash, as it comes.

What I want, is to live without the fear. I want to be at peace, without these shadows looming over me. I don't want to be constantly looking over my shoulder. I don't want the guilt. I've made mistakes and I accept that, but they are not what define me. When this sickness comes, I don't know where to turn. All I can do is to hide; in the eye of the storm, until the skies come clear.

Maybe the heaviest load isn?t a price to pay, but a realization that you destroyed something and it is destroyed from then on and no price you pay will ever make it whole or bring it back.

My life was in a way destroyed by other people some time ago. From there on my life has been filled with immense pain, self-hatred and suffering. The worst thing is that I lost my trust and I lost myself. Something in my soul got so shattered that what I was (and what a magical cat I was!) can never come back. So the retribution or karma or price or whatever they call it, is only a relief they need for their own mind to make it somehow even. But that price won't bring me back to me. And that is also the reason, I don't see value in negative payback.

And what about trying to make things right, trying to fix what there still is to fix, what about being true, instead of waiting some mystical karma or price to pay make it for you?

I have destroyed a lot - and I certainly can't undo the damage. I'm not a bad guy, but I've overstepped moral boundaries and done a lot that; no matter how I may have tried to justify it, was just wrong. Actions that; in the big picture, were very out of character.

That's a shame, I'm sorry that you've gone through whatever it was that made you feel that way. My trust has also been severely damaged, over the years - and I certainly did lose myself. Though, my life was destroyed by my own will, choices that led me to be removed from my life as I knew it - by force. At the time, I needed that and came out of the situation a better person. That was a long time ago and even after having my life torn to shreds and rebuilding from scratch, I made excuses to do more wrong. Again, I got to a point where I couldn't have sunk any lower - and this time around: I made the choice to change, on my own.

I feel that there's not much I can do to make things right, despite having changed my ways. It was a vengeful and manipulative mentality, which made me enemies. I thought that I was in the right, that "bad people" deserve whatever misfortune comes their way. It was the same mentality, which had me bending the rules as I saw fit. Leaving a trail of immoral deeds that would eventually have to be traced back to me.

I'm not talking about the mystical, but realize that I'm being extremely vague. Perhaps there is more I can do, than what is clear to me now. Being true is not an option, it's a necessity. I couldn't live with myself, if things went back to the way they were.

I live now, for what is beautiful to me. I live to create, not to destroy. I wish no harm upon anyone.

If you've truly accepted your mistakes and the fact that you are fallible, then try embracing chaos. Accept each moment as it is, but don't cling desperately to them. You might find your fear evaporating. Good luck to you.

Embracing chaos, I've been thinking a lot about that, these past couple of days. Taking each moment for what it is... It sounds so simple, in those terms. I do accept that I'm fallible, that I am only human.

Thank you for the sentiment. When I posted this, I was feeling very angsty and needed to get this out of my system. I was not even expecting any replies, but rather just needed to express how I felt. I appreciate that the both of you replied, though. Cheers!