I feel like crap

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I have been burnt out for the past seven months. It was set off by my aunt dying, a minor car accident I caused (my first and no injuries but I kind of got traumatized by it and was stuck in another state for 4 weeks mostly waiting for parts to get it fixed), massive anxiety surrounding the paperwork with that and also realizing after going back home that I hadn't outgrown any of my problems and that I still have them. I have had breakdowns like this before and this time the OCD did not take over praise the Lord and because I was able to stop it by telling myself that other people have those thoughts, but they don't assign them any meaning and "assign it no meaning" became my internal mantra. A therapist told me this several years ago, that other people are like that: they have the thoughts but don't really notice them. The exhaustion/burnout was also propelled onward by getting a new mattress and them taking the old one (I know that sounds stupid, but stuff like that makes me nervous), I had to suddenly put one of my parakeets to sleep because he got cancer (I felt horrible for putting him to sleep like I killed him but the vet said there was no way he'd survive it and he was in a lot of discomfort), my husband kind of suddenly traded in one of our vehicles for a different one. We had some bad marital issues that needed to be addressed and that took a lot out of me. I won't go into detail about that. I have problems with perfectionism and I "beat myself up" for everything I do wrong; been told I am my own worst enemy for this. I worry about my kids. I worry about just about everything.

Anyway, my other obsessions took over (had to be something, right?), the ones that don't fall into the OCD category: interests, sewing, watching "dinosaur" documentaries, Star Trek, people I thought I'd finally quit obsessing over , past events, and pretty much anything else that I get absorbed in, which is pretty much anything I am doing. These things are adaptive in a lot of ways, like mentally and emotionally, but at times like this, they often get in the way of things like keeping up with the house which is something I have always been bad at. I always have "obsessional" interests/activities (I put parentheses around that word because for me that word has a negative connotation and I see interests as a positive thing and something that I want and need and enjoy) but I can usually stuff them away better than I have been. The annoying part is that without the massive obsessions and with stuffing them away, I have more irritability and more meltdowns and get more sensory overload. Now, without being able to suppress them, I have less irritability (unless someone interrupts or interferes) and fewer meltdowns, which is really great, but at the same time, the obsessions take a lot of my attention away from other practical things I need to do.

I have gotten behind on bills because I can't seem to handle calling and paying them or going to pay them or I just forget them. I acquired some bad library fines just because I couldn't tolerate even the thought of going there. I've gotten very big on procrastination. I have lost the anxiety and obsession that used to get me to do things like keep track of all the bills and keep some semblance of organization. I didn't know there was a name for executive dysfunction; I just thought I was a failure at being a "female" and it is still weird for me to think that this is actually a real thing, like a real condition. It's like I can't do anything if I am not bordering on or obsessed with it. I have difficulty doing everything. I don't understand these people who can keep a really nice, organized house. I have tried so hard to do that because I want that orderliness and I need it too, but I just can't do it, can't stick with it. I can't deal with the "order" of doing things. I feed my kids, but then don't eat myself because eating wears me out, the tastes and the textures. I don't feed my family crap; they eat real food not junk; I am very obsessive about that but sometimes all I can stand is noodles in chicken broth for myself, but I know I need to be eating better. So my kids eat all kinds of fruits and vegetables and grains and legumes and meats (no boxed and very little processed foods), but I have trouble with it myself.

I am also noticing how much I avoid doing things just for sensory reasons. I avoid tearing up the junk mail because I don't want to feel and hear it. I avoid washing dishes until I absolutely have to or unless they actually have food on them because I don't want to get my hands wet and don't want to see the water moving and the bubbles. I find myself blinking a lot when I am doing dishes or looking just past what I am washing. Stupid stuff like that. And I realize I have always avoided things for sensory reasons, but now it is joining up with the "executive dysfunction" crap and making everything worse.

I stim up the walls, more than ever before and it helps emotionally and mentally, which is good.

I have accepted myself more and forgiven myself for a lot of things and forgiven myself for basically being me and that that has gone a long way with the emotional problems and I am better, it's just that I am left still with all the other crappy stuff: an obsessive mind, executive dysfunction, social exhaustion, sensory dysregulation. I have dropped the social "act" and that is a relief. I am learning to accept that it is okay to take care of myself too.

I just feel like I can't win. I thought after I figured some of this out and that all of this is a "real" problem not just personal failure and that it all goes together and fits into the Asperger's realm, that I'd be able to fix myself and be more normal. Stupid, huh? I am realizing just how deep this goes. It will never go away. It will always be with me. I just can't win. I am coming out of the slump and am getting back on track at least with bills and that's basically the most important thing and the thing that's been the most disrupted. I just feel run over with this, trying to deal with it all.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant or "vent" as they call it to someone who might understand all of this. I can't discuss it with other moms I hang out with because they probably wouldn't get it at all or would think bad things. It's not something they would understand. And I don't advertise my "diagnosis" because I am not 100% sure, people are ignorant about it, and because on some level I am quite ashamed of it.

Maybe my brain and my body just forced a "vacation" on me.

Maybe take running, or hiking in a safe but quiet, natural area. Best of luck. I've had many of these issues myself.

That's a good idea. I need to burn off some negative energy. I have trouble with getting in shape though. Feel like a clumsy runner and also get exhausted easily. People say I look in shape, but it must all be from nerves

You just gotta wash those dishes!! !! !

Seriously.....doing fun stuff in a natural setting is quite healing, I believe.

personally, I found an indoor bike and a stack of DVDs to watch while cycling more helpful than walking outside, and even climbing rather high trees, as the 'slowness' of hiking didn't manage to keep my mind off things- and once I had reached the top of a tree, I was back to being in thoughts.
However, in the long run, indoors cycling did not work out for me.
adrenaline, however is supposed to be good.