I want to move. But, I always want to move. I never know from minute to minute when my brain is going to take a nosedive and I just wake up tomorrow in another village. It has happened too many times. I cannot create a "home" for myself, because I can't load up with belongings. I am not emotionally capable of asking for help when I move, so I don't allow myself to own anything that I cannot drag out a door by myself. My last move, which was a year ago, I moved from right across the street to where I am now, under cover of darkness over a 3 night span of time. I always move at night. Many times when I have relocated, I have just left everything I owned other than identifying papers, and just disappeared I have moved in my life and just left cars sitting, stereos, whatever I have had. When that glass cuts me I just split. And it may be 6 months before anyone in my family hears from me because I go through about 3 cell phones a year since they are not essential to me. I have stayed in roadhouses, flophouses, storage units, in a car, and on the street. When it becomes so urgent to move from one place I do not consider the consequences of arrangements as far as transportation and logistics, no more than locating my destination online. I usually have about 5 prospective destinations planned out at any given time. My immediate family has gotten familiar with my patterns and have been able to intercept me the last two times I was about to disappear. I can't say they really care, because we don't communicate that much and I rarely allow anyone into wherever I am living. When I am in whatever place I am living and they announce a pending maintenance inspection or something it stresses me out big time that someone is going to be intruding on my domain and there is nothing I can do about it. That is the worse for me.
Time is coming though, I can feel it, by the end of this year I will be someplace else. I don't have any idea where right now but I can feel that familiar churning inside> I have become too familiar around here. I don't like being familiar.
24 Jun 2014, 7:08 am
