Short rant

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Meh.. i'm not normally one to go off on a string with this.. but am i the only one who's feeling increasingly infuriated with themselves? I mean, i've always considered my individuality to be sacronsenct, to remember i have it even it i had nothing else: my social isolation and aspies i believe did me wonders for being my own person. Yet now i'm finding myself jumping from highs and lows.

Put it this way.. some days.. i feel like the king of the world. I'm me, i don't care what others thing, i'm strong in my own way. I feel that the friends around me are here to stay, and that at the first sign of me needing help they'd come. I feel like i'm deserving of their friendship..

But there are times when i feel like such a bastard.. that i don't deserve anything.. i feel that everyone and everything i hold dear are just using me, having me around just so they have someone to pick on and look down on. Also, the grief of losing my last relationship (which i actually ended, because i thought i was losing her full stop and if we couldn't work as partners, we could work as friends, which so far as worked), and wanting her back so much tears me something wicked. Hell, there are times when i have to stop myself telling myself i want to die, but there are others when i just let myself say it.. in the past, i've even done things that were just a few steps from outright suicide.. once drunk a whole bottle of vodka to drink myself into a stupor because i felt so f****d up and confused about somebody close to me, who had been through a horrible ordeal that they didn't elect to tell me about, until the person that caused it told me.

At the moment it's not anquish or dispair i'm feeling.. it's just fustration. I feel i should be stronger than this, to beat back all the emotions i feel instead of constantly feeling a state of ambivilance: loving and hating the same people in equal measure, hating myself for the way i can be so brick-headed at times.. not doing things that could of stopped those closest to me suffering..

I just feel i need release, to get out of this nightmare that's developed. I can temperarily remove myself from it when i so choose.. but i ultimately have to return to reality, that in the safety of my own head, it feels like World War 3's going on..

Anyway, rant over... I'm not uber depressed or anything.. just.. confused, and like i said before, fustrated..

I have those moments but they have been growing further and further apart. Mental balance? I dont know. I share your thoughts, though. Somedays I am king to the world. Before christmas, I came home and just crashed everynight.

Currently dx'ed Bipolar. Aspie fits so much better, but I can't denie, yet, bipolar may not be a part of it or the other way around. To early yet to put a lot of input here, still sorting. Actually very tired of sorting it. Have set up my contacts to look into it, now I wait for it to happen. Current main med seems to be helping both, if both are even involved. The only reason I can write at all, now, is becasue of this med. First time in my life I'm able to get thoughts to paper. It was very long time getting to this point, 10ish years, since it was given a name. Maybe because bipolar was the thrust of the meds. Dunno yet. Actually don't care, all I would like out of this is a little more clarity, a little more ability to remember things from last week, slow down the brain rush, but not too much. They are there if I'm obsessed with something, however ask me what day it is and most likely can't tell you. The depressions aren't fun, but so far this med is helping there as well, need to drop it 50mg and wait and see, was great while I was on that dose before. Over all I don't mind it here. Rather like it. I don't look at this as a bad thing at all. It is what it is. For a long time and still do, I wouldn't try to explain it to striaghts, to easy to think everybody they would meet would fit my bipolar description. Just ain't so. I only choose to do it now because this is a more tolerant, informed group. But I have left a lot of it out, you jsut don't want to know.

Manics are not always a king of the world feelings. They can be deceptive. Rage can be considered a manic, no matter what it's aimed at. Depression is another animal. When you're in them, believe it or not, you tend to protect the feeling. It's like a comfort zone. It isn't news what they can lead to. Mine can sometimes last for months. Haven't had one of those in a long time, but had a month long one, about a month ago that damn near killed me, it was med induced. You can have long swings and you can have rapid swings within the long. It treats everyone a little differently. Just like Aspie, different levels to it. It can be beat to it's knees, it can be done and I'm here to say it can. Fun stuff, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Remember it doesn't look the same on everybody, there are levels of it.

What you're describing could be. But I'm not the pro. A lot of things can influence what you describe. There are a lot of ups and downs to life, sometimes they can just come close together. Oh, I used to self medicate, stay away from the booze, I used to drink myself to near alcohol poisoning every 2 or 3rd day. Try a multivitamin and a b complex, makes your urine turn bright yellow too, fun to watch. It can sometimes help with mild depression.

I hope things improve with you soon!