Compulsive Lying

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I figured this would probably be the best sub-forum for this since it's directly about myself and possibly not at all related to autism. I am officially diagnosed with aspergers, but I am somewhat prepared for people to doubt this diagnosis due to "I can never lie" or similar sayings being very commonly said on here and "checklists", for that matter. This is my first time posting, but I've been a lurker for quite a long time. Hopefully this doesn't turn into a six paragraph post, but it likely will

I have recently become painfully aware that I do indeed have issues with lying. Big issues. When I first realized it, I thought it was some sort of semi-recent development, but then I scanned through years past and it is sadly not as semi-recent as I thought. I believe my lying started when I began to have major issues in school- both socially and academically. This was in the seventh grade and it was kind of the point where my autism became apparent. I was able to over-compensate in other ways to a degree earlier in life, but it hit the fan when the expectations far exceeded what I was able to do. I'm a bit foggy about the extent of my lying at first, because frankly, it's a year that I've tried my best to forget. I know it had to do with making up stories about why I had missed 50+ days of school or why I was only doing half days at one point. I do remember both my guidance counselor and mother telling me that it was a situation that lying was OK in. It started off as self-preservation. Along with the difficulties in school, came a lot of baggage from trauma from experiences with the mental health field and shame due to my life failings.

It has come to a point where I feel I have lost all control. I do not realize that I am lying the majority of the time and when I catch myself conjuring one up, I feel immense guilt. My lies are not little lies, like saying I took the garbage out when I did not. I plan a lot of them out in advance as if they were elaborate stories. All of the stories don't leave my head, but a good portion of them do. I take an event that did happen or almost happened, then I take embellishment to a whole new level. It usually stems from "Well that would be a funny/fun thing to talk about!". I think part of the problem here is I am unsure of how to address topics I am interested in talking about without bringing up an occurrence first and branching. I am not an interesting person. "Who I am" is rooted in what I spend time doing and without my interests, I am nothing. I know that lying isn't typical of aspergers, but I also know that having a lack of identity is very typical for females with it. I believe this is where it is stemming from. It has become a security blanket for me, something I get even the tiniest bit of self-esteem from since it isn't really myself. I have lost site of who I am, though. The lies have begun to feel like a jail cell since I became aware of them, but I feel helpless. The funniest (I mean saddest) part about it is that at the end of the day, nobody besides me gives two squats about the things that I make up. They are inconsequential.

I have met somebody really awesome recently who also is on the spectrum. I feel as though this will absolutely be the biggest detriment to furthering our relationship besides communication problems if I do not get it under control. They are not aware of it, and as far as I'm concerned, they do not need to be if I stop shortly because none of the lies I've told have been of any relevance. If I can't stop, then I will be the one to break it off before it has the chance to become an issue. I know that I should really meet with somebody to get this under wraps, but I have such an awful (understatement of the century) history with therapists and the like. And like they say, with great lies comes great shame.

It is never done in attempt to deceive others, which is why I don't understand the why factor well at all. If somebody came up to me and asked me "Do you like the way this looks on me?" and I hated it, it would never even cross my mind to tell them that I did. Why can't I lie when it's actually beneficial? Ugh, I just don't understand.

TLDR: I am a compulsive liar and it's eating away every last bit of me. I really hope nobody who comments is too judgmental :/

Hello and welcome! Don't worry; we're not here to judge you. Anyways, I understand what you're saying. Compulsions can definitely consume your life. I'm not a professional by any means, but I would suggest you start with yourself-learn about yourself (what are some qualities that you like about yourself etc), accept yourself, and begin to love yourself. Do daily self-affirmations. I know this is easier said than done, but with time, patience, and self-acceptance, you'll see how cool of a person you really are, and you'll realize that there's no need for embellishments. Just tell it like how it happened. Does that make sense? Well, I hope that somewhat helped you.