Distraught over constant rejection

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For most of my life, since I was a child, I have had a singular goal in life: to get married, start a family, and be the best father I could be. I feel like I have accomplished so much and gotten so far, and yet the one goal that I care about above all the rest still eludes me no matter what I do. I got nearly a 4.0 in engineering, I got my dream job making more than enough money, I had some of my poetry published, I even got in shape and started running 5k's...but all of that just doesn't seem to help me whatsoever.

I'm just feeling really distraught right now. I'm nearly 29 years old, I've never been in anything remotely resembling a relationship...I've been on dates with nearly 25 different women, and yet I still haven't had my first kiss, and all of them ended in rejection. All of that rejection just makes me feel extremely undesirable, like I have nothing to offer anyone outside of my "professional skill-set".

The most recent one hurts more than most, because for the first time in a while I felt like I had a true connection with someone, and she seemed to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed hers. Heck, one of our dates lasted for nearly 5 hours and at the end she said she wished it didn't have to end. The fact that they went so well and still ended in rejection just makes me feel like I have no hope of ever forming a true relationship with anyone. I feel like I've been going through a consistent cycle for the past 3 years: I meet someone interesting, start to feel hopeful that we might actually make it beyond those first few superficial dates, get rejected, and then feel depressed for a week until I repeat it again.

I don't know, I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish that I could have a "personal date adviser" or something to follow me around and tell me what I'm doing right/wrong so that I could actually learn from my mistakes. But as it is, I don't even know what my mistakes are, so I just keep making them over and over. C'est la vie...no one ever said that life was easy, and so we continue on.

You are not a mind reader, and there is no magic way to find out. You need to ask the girls why they broke up with you. Some of them may not answer, but the info from those who do will be helpful. Once you know why they broke off with you, you can take corrective steps. But they are the ones with the info, so you MUST ask them for the info.

Part of the problem is that 9 times out of 10, they reject me by just cutting all contact and not responding to me. I think that this has become the norm nowadays with the impersonal nature of electronic communication and texting. I guess it's easier just to pretend someone doesn't exist than to actually tell them how you feel.

I personally think you'll find success. I wonder if it would suit you to do what Herbert Hoover did: marry a fellow engineer!

I really feel the key to finding someone is not to seek someone per se. I used to seek and seek and seek--nothing doing! I only found someone when I stopped actively seeking. I believe women can sense that you are seeking, and are desperate. You definitely have much going for you--so much that you don't have to strive so much as those of us who have less, yet seek more.

You're a published writer--maybe go to a place where writers read their stuff. That's a fine context to meet women: you are now there for the expressed purpose of meeting anybody. You are there to publicize what you love. And what you are.

Perhaps you could employ John Keats' concept of "negative capability." Instead of "irritably" seeking philosophical concepts to account for phenomena within the natural world, you could cease to "irritably" seek out ladies. Let the ladies seek YOU out. Just like a man likes an elusive woman; women sometimes like elusive men. It's a challenge for them.

It's a challenge, this life. But don't give up.

Hi Stargazer, sorry you're having a hard time. I know exactly how you feel, I go through the same things with people I think are friends. Currently I'm having a similar problem with an entire group of people (more professional group than friends). They are not responding when I speak to them/giving me weird looks - I can't understand any of it.

Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, you've enriched my life a lot! Thanks for that!

I actually strongly disagree with this advice, and have for some time (but I do appreciate your post, don't get me wrong). For the first 26 years of my life, I did just what you suggested and didn't "seek" at all. I guess I imagined that if I did well in all of my professional/academic things, romance would just come along. Plenty of people told me just what you did...just wait and love will happen when you least expect it. But in those 26 years I only had 2 dates, and both of them went quite horribly...all that waiting left me quite inexperienced and wondering where all the time slipped away to. And I can say with confidence that if I stop seeking now, I will never find anyone, because it is far simpler for me to live in my own little sphere than to actually put myself out there and meet people.



Thanks, that means a lot to me. Music is an extremely important part of my life, so I really get excited when I'm able to share it with others who enjoy it equally.