Waiting for help

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Hello. I'm new to this site. I have always struggled with many aspects of life that others seem to not even notice can be stressful. About 5 months ago I began doing my own research into problems that I have. Once I began learning about aspergers things really started to make sense to me. Most of my issues are VERY internal and normally I am white knuckled trying to get through my life. I was lucky enough to meet my now husband at 15 so I really skipped over a lot of social demands that I imagine I would have really struggled with. Just understanding my role in my family and feeling cared for is impossible for me. I always feel like I am a few beats behind others in conversations and after a day at work interacting with clients I normally cry the whole way home. I get migraines sometimes multiple days in a row. People are very demanding and I just really only want to spend time doing what I want. I have zero friends that I feel relaxed around. I mostly just see my husbands friends here and there and spend time with my family when they demand it. I hate to say it but I would much rather be alone than with anyone other than my husband. Even my parents make me very nervous and take a lot of energy from me. Even when I was a child I would need to take school off the day after a family gathering because I was always so exhausted for days. I've always made eye contact with people because I know it can be viewed as rude or incompliant not to. It had always made it harder for me to keep my train of thought when I look at the person who I am speaking with because their facial expressions distract me and I'm busy trying to understand how they are perceiving what I am saying.

Anyway. I began looking into AS and it was like a revelation to me. I felt this was the reason the I never did my homework or studied but I always tested very well. Other kids who tried very hard would struggle on tests and I would wonder am I just a lot smarter than these people but also very lazy? See so many things just made sense to me like this. I brought this information to a therapist I had seen in the past for anxiety issues and she fully brushed it off saying no way.. I show empathy and I make eye contact . I have a very hard time asserting myself so I just meekly disagreed and tried to explain to her why I felt the way I did. She wouldn't even let me finish and said that through therapy she could help me with my childhood problems and this is the problem most likely. Again I tried to explain how my father is like textbook male AS and she just brushed it all off. I read online how this is very common for clinicians without experience with high functioning clients many times have no idea what AS looks like in a young women.

I went to a therapist who works solely with AS and has done so for years. She diagnosed me within just a couple sessions and I felt validated.

I brought this back to my normal therapist and she was... Pissed. She wouldn't even look at the paperwork I gave her. Now I am waiting on the results from a comprehensive evaluation that she suggested. This is pure hell. Now I feel like I have no idea where to go from here. I feel like I lost all of this sense of awareness that I suddenly felt and now I am just left with extreme depression.

The psychiatrist I see (that my therapist suggested) had me trying meds for major depression and and it made me feel 1000x worse. I've never felt so obsessed with hopelessness in my life. Now I just feel empty and angry. All I was trying to do was figure myself out so I could possibly live a life that I actually enjoy. If I had to go through these last couple months again I don't know if I could do it. It has to get better from here.

I had a similar experience after I completed several of the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre Asperger's Syndrome (AS) screening tests (http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/). Wanting to confirm the test results, I scheduled myself for an AS diagnosis with an MSW who, after using a generalized diagnostic test (Personality Assessment Inventory), diagnosed me as having generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Close enough, but I felt that she had ignored the results of my Cambridge test that I had given to her (as she didn't mention once in her written diagnostic review), resorted to picking low-hanging fruit and couldn't see the forest for the trees.

I went back to work researching which adult Asperger's Syndrome tests are standardized and approved for use. I couldn't find any. So, until I learn of one, I have suspended my search for an "official" diagnosis. I have read about adult Aspies searching for years for a diagnosis only to conclude the same, especially with the new conflation of AS with Autism Spectrums Disorder. My Cambridge test scores are beyond known-Aspie thresholds and convince me that I very likely have it. For now, that satisfies me.

You are correct about mental health-care workers who look for the easy answers and prescribe pharmaceuticals. Aside from the evidence showing the antidepressant SSRIs perform no better than placebos (http://www.scientificamerican.com/artic ... -dont-they), I suspect that most Aspies don't need pharmaceuticals unless there are other, non-AS disorders or symptoms. Just my opinion.

If I were you, I would stick with the mental health-care workers you like and trust. It is your right. My favorite trusim is: "For every doctor who graduated first in her class of 312, there is the one who graduated last, but is still considered 'good enough' to practice."