Rape Victims Anonymous

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If you have been a victim of rape and want to discuss it for the sake of overcoming the traumatic experience, this is the thread for you. I'll start:

When I think about most of my previous face-to-face interactions with people, the feeling of being abused usually comes to my mind. Mostly it was just verbal or psychological or sometimes even physical, but there was this one time that someone pretended to sexually abuse me just to see how I would react. After finishing high school, I had gone to study in Jerusalem for four months. The Yeshiva I had attended was one of the most run-down buildings I had ever seen, and my classmates were even less knowledgeable about Judaism than I was. One particular night, a bisexual student decided to get on top of me while I was on my bed, and he pretended to rape me. We weren't naked, and I was facing him during his stunt, but I still felt so violated. If I was more courageous, I would have forced him off of me and informed the principal, or at the very least cried for help. Instead, I just watched him, praying he would end his twisted game soon. This was one of three instances when I contemplated suicide at the school. I wanted to fall backwards down the stairs that led to my bedroom, hoping I would crack my head on that uneven step near the bottom. But I didn?t do it. I don?t know whether it was because I was too afraid to carry out the deed or because G-d had other plans for me. I still wish that I did kill myself, though. That way, nobody would have to deal with me or my multiple neuroses.

(I know that psychological rape and physical rape aren't the same the thing, but that doesn't mean that the latter trivializes the former.)

Here is a copy of an email I sent to mankind counselling today.

Male victim of sexual assault by a female.

I don't know how to deal with been disbelieved,I can cope with what happened but I can't cope with been disbelieved. The incident happened while I was asleep so there is nothing I could have done to prevent it.

I narrowly avoided a custodial sentence for harassment (I only ever contacted my attacker by email) because the consensus was that I made the whole thing up to cause a split in her relationship (it's a long story but I was once a close friend of her then partner) The only person outside my small circle of friends who seemingly believes me is a Police Officer who worked on the harassment case (she was just following orders and I hold nothing against her) but the rest of the police and even the duty solicitor I was given either treat me as a joke or as a piece of dirt. It's this mistreatment that has prevented me from seeking help as I fear what my reaction would be when I have to face such mockery and ridicule again. I am no longer in the state of deep depression that I once was and I want to work and live life again but I have had the best part of a decade taken from my life as I shut my self away from society because of what happened. I fear I have no future unless I get the proper help and understanding but I now have the reputation of been a creep, a pervert, a stalker, a wierdo, a liar and a loner and I don't know how to shake this off. I don't know what to do.I have a doctors appointment today but I am clueless of how to approach him about this.

It's a s**t life aint it.

^^^ most of this stuff is only important to women. I got the whole (it was not that bad speech). Granted, when it happens to women, it can get really bad. Unless there is proof, things can get twisted around easy. The people doing the stuff are usually like professional manipulators. Be careful. It is definately a sad affair. Especially when you have to deal with that person for many years without a choice.

I have never been raped but I think I have been touched and treated in ways that might constitute sexual assault or harassment by at least six different people, from around age 11 or 12 to the present ( 18 ). That makes me think I might unconsciously give off signals that indicate to people that I am an easy target, I'm not sure though, it might be a 'normal' amount. Not sure what to do, and don't talk about it because it's not actual rape, so worried people would think 'it's not that bad'. Don't want it to happen again.