I'm losing control

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Yeah, I'm losing control. I'm forgetting things all the time. I keep getting fits of explosive anger over nothing. In order to stop myself breaking something or hitting someone, I hurt myself. I keep getting insane impulses, like to smash windows, hurt myself, occasionally hurt people who annoy me. I can always keep the urges to break things or hurt people at bay and smother them. But the urges to hurt myself, not so much. I've got so much hatred for myself inside me and am sick of the constant cycle of friendships and relationships being destroyed by how much of a f****d up piece of s**t I am. I'm almost constantly afflicted by visual distortions; I don't know if they're hallucinations or what. I've mentioned it to doctors before, only to have the symptom ignored, just like 90% of the doctors I see. They act like I'm just a hypochondriac and never bother to even do any tests. I almost wish I would die from some horrendous sickness that could have been prevented had it not been for doctors ignoring me, just so they lose their worthless jobs and are miserable. This is what losing my mind feels like, and it's bloody horrendous

I'm struggling with pretty much the same, except for the hallucinations or whatever they are and I kinda want attention but nobody cares but what I've been doing is just completely burying myself in music (which is my obsession/hobby) and trying to forget about the real world but yeah no I can relate to most these feelings, hope you get rid of this seeing things thingy

Thanks ExoMuseum, I hope things get better for you. It seems like attention when you're feeling low is hard to come by these days, where everything (this forum included, from personal experience of most of my posts being ignored) is a popularity contest